FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!

(dips)

I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.

(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)

THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.

(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)

Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!

(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)

And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!

(pisses on nearby lamp post)

I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!

(prior to Joel Ward’s goal last night)

Well well well, anathah crucial Game 7 fahhh the citizens of FIAH BAWBBY V NATION. No othah city has had more-ah moments of high sparts drawma than ow-ahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

(sits spread eagle on own couch with hat sideways)

But I’m nawt worried. Ow-ah beloved SNOW PEDROIAHS will pull this one out. You see, we Bawston fans have been through this time and again. This doesn’t faze us. The moment might be too big fahhhhh you Caps fans, but we know just how to act in times like these. We ahhhh hopeful. We ahhh nervous. We ahhhh cawnfident but nawt too cawnfident. We’ve been through the Sawk game. We’ve been through Kobe going 6 fahhh 24. We’ve been through it awll. NONE OF THIS SURPRISES US. So I’m just gawnna sit back, pawp a Twisted Tea, and have my girl suck my cawk while I wawtch this ovahtime. I always get my dick sucked at the end of regulation, tie or-ah no tie! SUCK AWAY, HONEYBUN.

(Ward scores)

WHAT THE FACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO?

WHAT?!

THAT WAS A DAHKIE!

THEY LET A DAHKIE AWN THE ICE!

(puts in fresh dip)

This is NAWT happening! This is NAWT happening! This is a Level XXXVII Subset 12 Cawkpunch! Sure-ah, we won the title last year-ah, but in this town, you need to win TWO titles to earn ow-ah love! And this PACK OF FACKIN’ LOSAHS FAILED TO DO IT! Worst of awll, they let some dahkie break out of Rawxbury and get one ovah on them!

(begins randomly slapping own biceps)

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!! IT’S THE WORST THING THAT’S EVAH HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF MY BRUINS FANDOM, WHICH BEGAN LATE LAST SUMMAH!

Oh, no! The ghosts! the ghosts ahhh coming back! I can see them awll now! MOOKIE! TYREE! MANNINGHAM! BIAS! Don’t you see why I can’t stand dahkies? IT’S BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STAND SEEING US HAPPY!!!!!

(Walks past young couple, makes that fake I’m-gonna-punch you motion to the guy)

(sees guy flinch)

(laughs hysterically)

This is a curse! I bet some voodoo dahkie chick is mixing up chicken bones in a bowl and laughing at us! CURSING US TO BE SCREWED OVAH BY BLACKS TIME AND AGAIN! How could Gary Bettman let this happen? I should be the commissionah of hawkey, along with 75 othah sparts! I’m the only person in the world who has any cawmmon sense! You think any othah GM or-ah ownah has more cawmmon sense than me? STAWP, JUST STAWP. And you haven’t kept dahkies out of the game WHY, Gary Bettman?!

(cranks up the Chevelle)

And now the Sawx ahhh 7-10! And Tawm Brady is still a Hawllywood faggot who betrayed us by being from California! And I’m mildly awptimistic about the resurgence of my beloved C’s (the C stands for Coloreds!) , but nawt too optimistic because the C’s awlways let me down except when they won 17 titles. And you nevah know if David Stern will think that we play too tough and set his stupid woman ref on us to screw us ovah! HE DOESN’T LIKE OW-AH LUNCH PAIL STYLE! Our dahkies players play like they-ah white, and that’s why we love them!

In conclusion, Joel Ward is a black! FACK YOU!

For years, the above Getty image of a Patriots fan cheering shirtless in the snow has served as the visual representation of a fan base as well as parenthetical-heavy KSKharacter Tommy from Quinzee. Given the popularity of the character and how often we use the image, we assumed it was only a matter of time until the actual person in the photo was made aware that he’s been an unsuspecting blog celebrity.

Just because you have a general expectation for something to happen doesn’t mean you’re ever ready for it when it actually goes down. And so it was this weekend when Tommy ceased to be just a stereotype-reinforcing still image and became a real person who is very much in support of the stereotypes attached to that image. A reader from Boston reached out to Drew on Twitter and said he discovered that the guy from the photo is on his softball team. Of course, the real Tommy was then made aware of his Internet celebrity. He loves it, as evidenced by this new photo of him doing the pose, and the fact that he’s joined Twitter as Tommy. This came as something of a surprise to the already existing Tommy parody account.

Mind you, the original image from 2002, but Tommy looks remarkably unchanged over the course of a decade. The main difference being the addition of a bicep tat. That seems appropriate.

The Patriots once again lost in the Super Bowl to the Giants thanks to yet another late 4th quarter comeback drive orchestrated by Eli Manning. And there was a great rejoicing. Since then, the Patriots have been mostly busy getting trying to suppress the events of the Summer of Gronk, as well as signing eight thousand other tight ends.

Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:

- Josh McDaniels has returned to the fold to once again take credit for Tom Brady being good. You know the world isn’t fair when McDaniels gets this job again, while Bill O’Brien get the privilege of sorting out the rubble of Sandusky’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

- The Patriots recently signed Olympic sprinter Jeff Demps, which excited Pats fan until someone suggested he might take Julian Edelman’s roster spot. NO DAHHKKIIEE, NO MATTAH HOW FAST HE RUNS FROM THE CAWPS, CAN REPLACE JEWKAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

- Bob Kraft’s next screen test will involve donkey punching a 16-year-old virgin in a Tebow jersey while Gronk takes her over a Dunkin Donuts counter.

- George R.R. Martin said the Patriots are the Lannisters of the NFL, which hopefully means The Rog is mere days away for banning them all for life in a ruinous team incest scandal.

- Wes Welker spent the off-season getting married, having a hair transplant and being thrown out of wine festival in Aspen. Wes Welker is everyone’s seediest uncle.

Notable acquisitions: Brandon Lloyd, Dont’a Hightower, Chandler Jones, Jabar Gaffney, Visanthe Shiancoe, Jake Ballard, Daniel Fells

Notable departures: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Chad Johnson, Mark Anderson, Kevin Faulk, Gary Guyton

Vegas win total over/under: 12 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Brandon Lloyd

The Patriots passing game runs through its tight ends. They have arguably two Top 5 fantasy tight ends on one team. Of course, with how prolific the passing attack is, anyone slated to be a starting receiver opposite Welker is thought to be a great fantasy option, but that hasn’t really been the case in a while. New England brought Deion Branch back two years ago and he and his stupid perm have had middling production. They took a chance on Ocho last year and he was a huge bust. Now it’s B-Lloyd, whose one good season in his 10-year career came while paired with famed shitheel Josh McDaniels, so surely he’ll be great again.

Fan forecast, by the the real life Tommy from Quinzee:

Shirts off to the Pats-

Hey, you know what’s fackin awesome? This Patriots team. Last year we were one stop/one lucky ass Luigi Manningham circus catch away from havin as many Supah Bowl Rings as tha amount of beers I chug in my funnel all at once (That’s foah for all you tahds that don’t know how we do it in the Q.) And that was with tha Gronk playin wit a broken dick from runnin with TFQ. Now this year they went on a shoppin spree like that time we left Grandma (God rest her soul) home alone watchin QVC.

Remembah what happened last time Brandon Lloyd (What the fack is wit the 2 Ls? He ain’t spanish. We call him Loyd in tha Q) was teamed up with Belichick’s Golden boy McDaniels? Well let me tell ya. He had a staggerin 1448 receivin yads while leadin tha league wit 18.8 yads per catch. Yup Tommys fackin pumped!! Oh and don’t forget he had that bum Kyle Orton throwin him tha ball that year. Just imagine what will happen with Brady at the helm, who just happens to be the best quarterback in the history of the game! With Loyd, Welkah, Branch, Stallworth, and the two-headed Monstah that is Gronk-nandez, the “otha” Tommy has more to look at than my Uncle Charlie at that playground he’s always hangin at. Creep show tha peepshow get ya head right and tighten shit up.

“Okayy Okayyyy”, The defense last year had more holes than my favorite blow up doll, but the all knowin Yoda-Belichick will use the force to fix that shit right up. Trust and believe tha defense we see this year will have a swagga all its own. We got good middle linebackahs for the first time since the Beast known as Bruschi and that tradah Vrabel where patrollin the middle of the field down at the Boro, plus neitha of those guys eva had the stones to get a BJ on camera like my boy Brandon Spikes. Combined with supah stud OJ-Mayo, (also two of ya boy Tommy’s favorite dishes) and that guy Hightowah from those police academy movies, we got the core of our ‘D’ back. And Tommy knows core strength, just ask ya mama she’ll tell ya.

So what do ya get when ya combine a sick defense and unfaih offense with an evil genius who dresses like Friah Tuck? You get the next Supah Bowl champs. Yah I said it, but I’m no Bobby V (He shoulda been slapped when he said that about the shitty disappointin Sawxs this year.) Someone needs to shut his mouth or I will fill it wit my jock strap! But that’s anotha story for anotha time. Keep ya heads up and ya eyes open when you head to tha thaRough Boro this year. Cuz you already know ya boy Tommy from Quinzee will be there strikin “tha pose,” chuggin 40’s, shirt off chearin on the Pats and THAT’S THAT!!!!!!

Tommy Out.
Much Love

I’ve said before that sports gaffes are the absolute last thing you should judge a political candidate on. Sports team allegiance, however, that’s totally an understandable reason to distrust someone. And Mitt Romney likes the Patriots, which makes sense for someone who is both a former governor of Massachusetts and the whitest man on the planet.

Romney might also not know how many Super Bowl titles the Patriots have won. Chris Berman pressed Romney to name his favorite NFL team during ESPN’s Boomer-stroking halftime prattle, though he prefaced the question by saying the Patriots won two Super Bowls during Romney’s tenure as governor.

Romney responded by joking that since he’s lived in Massachusetts for 40 years, he takes full responsibility for the Patriots “two Super Bowl wins”. That he referenced his 40 years of Masshole living makes it seem more like he doesn’t actually know how many titles the Patriots have won. At best, it’s very awkward phrasing. Either way, it doesn’t actually matter.

“IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES MATTAH! WE CANNAWT TRUST ANY CAWMMANDAH WHO DOES NAWT KNOW THE PROPAH AMOUNT OF GREATRIOTS SUPAH BOWL TITLES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”

WHAT THE FACK IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I can’t believe Welkah could be awn anothah team next ye-uh. WELKAH! THE HAHHHTTT AND SOUL AND GRITTY GUTTY GUTS OF SCRAP SAWX NATION! Sure, he once played for those face-eating Miami faggots, but that was before Welkah became WELKAH. WE MADE HIM A FACKIN STAHHHH. Before he joined farces with JAWNNY FARRELL NATION, Welkah just another in a long line of drifter Oklahoma nobodies with cactus needles in his pissah.

[Thinks Oklahoma is in the Southwest]

When Deion Branch cashed in on the Greatriot Way back in 2005, I knew it was just another uppity dahhkkieeee seeing dollah signs and rap videos instead of the good of his cah-reeah. As soon as that parch monkey got done stealing millions from Seattle, he was ready to win again, so he marched back to Bahhston with his dangling dahhhkie dick between his legs. We found it in ow-ah hahhhts to welcome him back but we nevah forgot his treachery. It was confahmation that the team comes befahhh the individual.

What spartswriters often fahget is that dealing with disloyal dahhhkies is a reality of sparts. That’s why the blue-collah fans of HANRAHAN NATION know nawt to cheer them. Whereas most would hear applause from a crowd and feel pride for a job well done, a daaahhhkkkieeee just hears the cash registah ring and thinks of how many mo-ah rims and rawks he can buy.

[Emails suggestions for slurs to writers at "The Jeselnik Offensive"]

That’s why I am in SHAWK and DISBELIEF to the news that Wesley Fackin Welkah wants to hit the free agent mahhhket. This is why I said bringing in Aqueen Talib was a bad idea. It is clear that he cah-rupted the team with shiftless shucking and jiving. NO ONE DENIES THIS! All becawse Belichick was desperate for a cornahback. IF YOU NEEDED A DAHHHKIE CORNAH SO BAD, GO GET TROY BROWN! HE WAS THE RARE HAHHHD-WORKING DAHHKIEEE. YOU DON’T LET THOSE GO! THEY AHHH LIKE UNICAHNS. Talib was a big gamble and it didn’t pay off so now the team is poisoned with dahhhkieeocity and we may lose Welkah as a result.

Tawmmy Brady might be a cawk-hungry mincy faggot like Seth MacFahhhlane without the KILLAH BOOB SONGS, but he came through fo-ah the team. He took less money, because Tawmmy, even when on his diva period pussy cramps, knows he owes everything he has to FUTURE BRIAN HAHTLINE NATION. He gets it. He’s a team playah. Unfortunately, Tawmmy’s gestcha was too little, too late. Welkah was already hopelessly cawntaminated with dahhkieee bling lust.

Bahston is a brotherhood. Once you leave, even if it is tempahrahree and for good reason, you ahhh cast out forevah in ow-ah minds! Welkah may think he’s gaining but in reality he is losing something fahhhhh mo-ah valuable than money: OW-AH RESPECT! No longah ahhh you the beloved undersized son of a city, you ahh just ivory dahhkieee Deion Branch PAHT TWO!

Strange as it may sound, before this momentous signing happened, I had already been thinking about Gawd. After the Reject Soviet Sand Dahhhkies bowmbed the Marathon, I was at a lawss. My whole worldview was shaken. It felt like there was nothing good left in the world.

[Gets BAHSTON STRONG airbrushed on the side of his car in Red Sox font]

But when I saw THE MIGHTY B’S OF ICE SAWX NATION rally from the brink of being eliminated by a pack of maple dick Canadians to the do-ahstep of yet another Cup, I knew it was a sign from above. Gawd sawr how much Bawston suffahed and how we persahvered. He was in ow-ah cornah once again. HE OWED US FOR OW-AH PAIN! WE EARNED GAWD’S RESPECT WITH OW-AH GRIT AND DETERMINATION IN TIMES OF STRUGGLE!

[Blasts "My Sacrifice"]

It only makes sense that Tebow came he-ah. Sure, the jokahs will have their laughs, but deep down everyone knows this is anothah classic case of the PAYTREEUTS being smartah than everybody. Belichick knew the only thing capable of canceling Tebow’s mystical Jesus powers was THE FACKIN SINFUL CAWKSUCKING NEW YARK FAGGOTS. That’s why he was useless awn on the Jets. The rest of the league was too blind to see, but nawt Billy B. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

I was talking about this yesterday at the strip club when someone said to me, “But Tawmmy, how is Boston any mo-ah spiritual than New Yark?” I just had to elbow him in the teeth for his ignorance. We ahhh an undahrated holy land. The Catholic roots he-ah run deep. It’s impahtant to note that Catholicism is oldah than othah types of Christianity and therefore bettah. Sure, it has a bunch of stupid saints nobody cahhhs about and priests who guzzle kiddie dicks, but remembah that yo-ah faith was ow-ah faith first.

You wouldn’t know it, but there’s a lawt we can teach Tebow about Jesus.

[Only been to church in the last five years for court-mandated AA meetings]

Best of awl, the media has to feel good fo-ah us when we win, because we give them precious Tebow material to yack on about. Back in the days of the Pats juggahnawt of 2007, people used to get on ow-ah case fo-ah running up the score0ah. Nawt anymo-ah! When Timmy Tebow comes in to put up the last 10 points in a five-score-ah victory, the Paytreeuts will be praised throughout the land.

I’m already excited for this. Just look at Belichick! He’s shooting dusty troll cum in his draws. He can’t contain his excitement fo-ah awl the FACK YOU TOUCHDOWNS he’s gonna put on the Jets with ow-ah new VICTORY CIGAH BACK! I bet Tebow gets five against the Jets and the Broncos. Then we put Tebow in own defense to knock out that traitorous honorary dahhhkiiee, WELKAH. The media will never cawl him dirty! Belichick knows this! It’s all paht of his master plan.

Did I say his master plan? I meant GAWD’S MASTER PLAN. BECAUSE WE AHHHH GAWD SAWX NATION FROM THIS POINT FAHHWAHHHD!

Kathie Lee Gifford: HELLOOOOOO, everybody!

Hoda Kotb: If you’re just joining us, thanks for tuning in on this wonderful little Tuesday we’re having. One more day ‘til hump day, right Kath?

Kathie Lee: Finally.

(drinks half a bottle of wine)

Hoda: You said it.

(drinks other half)

Kathie Lee: We’ve got Amy Adams joining us today. And, Hoda? Let me tell you, I just LOVE her look in American Hustle. LOVE.

Hoda: LOVE.

In unison: LOVE

(pours six more glasses of wine)

Hoda: Also, coming up later we’ll be joined in studio by Lady Antebellum. Kath, I bet you haven’t seen them since they played your 60th birthday soirée last fall, huh?

Kathie Lee: Sure haven’t. Boy, that was a fun night, wasn’t it? The pinot was flowing, there was dancing, fabulous food, and the venue was GORGEOUS.

Hoda: GORGEOUS.

In unison: GORGEOUS

Kathie Lee: Had one too many of these little guys…

(drinks from two wine glasses simultaneously)

…and could have sworn I heard Frank trying to talk you into a THREE-WAY.

Hoda: He, uh, (awkward chuckle) that’s crazy talk.

(Empties flask into half-full wine glass)

Kathie Lee: I know, right? WINE!

(punctures Franzia box with a straw)

Kathie Lee: Anyway, before we get to our guests, we’ve got a very special caller for y’all today. Hoda, did you watch any football this weekend?

Hoda: Heavens no. But I’m sure you and Frank did!

Kathie Lee: You bet we did! I’ll say this much: Cialis can choke the engine, but nothing gets Frank’s motor running like the NFC Championship game.

Hoda: TMI, Kath.

(pulls five gallon bucket filled with wine out from underneath the desk)

Kathie Lee: Oh, is he on the line? Great. Here to join us today is a young man from Boston, who’s got a few thoughts of his own on this past weekend’s NFL action. Caller?

Tommy from Quinzee: HOLY FACKING SHIT, KICK ME IN THA PISSAH!!! KATHIE LEE GIFFAHD!!!

Kathie Lee: Oh my. Aren’t you a rascal?

(funnels a glass of wine)

Tommy: Your-ah husband is one of the awwl time great play-ahs in the league, just too bad he played fah those CUM GUZZLING KWEEAHS up in NEW YAHK. THE HELMET CATCH WAS FACKING BULLSHIT! That was cleahly a PANTHEAWN LEVEL 76 CAWKPUNCH game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Hoda: Wow, uh…well, you certainly do have a unique perspective, that’s for sure. You’re a Patriots fan, right?

Tommy: Gawd damn right I am. These colahs don’t run. Ain’t that right DAWSKY SAHNAHV, you pussy BAWSNIAN FACK!

(dips)

And that FACKIN game. Six yeahs. Six yeahs a guy plays his heaht out fah you. First to show up in the mahning, last to leave at night. Welkah had it all. Charactah. Grit. Pehfect skin colah. Then? He bolts to go play fah those FAGGOT HIPPIE PAWT SMOKAHS in Denvah, and how does he repay MACFAHLANE NATION? That retahded, big helmet weahing FACK blindsides ow-ah best cornah awn a pick play. You know who levels a fella when he’s nawt lookin’? CHEATAHS AND BAWRAHK OSAMA, that’s who!

Kathie Lee: Well, I’m sure we’ll be hearing from the FCC about this one.

(does a line of red wine)

Hoda: You seem to be full of opinions, young man. The social media world has been abuzz since Sunday’s NFC Championship game. Tell me: what’s your stance on Richard Sherman?

Tommy: ONCE A DAHKIE ALWAYS A DAHKIE!

(Cranks Papa Roach CD)

Listen heah. Up in Bawston we play ow-ah sparts the right way. Look at Tawwmy Brady. He used to be some pretty boy Hawllywood DICK SNIFFAH, but Lawd Belichick showed him the light: you keep your-ah mowth shut, leave it awn the field, go home, drink 15 or-ah 16 Bud Light Limearitas, throw in a lippah, and try to convince your-ah significant othah to give you a CAWK RUB while you watch The Town. That’s THE PATRIOT WAY! None of this me-first GLAWRY BOY chest-thawmping.

(re-loads dip)

Kathie Lee: Well, Amy Adams is here, so that’s about all the time we have. Tommy, is there anything you’d like to add?

Tommy: Sawx nation rise up! 2014 is ow-ah year-ah. If we don’t win back-to-back, the curse of Bucknah will nevah be lifted. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Hoda: Thanks Tommy. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing from you again.

Tommy: This side ah the othah.

(Gets on stage at a strip club)

IF TOMORROW ALL THE RINGS WERE GONE
WE’D WORKED FOR AWL THESE YE-AHS
AND WE HAD TO STAHT AGAIN
LIKE SOME NEWBIE FACKING KWEEAHS
I’D GRAB A COUPLE TAWL BOYS
AND LACE UP MY K-SWISS
GRAWNK NATION WOULD RISE UP AGAIN
NO ONE DENIES THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS

(Ices his bro)

AND I’M PROUD TO BE A PATRIOT
AND NAWT A DAHKIE FROM NEW YAHK
AND IF YOU BADMOUTH TAWMMY BRADY
THEN I’LL STAB YOU WITH A FAHK
AND I’D GLADLY STAND UP
NEXT TO YOU
UNLESS YOU AHHH A GAY
PEDROIAH/MAHKY MAHK IN 2016
GAWD BLESS THE USA

(Lights a road flare)

FROM THE PAH-KAY IN THE GAHDEN
TO THE MONSTAH IN FENWAY
INSIDE THE BAHS IN SOUTHIE
TO MY BOY HOUSE-O’S DRIVEWAY
FROM MEDFAHD DOWN TO QUINZEE
AND IN THE T EVERYDAY
I’VE HAD YOU-AH SISTAH IN AWL THESE PAHTS
THAT’S JUST THE PATRIOT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY

(Has never left Boston)

AND I’M PROUD TO BE A SAWX FAN
AND I ALSO LIKE THE CELTS
AND WE CARRY SIXAHS OF BUD LIGHT LIME
AROUND IN OW-AH TOOL BELTS
WORK HAHD, PLAY HAHD
THAT’S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY
AND SAWKAH AIN’T A FACKIN’ SPORT
GAWD BLESS THE USA

(Dips)

getty + ps

CAWL OFF THE WITCH HUNTS! STAWP THE PRESS CAWNFERENCES! I GAWT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

[places cigarette behind each ear]

That’s right. It’s wasn’t Belichick; it wasn’t Tawm Terrific; it wasn’t any of ow-ahhh many gutsy hahhd-working receivahs or Brandon LaFell eithah. It was yo-ahs truly, Tawmmy from Quinzee, who broke into the Razah and let the a-yah out of those balls. I shrank those balls like they was dipped awl the way in yo-ah ma’s clammy butthole.

[takes 10 seconds to crack all his knuckles and his neck]

You wanna know how I did it? Easy. My boy J-Bud used to sell weed to awl the Pay-tree-uts – EVEN HAHNANDEZ! That is, he did until his skank garlfriend snitched on him in to the cawps when they threatened har with a hooking chahhhge for nothing mo-ah than sleeping with some dudebros she met on Craigslist in exchange fo-ah Dunkin gift cahhds. DIRTY CAWPS! IT IS NOT PROSTITUTION UNLESS CASH IS EXCHANGED! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Anyway, at the stadium I dropped J-Bud’s name with security. When that hardo security gahhd tried to act like he didn’t know the legend of J-Bud, I flexed on him and as quick as you can say AMENDOLER, I was in. It didn’t take long before-ah I gawt my hands awn those balls. I made shoe-wah the refs had already did the ref-type shit on ‘em, so they wouldn’t know the balls was saggy when the game stahhted. I was straight up kung-fu ninja with that shit.

[hums the Asian riff while doing karate chops]

Why’d I do it? ‘Cawse I thought the Patriots needed help to beat the faggot Colts and their new autistic caveman version of Peyton Manning? MOST CERTAINLY NAWT. We coulda housed the Colts if we glued ow-ah dicks to ow-ah hands. That’s nawt the point.

What I was doing was saving the Supah Bowl for the Pay-tree-uts. It’s been a dahhhk year for the NFL. Dahk because dahhhkie playahs keep beating up they-ah bitches and hoes and it gawt everyone awl sad because NFL fandom these days is appahhhently is mo-ah concerned with Ani DiFranco than Franco Harris (Steelahs suck).

If I could convince the world the Pats ahhh cheating again, the world would stawp being worried about being awahhhe of domestic violence and stahht worrying about being jealous of the Pats dickstomping losah teams again. THE PAY-TREE-UTS FEED AWF HATE. YO-AH JEALOUSY MAKES US BETTAH, LIKE RITALIN OR WHATEVAH DOES FO-AH THE SEAFAGGOTS!

And it worked. Now, when the Pats win, it’ll prove Spygate and Deflategate didn’t even mattah! We’ll take awl yo-ah precious asterisks and shove up straight up yo-ah butthurt asses. You’ll wish yo-ah team cheated as good as ow-ah team, but they nevah will because YOU CANNAWT MATCH WITS WITH CHEAT SAWX NATION. It’ll be the ultimate Fack You victory according to my Ironclad Rules of Postseason Victory Awesomeness, Version 12.6.

THE NFL IS MUCH BETTAH WHEN THE PATS AHH DOWMINANT AND WHEN WE AHHH THE BAD GUY THE WORLD IS JEALOUS OF! NO ONE DENIES THIS! RUSSELL WILSON LIKES WHITE GARLS WITH BIG DUMPAHS! FACKIN GROSS!

FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those faggot fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT MY CAWK! Ow-ah non-NBA non-lazy dahkie Tim Tawmmas showed you what Bawston Pride is awll about!

(dips)

Oh, how we’ve suffahed through the year-ahs waiting fahhh this title! THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HAWKEY TOWN! Except when the B’s ahhh losing, then hawkey is fahhh quee-ahs! And if you ahhhn’t from heee-ah, well then there-ah is no way you could pawssibly undahstand what this means to us, the legendary fans of Bruinland Nation!

They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O’Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget…

They won it for you.

At this hour, Everyman Thomas is Tom Brady, Bill Russell, and Curt Schilling. And the Bruins are Stanley Cup champs…

Today would be a good day to call your out-of-town friends and tell them you live in a city that just won its seventh championship in 11 years. You live in the only hamlet that’s won the Grand Slam of North American trophies within seven years.

FACK YES IT WOULD!

(takes out phone)

HouseO: Hello?

FACKIN’ GRAND SLAM OF SPARTS CHAMPIONS, YOU YANKEE LOVING ASSLICKAH!!!!!

HouseO: Dude, you bought that sweater four days ago.

FACK YOU!

(hangs up)

NO TOWN DESERVED TO ACT LIKE FRONT-RUNNAHS MORE-AH THAN US! No othah town has suffahed through such cheap ownahship! We always loved ow-ah hawkey Schillings! We ahhh nawt fair-ah weathah fans! We were-ah just… dormant! Yeah! We knew one day the B’s would make it up to us, and then we’d be there-ah for them! MY DAD IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! AHHHHN’T YOU HAPPY FAHHH HIM TOO? MY DAD IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH DAD![1]

[1] – He used to take me to the Gahhhhhhhden to watch the B’s when I was a kid. It’s how I learned to punch people, which came in handy the first time I evah saw a fackin’ Indian move into ow-ah hood!

(loves those Miller Liteguard ads)

We nevah thawt we’d see this day. A dahhhk cloud hung ovah us fahhh 39 yeee-ahs. And today, that cloud is finally gawn. The Curse is no longah with us! I feel like I could rape a THOUSAND dahhkie whore-ahs! This one is fah Cam Neely. This one is fah Ray fackin’ Bahhhk. This one is fah… Well, I don’t remember any othah Bruins BUT THAT WAS BECAWSE I WAS SO TRAWMATIZED! THIS IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH AMERICAH BECAWSE IT IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH BAWSTON! RED SOX IN FIRST PLACE! EAT SHIT AND DIE, LUAWGO! YOU WERE-AH OW-AHH FRENCH JETAH!

I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…

(lying)

…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!

(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)

V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

Tommy: OH MY FACKIN GAWD! I TOTALLY REMEMBAH THIS GAME! THE OILAHS PUSSIED OUT AFATAH GOING UP 35-3! WHAT A BUNCH OF FACKIN’ LOOSAHS!!!

(dips ashes of deceased grandfather)

You would nawt believe the impact this game had on the LEGENDARY FANS OF WAHLBERG NATION!!! I remembah wawtching that game with my dad, and my dad was like, “You know what this reminds me of, sonny boy?” And I knew what he was tawking about! He knew what he was tawking about! WE KNEW. We sensed it in the ay-ahhhh! This game was clearly awll about…

BUCKNAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, to remembah that night. Simple ground bawll. A play a child could make. In a way, we were awll children then. EXCEPT FAR ME BECAUSE I WAS BUSY TAKING SEANDRA O’FITZGERALD TO POUNDTOWN BEHIND QUINZEE ELEMENTARY! She was fackin’ fat as shit, but that was a good startah pussy!!!

(cranks up Breaking Benjamin)

Then the bawll went through Bucknah’s legs and things were-ah NEVAH the same! Even now, as Bawston has risen from the ashes to become AMERICA’S FAVORITE AND MOST DAWMINANT SPARTS CITY! We could nawt enjoy ow-ah fifty-six titles in three yee-ahs prawpahly becawse of the trauma! If you ahhhhn’t from hee-yah, you don’t get that!

(was actually born in Greenwich)

Awll the Stanley Cups and awll the Warld Series titles and awll the Spartswritah of the Year-ah awards cannot make the HURT go away! AND NOW THE FACKIN’ CHOKESAWX AHHHH ABOUT TO LOSE THE WILD CAHHHD! To Tampa Bay! Who the fack cay-ahs about Tampa Bay? THAT IS A FAGGOT TOWN AND A FAGGOT TEAM OF FAGGOTS! Turn in your-ah Red Sox Nation cahhhhd if you like the Rays! You ahhh nawt one of us!

Oh, these a dahhhhk times. Dahhhkah than Mookie Wilson’s skin! THESE MAY BE THE DAHHKKEST TIMES IN OW-AH BAWSTON HISTORY! Can you believe we lawst to the Bills? Billy Belichick has lawst his edge! And Tawmmy Brady has gone too Hawllywood now! And nawt the good, “Entourage” kind of Hawllywood! The gay kind of going Hawllywood! I’ll nevah root fah them again! Even when we ahhhh dawminant, we ahhh still tahhhhtured! Don’t you see we ahhh so complex and deep? JETAH SUCKS CAWKS IN HELL! AND YOU TELL HIM I SAID THAT TO HIS FACKIN’ KID N’ PLAY LIGHT DAHK SKIN!

V/O: Uh, Tommy?

Tommy: What?

V/O: Do you want to talk at all about the Oilers-Bills game? It is kinda the subject of this documentary.

Tommy: I don’t know if I can. SHADES OF BUCKNAHHHH!

V/O: I think we should maybe talk about it a little.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You ahhh nawt going through what I am going through right now! America needs to know how worried I am about the Sawx and Pats and how much I fackin’ wish Jawn Lackey would get Jawn Lester’s cancah!!!! Besides, the greatest comeback in sparts history? 2004. Yankees up 0-3. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? DO THE MATH. GREATEST COMEBACK EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!

Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!

-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh

TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!

Q: Last month, you told Tim Tebow, to his face, “Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them!” And then the Pats won! I can’t decide if this is amazing, or if it’s even MORE amazing.

-Wendell, Newton

TFQ: It’s nawt amazing. Nawt if you simply pay attention to the lines and know footbawll the way I do! Everyone knew that little Timmy Christblowah was no match fahhhh the powah of the GRAWNK. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone thawt the Pats would lose that game. EVERYONE. And now everyone expects them to lose this game, making them the first #1 seed evah to NAWT GET RESPECT. You wawtch. You wawtch Tawmmy Brady treat Vawn Millah like the packie store-ahhhh Kanye West that he is!!!

Q: I think we should call Gronk “Jem,” after Jem from “The Town.” Think about it. He’s tough. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. He puts himself in harm’s way. THERE CANNOT BE ANY OTHER NAME FOR HIM.

-“The Matt”, Manchester

TFQ: I love it. It’s perfect. MY READAHS COME UP WITH BETTAH NICKNAMES AND BETTAH CATCHPHRASES THAN YOUR-AH READAHS!!! My only beef with that nickname is that Jeremy Rennah is NAWT a true movie stahhhhh!

Q: How fast can Tawmmy Cruise run in the 40? DON’T YOU THINK HE’D MAKE A GOOD GUNNAH FOR-AHHH THE PATS’ PUNT TEAM?!

-Bobby33, Woburn

TFQ: People have ahhhh-gued about this for-ah yeeee-ahs. The nation is firmly divided into pro-Cruisahhhhs and anti-Cruisahhhhhs. NO ONE DENIES THIS. IT’S A STANDARD AHHHGUMENT IN AWLL HOUSEHOLDS. Now, I don’t think he’s any Jason Preistley, WHO CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OLYMPIAN IF NAWT FOR-AH 90210. I think he’s more-ah of an overly competitive assfag who prawbably ovah-estimates his own athletic ability. In othah news, I TOTALLY DRAWPPED 15 POINTS ON MY BOY HOUSE-O AT THE Y THE OTHAH DAY! I KNOW BASKETBALL. Also, don’t you think that Tebow and Cruise ahhh exactly alike? Good call, me!

Q: Don’t you think that NFL teams should be able to trade their first round draft pick in exchange for winning all playoff tiebreakers the following season? Wouldn’t the Chargers have done this? TELL ME THE DOWNSIDE!

-Random Fuckhead, San Diego

TFQ: FACKIN’ BRILLIANT! WHY AM I NAWT IN CHAHHHGE OF AWLL SPARTS? On anothah note: I wish I had gawn to cawllege in San Diego, becawse I would have facked lawts of blawnde chicks! AM I RIGHT?!

Q: I love you! I love you so fucking much!!!!!!!!

-Bob, Miami

TFQ: (backing away slowly, becawse you ahhh a fag. I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!)

Q: Why didn’t the NBA make every rule change you said they should make? WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Andy, Charlotte

TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)

Q: I’ve gawt a great name for any group of girls who come into a bahhh and stahhht singing real loud: BAG O’ CUNTS. Perfect, right?

-Charlie, LA

TFQ: I’ve been using this term for-ah yeee-ahs! Why ahhh the rest of you so fahhh behind me on this?!

Q: Deosn’t Alex Smith remind you of Alex Van Halen?

-Linda, Boca Raton

TFQ: NO YOU STUPID CUNT! He is just like Neil fackin’ Peart! So typical of a stitched-up cunt to fack up that analogy!

Q: I was plowing this fackin’ harse-faced twat from Guatercio or whatevah the othah week, and the bitch was wearing my commemorative Pedroiah MVP t-shirt! And as I was stickin’ in her-ah poop chute, I gave Pedrioah the thumbs up and let him I was hitting that Hershey highway good! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?!

-Denis, Scituate

TFQ: Yup, these ahhh my little tawnstahs!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM AWESOME!

Aside from all the blame for Ballghazi being heaped on Tom Brady, it’s important to remember the minor functionaries who made it all possible: Jim McNally and John Jastremski, two Patriots employees who, according to Ted Wells report, conspired with Tom Brady to deflate the game balls. Reading their texts, it becomes immediately apparent that our jokey theory was correct that Tommy from Quinzee was responsible for this whole mess. Make that TWO Tommys from Quinzee.

They really are the two greatest surly henchmen ever. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)

Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.

But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!

(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)

The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!

(spits into Fruitopia bottle)

To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!

(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)

But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!

We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.

(spits on floor)

Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!

Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?

Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?

Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…

Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?

Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!

Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?

Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???

Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?

Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!

Adam Clanton: What?

Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!

Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?

Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!

Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.

Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…

Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?

Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!

Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.

Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!

Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.

What’s this?

“Jawn Lynch Visits With Pats.”

Oh my gawd!

Oh my fackin’ GAWD!

(runs and buys 75 John Lynch jerseys)

HAS THEY-AH EVAH BEEN A TRUAH FACKIN’ PATRIOT THAN JAWN FACKIN’ LYNCH?!

They-ah is just fackin’ something about that guy. He’s gawt ow-uh fackin wark ethic! He’s a blue cawllah guy, just like me and my buddy Fitzy from Maaaaarbulhead! Sure, he’s been a Buc and Brawnco his whole career. But I’ve always felt in my haaaaht the fackin’ Pats ahhh the team he’s belawnged on. In fact, you Tampa and Denvah fans didn’t deserve him! You didn’t appreciate him the way that we will! You took ow-uh beloved Jown Lynch far granted!

SO FACK YOU! HE’S PAHHHT OF BAWSTON SPARTS FOLKLAHHH NOW!

I’m gonna name my fackin’ next illegitimate kid Jawn Lynchpatrick Varitek Welkah O’Leary! No joke! No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend! This time, I feel like I have a reason to keep that fetus around!

Come to fackin’ Beantown, Jawn Lynch. You’ve always belawnged hee-yah! The fans in those othah bullshit towns ahh nawt true fans! They don’t appreciate yar scrappy, gritty, lunchpail, no-nonsense, rugged, non-dahkie attitude. BUT WE SURE AS FACK WILL!

COME BE THE NEW ENGLAND HERO YOU WERE-AH ALWAYS MEANT TO BE!

Al: Welcome back to another NFL season everyone. Alongside John Madden, I’m Al Michaels. A great one tonight. A EE-YUGE NFC East matchup between the Washington Redskins, and the improbable Super Bowl champion New York Giants, who made that amazing, memorable run to the title last January. We have a new sideline reporter this season, who’ll be telling us about what’s going on to the field. Let’s throw it down to…

What’s this guy’s name?

Al: Did he just say fack?

Tommy: FACK YOU! Why is this game the season openah?! No one is giving the fackin’ Paytree-uts the prawpah respect they fackin’ deserve aftah goin’ 18-1, WHICH NO TEAM HAS EVAH DONE EVAH FACK YOU ETERNALLY!

THESE NEW YARK FAGGOTS GAWT FACKING LUCKY! THE CROWD AT FAWXBURROW WOULD HAVE MADE THIS FAR-AH MORE-AH OF A REAL SPARTS EVENT! THIS IS JOONYAH VAHHHSITY SHIT!

(cranks POD album)

Al: I think this is a completely farcical reporter.

Tommy: FACK YOU, YA BAY AREA CAWKSACKAH!!!!!!!!!!

It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?!

The events of last Sunday have cast dahhhhk cloud on the entiah NFL. It’s a very dahk cloud: dahkkah than the dahhkest dahhkie that has evah rawbbed a lickah stare! AND THAT’S PRETTY FACKING DAHK!

(cranks POD album)

I cannot see how you can allow league play to continue in light of this incredible facking tragedy. We, the legendary Baston fans, ahhh suffaring! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT?! This is the warst tragedy of ow-uh times. It’s fahhh warse than that 9/11 shit. Sure-ah, those camelfackahs killed lawts of people, but they also took out a shitload of faggot Yankee fans, AND NO TEARS NEED TO BE SHED OVAH THAT!

(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)

This terrible injury that has befallen the great Tawmmy Brady is the worst thing that has ever happened in ow-uh lifetimes, BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO BASTON FANS! WE DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US! WE AHHH THE GREATEST FANS IN THE FACKING WORLD, AND WE DESERVE BOTH YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY!

(does a 2×20 set of bicep curls on barstool))

That is why, far thah good of us Baston fans, and they-ahfor-ah, far thah good of thah whole warld, you must suspend the rest of this NFL season. The league clearly cannot function if the Pats ahh nawt they-ah fackin’ dawminant selves! CAN’T YOU FACKIN’ SEE THAT! No TRUE football fan would evah want that to happen! You must suspend the games, and play next season with these commemorative patches on every facking jersey!

Your-ah league cannot go on without Tawm Brady! ESPN said so! That’s like the NBA trying to go on without LARRY FACKING BIRD! And look how that turned out! No basketbawl fan wants to see some carnrowed dahkie jungle up the game!

(puts on Bird jersey with no undershirt)

And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP! IT SHOULD HAVE A FACKIN’ ASTERISK! ASTERISK! ASTERISK!

WE ALL KNOW THAH FACKIN’ PATS WOULD HAVE DAWMINATED THIS YEE-AH IF BRADY HAD STAYED HEALTHY! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Do you really wawnt ot have a league way-uh a team othah than the Pats wins a title? I THINK NAWT! THAT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT!

(spits on immigrant)

If you play these games, you ahhh showing us Baston fans great disrespect! We’ll nevah get ovah it! I may have to punch at least a dozen South Americans just to feel bettah!!! How could you live with yarself, YOU FACK!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad?

Tommy Sr.: Thah fack ahh you doin’?

I’m writing a fackin’ lettah!

Tommy Sr.: What ahh you, a fackin’ faggot? “Ooh look at me! I write fackin’ lattahs I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!” Get me a fackin’ scawtch and join yar 12 brothahs and 13 sistahs with me at thah bah, yah little quee-ah!!

Okay, Dad! Yar the best Dad evah! Remember when we used to go to Pats games when I was a kid? OW-UH YOUTH WAS BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S YOUTH!

Tommy Sr.: You fackin’ hated the Pats when you were-ah a kid. Fack you, yah little faggot. I wish your whore-ah of a mothah had used a gawddman diaphragm. YOU KIDS AHH USING MY DRINKING MONEY! GET FACKED!

Yeah? Well FACK YOU OLD MAN! I’m my own fackin’ man now! I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah! LOTTA IRONS IN THE FAIH!!!!

Tommy Sr.: Leave me alone, you little facking shit. I WISH I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE MY GAWDDAMN LOBSTAH BOAT.

Gawd, yah gawtta love my Dad, don’t yah, Commish?! Anyway, stawp playing these facking games. No one wants to see a Bradyless NFL. Besides, THE FACKIN’ SAWX COULD STILL WIN THE EAST! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Fack you and your-ahs,

Tommy

Photoshop by 289.

UPDATE: Look who threw a big pity party today.

You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation, have had to endure far-ah the last far-ah months. WELL, FACK YOU! YOU AHH NAWT REAL FANS! YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!

(opens tin of Copenhagen)

Oh, these ahh very dahk times, my friends! Dahkkah than that dahkie I hit with a beer-ah mug last week! Fack that culluhed guy. He wanted to play some jiggaboo rap sawng on the fackin’ jukebawx, but I set him straight. THIS IS A STAIND AND STONE SOWAH TOWN, YOU FACKIN’ TAHHHH BABY!

(pulls hood ornament off of nearby Cadillac)

To think that we fans have been farced to go four-ah months without winning a single title. HAS ANY TOWN EVAH HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A DROUGHT?! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! If you watched that fackin’ Sawx-Rays series, you know damn well which fanbase deserved to win! These fackin’ Rays fans. YOU FACKS HAVE NO HISTORY! YOU JUST BAWT THAT CAP, YOU FACKS! I’ve had the same Sawx hat far nearly 4 yee-uhs now! Look at the sweat stains awn it! This hat has been through the waaaahs! Tell me we didn’t deserve it more-ah! YOU TAMPA FAGGOTS COULDN’T BRING YAR TEAM BACK FROM 3-1! ONLY WE COULD DO THAT!

IF YOU WERE-AH REAL BASEBALL FANS, YOU’D BE SAWX FANS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

(flexes lat muscles)

That’s the thing you Bawston-hating faggots don’t undahstand about thah great Bawston fans. We cay-uh more-ah. So when ow-uh team loses, it hurts us more-ah than it could evah hurt you. I FEEL THIS LOSS DEEP IN MY HAHHHHT. That’s why the Sawx and Pats should win every yee-ah. It’s mar impartant to us than it is to you! First we get the Supah Bawl loss, and now this? With only one title in between? NAME ME A FANBASE THAT HAS SUFFAHED MORE-AH! We’re so used to winning titles, that it hurts us even more-ah when we lose. You facks don’t appreciate losses thah way we do! THOSE AHH REAL STOMACH PUNCHES, YOU FACKIN’ FACKS!

(cell phone rings)

Oh wait, that’s my friend HouseO. After a tough loss, we always call each othah to tawk about it. NO OTHAH TEAM’S FAN DO THIS! HouseO!!!!

HouseO: I’m fackin’ done with these teams, Tommy.

Tommy: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! We cay-uh so much, and I don’t think these teams appreciate that! Ahh you still at the game?

HouseO: Oh yeah. It’s like, 98% Sawx fans hee-ah. And I think even the Rays fans secretly wanted us to win.

Tommy: SEE? You should disquawlified if you can’t fill yar stadium with true fans like we can!

HouseO: I’m just ovah these teams, Tawmmy. You gawt the Sawx letting us down. And then you got Matt fackin’ Cassel fackin’ up the Pats. It’s a fackin’ joke. We ahh too good a group of fans to have to put up with this shit. I’m nawt going to any more-ah Red Sawx or-ah Pats games until they ahhh ready to staht winning again.

Tommy: I know what you mean! I’M FACKIN’ DISGUSTED! We should nawt chee-ah far these teams again until they’ve won something far us. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH THAH BEST FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WARLD AND WE DESERVE IT!

HouseO: Fackin’ right. Othah teams fans stay away from the stadium becawse they ahhh so fay-uh weathahh…

Tommy: But when we stay away, it’s becawse we cay-uh TOO MUCH TO SEE OW-UH TEAMS LIKE THAT!

HouseO: Exactly. I’m nawt going to any more-ah these games until Theo and Belichick staht making the right decisions. Why did we trade Bledsoe? We could have had a good fackin’ backup QB right now.

Tommy: I know! We should run those teams, HouseO! We ahhh so much smahtah!!!

HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.

Tommy: Gawddamn right. LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THE TITANS WIN A SUPAH BOWL! OR THE RAYS WIN A WARLD SERIES! Those ahh ratings killahs! NO ONE DENIES THIS! New teams should nevah get a chance to win, and help develop new fans, BECAUSE NEW FANS AHHHN’T TRUE FANS!

HouseO: Hey, let’s get togethah far beer-ahs latah and tawk about how this loss rates against the fackin’ Bucknah game. I nevah get tired of that.

Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!

HouseO: Sounds like a plan to me.

Tommy: HouseO, yar my best friend. NO FANBASE IS MORE-AH TIGHTLY KNIT THAN OW-UHS! OW-UH FRIENDSHIPS AHH BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S FRIENDSHIPS!

And if you don’t agree with HouseO and I, than yar prawbably some faggot Partah Rican Yankee fan. SO FACK YOU IN YAR MAHHHHDRE’S BIG BROWN ASSHOLE!

Lonely Sox fan pic courtesy of Deadspin.

FACK YOU, AMERICA! If you love dahhkies mar than you love the fackin’ Sawx and Pats, then you ahhh nawt true America fans! This could be ow-uh dahhhkest ow-uh! Adam Vineteiri, you ahhh a fackin’ traitah!!!

No one wants some dahhkie Chicawgo fan in chahhge! Chicawgo fans don’t have the rooting powuh of the LEGENDARY fackin’ Baston faithful! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Papelbawn should have run! Paaaapelbawn!

(puts entire pack of Red Man in mouth)

(smokes thirty Parliaments simultaneously)

(drinks gallon of vodka and Hawaiian Punch)

(cranks Three Doors Down album)

(gets Yosemite Sam tattoo on quadricep)

(throws garbage can through tenement window)

(attaches wallet chain to belt loop)

FAAACK YOOOOOU!!!! CELTIC NATION WILL FARM ITS OWN COUNTRY, YOU FACKS!

You fackin’ Tennessee faggots have gawt some fackin’ narve! Just one yee-ah after my beloved Paytreeuts take they-ah rightful place on footbawl lor-ah by going 16-0, you facks have the bawls to try and go undefeated too! WHO THE FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH?!!

(drinks 56 oz. can of Joose)

Like you’d even stand a fackin’ chance against the legendary 2007 Pats jugguhnut! Quite pawssibly the greatest team in NFL history! The Pats would beat that team by at least farty seven points. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Who’s gonna defend Welkahhhh? Fackin’ Cartland Finnegan? THAT DAHKIE ISN’T REAL IRISH LIKE THE FACKIN’ TAWMSTAH IS!

(shows off 666 shamrock tattoo on back of neck)

THIS ONE’S FAR MY ANCESTAHS! TOP O THAH FACKIN’ MARNIN TO YAH, YOU CAWKHANDLAHS!

(puts on Timberland boots)

Like these boots? THESE AH MY DAHKIE-STAWMPIN’ BOOTS!

And these fackin’ Titan fans. What a joke. YOU PEOPLE DO NAWT DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNDEFEATED TEAM. Where’s yar fackin’ history? Did you evah chee-ah far Larry fackin’ Bird when you were-ah a kid, like I did? THEN YOU AHHN’T AS GOOD AT BEING SPARTS FANS AS WE AHHHH!!! Ow-uh team has been around longah, and that makes us bettah! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT FACKIN’ BAWSTON FANS ROOT HAHHDAH THAN ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU COONCAP-WEARIN’ SHITBAWXES!

Fackin’ jawnny come lately fans, you facks. If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!

(flexes calves)

These ahh pussy-getting’ calves!

I just have to laugh, because it’s clee-ah to anyone who knows this game that thah Titans will suffah come playawff time! You cannawt win in thah playawffs if yar fans ahh nawt on pahhhhh with the legendary Bawston faithful. You watch. If the Pats play the Titans in the playawffs, THAT NASHVILLE STADIUM WILL BE 99% RED SAWX FANS! We love nothing more-ah than going to other stadiums and telling people HOW FACKIN’ AWESOME THE SAWX AHHH! Jeff Fishah’s team won’t stand a chance!

(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)

Once again, the fackin’ Pats will triumph. And if we lose, it will be because the Titans clearly gawt lucky, ar becawse the refs facked us, ar becawse farces from the spirit warld deprived us of a victory in arder to keep America fascinated with the awngoing starryline of what it means to be a REAL BAWSTON FAN! SACK ON THAT!

NO MATTER HOW IT TURNS OUT, YOU WILL NAWT BE THE MAIN STARRY! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT SOME FAGGOT NON-BEANTOWN TEAM! You ahh nawt compelling, like we ahhh! THIS IS THE TRUTH!

(puts on cutoff sweatshirt)

So enjoy losing in the playawffs, Titans. Or winning a tainted Supah Bowl! Then enjoy overpaying for Matty Cassel in the awffseason! EVERYONE KNOWS HE’LL TANK WITHOUT OW-UH SUPPART BEHIND HIM! THAT NO GOOD FAGGOT FACK!

THE 2007 PATS WILL ALWAYS BE THE REAL UNDEFEATED TEAM! YOU AHH JUST IMPAWSTAHS! GO CELTIC NATION!

Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and playing dirty. I’m just gonna keep on playing the way I play.

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering takeout or anything like that.

(unlatches door)

Who’s there?

(door flies open)

Tommy: WHO THAH FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH, CLAHHHHK? HOW DAY-UH YOU FACKIN’ TRY AND TAKE OUT ONE OF THE LEAGUE’S MAHHHHHHQUEE PLAYAHS, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKPOUCH! I’LL FACKIN’ KILL YOU!

Ryan: Who are you?

Tommy: Your warst fackin’ nightmay-uhhh! You think you can just take a cheap shawt at Welkahhh and nawt get the fackin’ wrath of the legendary Beantown faithful raining down on yar fat fackin’ head? YOU GAWT QUESTIONS TO ANSWER, YOU FACKIN’ DAHHKIE!!!

Ryan: What’s a dockey?

Tommy: IT’S YOU, YOU FACK! Did you really think you could get away with this? Typical dahhkie. ALWAYS SLAWPPY WITH THEY-UH HANDIWARK! Once again, thah NFL has screwed us ovah by nawt suspending you farevah! Nawt only have you robbed us of a true Bawston hero, but you have rawbbed the entiah NFL as well. No one wawnts to wawtch games that don’t feetcha Tawm Brady or-ah Wes Welkahhh! THOSE AH THE NFL’S TWO BRIGHTEST SHINING STAHHHHHS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Ryan: Hey, I play clean.

Tommy: No, you don’t! Yar dirty! AS DIRTY AS YAR DAHHHHK SKIN! You bettah wawatch out when you come to Quinzee, you fack!

Ryan: Why would I go to Quincy?

Tommy: BECAUSE QUINZEE RAWKS! I have vented my outrage at this harrible tragedy online with my Beantown bruthahs! Look!

This is exactly what I said would happen!!!! The lying pig Peirira says the same thing when the DB dove at Brady’s knee,if this was a Colt being injured or one of the Mannings holy hell would have broken out!!!! Two sets of standards…The next time the NFL fines or suspends a Patriot know this its a conspiracy!!!!

Please Borgess, taking the contrarian view just for sake of it. The NFL has its darlings and they stopped calling for the Patriots after they won their third Super Bowl. The NFL is like wresling now, they make call to influence the outcome of the games. They love the Manning brothers so much that they basically handed Peyton a Super Bowl. It is obvious that the NFL has their favorrites and they don’teven try to hide it anymore.

Ron boring is a idiot. That hit was obviously late. If the situation was reversed and it was a Patriot player doing the hitting he would get suspended.As for Pereira and the NOT Fair League,they have this one wrong. Stop favoring the Steelers, Colts and Giants and do something about this travesty. Stand up and do the right thing and stop being gutless.I can’t believe that this is allowed. If this is okay, how soon before carrying guns will be allowed? Gutless Fools!As for Borges,ever hear of hair replacement?Maybe you could stop being an idiot and demand the NFL do the right thing?

What a big frigging surprise that the NFL defended that hit…Did we think it would actually go AGAINST an opponent..? What a joke the NFL has become. And you, Borges are an even bigger joke. What was your point in bringing up Clark’s past surgery…? Were you trying to evoke sympathy for the guy..??? Give me a break. That hit on Welker was DIRTY…That kid is lucky that he was able to even move or return to a standing position after that. Thank God that he did. Talk about a kid made of steel ~ that’s our Wes Welker. Light was ejected from a game and fined ~ that punk Clark walks away with no punishment at all. Right ~ uh, huh. That’s fair. Next time the Pats play Pittsburgh, they should make some time for retribution on the field on Welker’s behalf. GO PATS…!

Tommy: You heeyah that? Thah NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE! It’s true! If the league didn’t have it in far us, WE WOULD HAVE WON AT LEAST FARTY THREE SUPER BOWLS! THOSE NEW YARK FAGGOTS WOULDN’T HAVE WON JACK SHIT!

Ryan: I’d like you to leave.

Tommy: FACK YOU! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BOY BUG-O!

THIS IS HOW A HAHHHHHT BREAKS!

Ryan: Again, please leave before I call the police.

Tommy: This isn’t ovah, dahhhkie! Everyone knows yar win was TAINTED! BY THE NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE! And if you don’t think thah great fans of Bawston won’t make you pay, then you don’t know just how strawng ow-uh rooting powuh is! WE WIN THIS TOWN TITLES, YOU FACK! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

You should be suspended! And lynched! My buddy Buttah in Bangah knows how to do it! DON’T THINK WE WON’T COME GET YOU!

Ryan: (closes door) Good bye.

Tommy: This isn’t ovah!!!!!!!

Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT?

(sits on hood of car)

First off, I am NOT from fucking Rockaway. Okay? I’m clearly from Nutley, or Essex, or some other part of Upper Central Eastern Northern Middle New Jersey. IS THAT NOT FUCKING CLEAR TO YOUS? You can’t just lump all Jerseyites together like dat. Every town in Jersey contains its very own distinct tribe of people wit its own unique blend of cultures and customs. We’re like the Africa of states, except we don’t have as many n—-rs. AM I RIGHT?

(grabs dick)

Furthuhmore, the fan you described yestuhday was CLEARLY a Jets fan. Everyone knows dat. I’m a Giant fan, okay? I don’t threaten to rape women in the ass, like Jet fans do. I threaten to kick them in the tits. Big difference. You should know dat. Jets fans are the ones who have no sense of class or decorum. Like remembuh the time the Saints had their game moved to Giants stadium, and all the fans were taunting them about having their homes flooded? Those were obviously Jet fans dressed as Giant fans. AGAIN, TRYING TO SHAME THE NFL’S FLAGSHIP FRANCHISE.

(contorts face into permanent half-smirk)

Bro, bro, bro, bro. And Sanremo Pizza? You really think Giant fans eat dere, bro? PATHETIC. Everyone knows we eat at Paradiso. BEST FUCKING ITALIAN SUBS IN ALL OF NORTH JERSEY. I beat you don’t even know where it is. Do you know? I can tell you where it is. Just take the Garden State. You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.

(grabs dick again, folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm)

All’s I’m sayin’ is dat you got it wrong. You clearly know nothing about anything. As opposed to myself, who knows everything about everything. Like these shoes. You see dese shoes? I got a fucking DEAL AND A HALF on dese shoes. And I was gonna tell you where I got dem, BUT NOW I FUCKING WON’T. You are a FUCKING FAGGOT. And if I see you in my town, I SWEAR TUH GOD I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BICYCLE CHAIN. YOU HEAR ME?

(door flies open)

Tommy: HOW FACKIN’ DAY-UH YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEIN’ STEREOTYPED, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! We, the proud fans of Celtic Nation, have been stereotyped fahhhhh longah than you! WE EARNED THIS STEREOTYPE! YOU HAVEN’T HAD TO SUFFAH LIKE WE HAVE!

Mickey: You got a fucking problem, assfuck?

Tommy: I sure FACKIN’ do! I’LL FACK YOU AND THEN JIZZ ON YOUR FAT SLUT GARLFRIEND’S EYEBROWS!

Mickey: Try it! I know many violent Italians who will fucking STRANGLE YOUS!

Tommy: Yeah? Well, I bench 225!

Mickey: 235.

Tommy: I gawt this tattoo of Sylvester raping Tweety Bird!

Mickey: I GOT A FUCKING TATTOO OF ME FUCKING YOUR MOTHUH!

Tommy: Yeah, well yar mawm’s a DAHHHHKIE!

Mickey: AND YOUR MOM’S A FUCKING SPIC!

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Mickey: FUCK YOUS! All’s I’m sayin’ is, FUCK BOSTON. AM I RIGHT!

Tommy: No! You AHHHHHH WRAWNGGGG!! DIE!

Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!

Tommy: I WOULD SO FACKIN’ FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHIT.

Mickey: Then it’s a date. My fist and your sorry ass!

Tommy: Mahhhhhk it. Finally, everyone will know that BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE MOST IMPARTANT FANS IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Mickey: Fine. But let’s go to a shitty nightclub first and grab girls by their cunts.

Tommy: Okay.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE DIEHAHHHD FANS OF CELTIC NATION could get fackin’ shut out of the fackin’ playawffs even if they win 11 games. WHAT THE FACK?!

THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!

(tucks entire pack of Red Man in left cheek)

I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah! And let me tell you something, yah fackin’ CAWKLICKAH! You will nawt find a more-ah gritty, gutty, GRUTTY team! NO ONE DENIES THIS! How can you deny this scrappy, scruffy, scraffy awganization they-ah rightful due with a playawff spawt? THIS IS A FACKIN’ CRIME WARSE THAN ANY CRIME COMMITTED BY ANY DAHHHKIE EVAH!

(flexes triceps for no reason)

LOOK AT THESE FACKIN’ TRIS! MY FACKIN’ GARLFRIEND WAHHHSHIPS THESE!

The Pats have earned they-ah way into these playawffs! You tell me anothah team that could suhvive the lawss of Tawmmy Brady – ONLY THE GREATEST QB IN FACKIN’ HISTORY, YOU FACKIN’ DICKSIPPAH! – and still beat underrated opponents like the Raidahs, and the Cahhhhdinals, and the Rams! NO OTHAH TEAM IN THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE IS IN THEY-AH STRATOSFEE-AH!!!

When I think of awl that we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, have had to suffah through this yee-ah, I am flabbahghasted! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD SURVIVE THIS! THAT’S A FACT! You think back to Septembah. Only these GREAT BEANTOWN fans could lift a team like this to whey-ah they-ah ahhh now. In any othah town, this team goes 5-11. It took all my rooting powah just to get them to this point. It has drained awl my fackin’ enahgy! So much so that I cannot tawnt my buddy JackZ about the Sabathia signing as much as I would like! HA HA YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS SIGNED A FACKIN’ FATASS PITCHAH! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T WAWNT HIM! THEO EPSTEIN IS THE SMAHTEST MAN IN AMERICA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(chokes dog)

I’ll tell you what this fackin’ is. It is yet anothah conspiracy by the nawt fay-uh league! They go out of they-ah way to make life as easy as pawssible far thah Dolphins, Jets, Bills, Titans, Steelahs, Browns, Bengals, Ravens, Colts, Jagwahhs, Texans, Raidahhs, Chiefs, Chahhhjahhs, Brawncos, Vikings, Bay-uhs, Packahhs, Lions, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, Cahhdinals, Seahawwwwks, Farty Ninahs, Bucs, Falcons, Saints, and Panthahhhhhhs!!!! IT’S SO TRANSPARENT! THEY AHHH FAVAHHING AWL THE OTHAH TEAMS!

(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)

WAWTCH ME CRADLE!

I know why this is. The League knows that, if the Pats gawt in, they would clee-ahly run the table. Who would they play in Round 1? Those faggots from Denvah? Easy win! Then they go to Tennessee? THAT TEAM IS NAWT PREPAY-UHED TO HANDLE A BELICHICK D IN THE PLAYAWFFS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

Then they get Pittsburgh? I feel like they could win that game by at least farty points! The league knows this. That is why they arranged the playawff system like this all those yee-ahs ago! SPECIFICALLY TO SHUT US OUT THIS YEE-AH! And that’s why they sent Ryan Clahhhk to cheap shawt my beloved WELKAHHH! Liitle do they know he’s MADE OF STEEL! YOU CAN’T HURT THE UNHURTABLE!

He’s as hahhhd as the streets I wawk on! THAT WAS A DIRTY HIT! WES EASED UP BEFORE-AH THE WHISTLE BLEW AND DIDN’T KEEP HIS HEAD UP! THAT MEANS HE GETS SPECIAL PROTECTION! Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!

(urinates on nearby car)

This playawff system needs to be fixed! You know a playawff is facked when the Colts get in and the Pats don’t! That Colts team is lucky to be 11-4! They ahhh only 27 plays away from being 0-15! It’s so obvious to anyone who knows footbawll! THEY SACK! Only the Pats don’t need luck to win. Everyone else only wins because it’s a fluke! Like the Giants last yee-ah! That Tyree catch was pure luck! Extending yar bawdy to catch the bawl, and then secure it against yar helmet while absorbing a blow from the defendah? THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF LUCKY!

It’s clee-uh what has to happen hee-ah. The playawff system must be rejiggahed! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS JIGGAHED! Farst awff, no mar Colts in the playawffs. EVAH! Secondly, the entrants should be determined by a Blue Ribbon council headed by myself, TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE, along with various Bawston people who KNOW WAY MAR ABOUT SPARTS THAN YOU DO! FAGGOT! Like thah Chahhjahhs could evah beat the Pats! What a joke!

(pulls sink out of wall)

That way, we can avoid a season as tainted as this one. If the Pats do nawt make the playawffs, it’ll be the greatest injustice of ow-uh time! That Super Bowl winnah will nawt be legit! NO ONE WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ TEABAGGAHS!

Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!

(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)

BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!

Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!

(puts keys in toaster)

That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!

(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)

Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!

(has porno movie on whenever company is over)

But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!

(lifts up back of shirt)

YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!

Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.

Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!

1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!

As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!

You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness!  Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen.  Bettah than Bunkah Hill!  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!

Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!

(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)

The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!

(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)

The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!

THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!

(puts on Saliva CD)

How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!

If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!

(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)

And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!

(grabs dick)

The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(pisses in Snapple bottle)

I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!

I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!

(turns hat backwards, nods)

YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!

Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!

(dips)

Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!

Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!

(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)

Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!

NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!

(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)

This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!

FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!

(dials phone)

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!

HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?

Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?

HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.

Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!

HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.

Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.

Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!

HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!

Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!

HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?

Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!

HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.

Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!

HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?

Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!

HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.

Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?

HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!

Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!

HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!

Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!

HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!

Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!

HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.

Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!

HouseO: Good one! Latah!

(hangs up)

So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!

(shows off Maori armband tattoo)

So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!

Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!!

Wait.

What’s this?

“Vrabel Traded to Chiefs.”

WHAT THE FACK?!!!

Rawbart Kraft, how could you let this happen? You can’t trade Vrabel! HE WAS THE WELKAH OF THE DEFENSE! They-ah is no truah Pat than Mike Vrabel! He embawdied the kind of hahhhd-warkin’ ethic that people here-ah can relate to!

(buys scratch ticket)

THIS IS FACKED! Farst, Ted Jawnson pussies out awn us, and now this!

Well, whatevah! You know what? Let him go. LET HIM! You really think he’s going to be any good without THE FACKIN BASTON CROWD ROOTIN’ FAR HIM?! WE MADE HIM! NO ONE DENIES THIS! This is yet anothah brilliant move by Billy B, pawning off an oldah playah to Scawt Pioli. Pioli, YOU JUST GAWT BELICHECKED! HA HA HA HA HA!

(does lat pulls in jeans and no shirt)

But that doesn’t stop the hurt I feel. If you ahhhn’t from hee-yah, you can’t pawssibly undahstand what it was like to root far MIKE FACKING VRABEL! We bled with him! We went to wahhhh with him! We know him and he knew us! When he caused that pick against that faggot Kurt Warnah in the Supah Bowl, WE KNEW THAT PLAY WAS COMING! WE COULD TASTE IT! IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE WILLED HIM TO CREATE THAT PICK! NO OTHAH FANBASE HAS EVAH HAD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A PLAYAH!

(buys Kodiak at Cumberland Farms)

But now I think he SACKS! FACK YOU, VRABEL! WE’LL GET FASTAH WITH SOME DAHHHKIE!

(takes off hat, fiddles with brim, puts hat back on backwards)

HEY VRABEL, MAKE ME A MAHHHTINI!

NOTE: More Pat fan anguish to wallow in here. HT to reader Stephen H.

Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.

I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.

Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.

Yes, that’s it.

Wow.

Bridget, could you maybe let your hair down? I know you have your hair up in a ponytail after going on your run wearing nothing more than a sports bra and a pair of tight black spandex boy shorts. But if you could just let it fall, and cascade down around your shoulders… yes, just like that. Now kiss and make up again.

Oh yeah, I mean REALLY make up. Make up far more than is necessary. God, that’s amazing. Not so deep with the tongue, Gisele! This isn’t a race. This is an important family bonding moment for us. I want us to savor it. I want us to wallow in it. Just sort of open your mouths and let them hover. Tease each other with your tongues. Oh, yes. That rules. Gisele, arch your back more, like you did in that Ipex ad. I mean, really stick your tits out. Oof. Incredible.

Now Gisele, let’s take Bridget’s sports bra off. SLOWLY! Again, no need to rush here. We want to be gentle with each other, and sensitive to each other’s needs. For example, I know Gisele likes having the top of her asscrack tickled. Bridget, could you…?

Damn.

This is incredible. I mean, this is just such a special moment for all of us. I think we’ve made a real breakthrough here today. I want you two to think of each other as friends, even sisters. Really, really smoking hot sisters who can’t keep their hands off one another. Gisele, strip down to nothing but your denim cutoff thong.

Good golly.

I’m so proud of you both. I think we’re all showing great maturity in dealing with this situation. You know, not every family has to be a regular nuclear family these days. I think we’re part of a new trend of American childrearing. Now Gisele, if you could just slowly peel off Bridget’s boy shorts while she bends over and gently massages your churrascaria, that would be awesome.

Holy shit, that IS awesome. Okay, that’s the fuckiest hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I could watch a thousand pornos and bang a thousand chicks and I still would never get a mental image that incredible. I mean, HOLY FUCK. Honestly, I’d rather masturbate to you two than have actual sex with a lower tier of woman. This is that fucking sweet.

What a moment. Lemme get my camera. And a strap-on. Bridget, do you know how to use a strap-on? Yep, it goes around just like that, then you buckle it. Now, come behind Gisele. Yes, that’s right. Now grab her hips. Like this, almost like you’re pushing a breakfast cart around. And you just want to thrust your hips forward into her. Just bring the hips forward. Now, just keep doing it, sort of get a rhythm…

Yes.

Yes, that’s it. Just bury it to the goddamn hilt.

Good fucking God. That is so fucking hot. I’m taking my pants off. THE PANTS ARE OFF, PEOPLE.

Here’s what I’d like to do, FOR OUR FAMILY. Bridget, I’d like you to sit on my face. Now Gisele, come over here and ride me cowgirl style. Now make out while both of you straddle me. I call this the Holy Trinity.

Mmmff! Mmmmmmphfff! Frnnnff!

Oh, man.

Sweet Lord Jesus.

I am a lucky man, girls. Hang on, let me get my goat. What the…

(door flies open)

Tommy: Holy shit! It’s Gisele Bundchen and Bridget Moynihan with Tawmmy Brady! AND THEY’RE-AH ALL FACKIN’ EACH OTHAH! MY CAWK JUST BLEW APAHHHHHT!

This is the fackin’ hawttest threesome EVAH! And we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, made it happen! OW-UH SPART HERO THREESOMES AHHH HAWTTAH THAN YAR SPART HERO THREESOMES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

You think Jetah would have a fackin’ threesome this hawt? He’d prawbably just head to Jersey and go fack Mariah Carey and Jordana Brewstah! THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINED THE SUPER BOWL FARTY TWO AFTAH PAHHHTY WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF THAT DAHHHHKIE HAD CAWLED A FAY-UH GAME! Keep fackin’ those two, Tawm! DON’T LET ME CAWKBLAWK YAH!

(sits backwards on nearby chair, whips out tin of Kodiak)

Brady: Shit. I need to lock the door next time we spend quality family time together.

NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!!

THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH!

You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a drunk who let a garl die, but he was OW-UH drunk who let a garl fackin’ DIE! You can’t appreciate the history this man had with his votah base! We lifted him up! If it had nawt been far the LEGENDARY BAWSTON VOTAHS, that highway bill nevah would have passed! FACKIN’ CHAHHHHLES SCHUMAH WOULD HAVE FACKED IT UP!

/drinks six pack of Cider Jack

AH, CIDAHHHHH!

/drowns girl

FACK YOU!

When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly brought you to your knees. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

So, what of this week? Did Peter swipe any new foul balls from area toddlers? Did he hire three urologists to slap his dick around? What kind of breakfast did Pam Whiteley put out for him? Better yet, did Pam Whiteley put out herself? Read on…

I wasn’t in Denver, but I watched Bears-Broncos on TV. Or should I say, I felt it.

Little do you know, but NBC has equipped all of Peter’s home televisions with VibraVision. Any time a pass is completed, a little butterfly vibrator that directly connects the TV to King’s asspussy goes off. So when Kyle Orton goes 12 for 16, the man comes like a LION.

Hmm. Interesting how King always gets so giddy for games that take place in Denver. I think it’s time for us… to FLASHBACK.

/waves arms

CUCULOO CUCULOO CUCULOO!!!!

We interrupt Hype Week to bring you news from the other 30 teams in the NFL. Actually, just one team. The Packers

I’d just gone to bed without about two minutes left in the fourth quarter of the Green Bay-Denver Monday nighter, but I couldn’t resist. I put in an ear-bud with the Westwood One broadcast, listening to Dave Sims and Bob Trumpy describe how the Broncos went the length of the field and forced overtime on yet another Jason Elam clutch field goal as time ran out. Then Green Bay won the toss to start overtime, and the rest soon became history.

Brett Favre, 38 but playing like 24, faded back to pass for the 14th time since the half. For the 13th time he completed the pass, according to Sims, a high-arching spiral to Greg Jennings down the sideline, caught in perfect stride at the Denver 40 over Broncos corner Dre Bly. He jogged in for the winning touchdown.

“Brett Favre is magic!!!” screamed Trumpy

“I need oxygen!!!” screamed Sims

Stupid me, I should have stayed downstairs, with the TV on. Now there’s no way I could sleep for at least 15 or 20 minutes. My heart was beating a mile a minute, like I was there.

He felt it, people. He felt it right in his asscave. Back to today’s column.

This wasn’t August football against an NFC team with no rivalry history. This was a December game with the playoffs on the line. Against an archrival.

Until the third quarter, when the starters were pulled and the game became utterly meaningless.

Everything the Broncos have touched in the last five months has turned to crap.

And I know just the cleansing process to flush all that out! Just don’t fly when you do it, or else your assdam will burst!

From his car early this morning, McDaniels sounded a little edgy.

Dare I say, even hip?

Almost angry, but not quite.

Let’s call it semi-apoplecticish.

Defiant might be a better way to put it.

An NFL coach, believing everything he’s done has been correct? I’m stunned.

I can see what Pat Bowlen saw in him, and still sees in him.

Fresh face. Supple skin. Cute butt. Hoo boy, time to fetch the Lubriderm again.

“Well, I can tell you that certainly I don’t feel sorry for Kyle Orton,” said McDaniels, his voice rising an octave or two.

Oooh! Now he’s an alto!

“Kyle Orton is one tough son of a bitch.”

He can drink a fifth of Jack and still kick your ass in any unsanctioned drag race.

“Kyle Orton doesn’t feel sorry for himself, and no one feels sorry for him in our locker room. What he has here, both with the coaching staff and in the locker room, is a tremendous amount of respect.”

And he’s the perfect anchorman for our weekly games of Flipcup.

“You have to be pretty happy with what you saw from your offense, and what you saw from Cutler, tonight,” I said to Ron Turner.

Another brave question from Peter King. He asks the questions even sideline reporters would find embarrassing.

“Jay, you just drove your team 98 yards for a touchdown. What grit.”
“Matt Forte! You are underrated as a cutback runner, sir.”
“Champ Bailey! Jack says you have a great big cock.”

Tedy Bruschi retires.

“NOOOOOOO! NAWT TEDY! HE WAS SO HAHHHHD-NOSED! Why does fackin’ Gawd wawnt to take all ow-uh Teds away! Next thing you know, he’s gonna take away Teddy Sullivan’s package store-ah!!!!! Just when I was ovah Teddy Kennedy’s demise! He was like a fahhhhthah to us all! IF YOU AHHHN’T A PATS FAN, YOU CAN’T UNDAHSTAND WHAT THIS IS LIKE! HE PLAYED THE GAME THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLAYED IT IN QUINZEE! HE PUNCHED DAHHKIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE! FACK YOU!”

Speaking of Bruschi, reader Brian M. send us this old link from 2000 talking about Bruschi potentially leaving the Pats. It includes this delightful quote from King.

If I’m New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft, I have to say no to Bill Belichick now, hire Tom Donahoe to run the football side of business, and get on with my life… I like Belichick as a coach, too, even though I find his actions this month despicable and totally without honor. I just think enough’s enough. Move on. Donahoe and Dom Capers sound good to me.

Everyone hated Belichick back then. But I like using the wisdom of hindsight to make fun of Peter King anyway. He also bitched about AirTran in the article. SOMEONE GOT A MELTY NUTRAGEOUS ON THAT FLIGHT. Back to today…

All the vibes from the Patriots locker room seem positive about Brady’s shoulder, rammed into the ground Friday night on a legal hit by Albert Haynesworth of the Redskins, and he has 17 days from the time of the hit until the Pats’ first regular-season game, against the Bills. The news, though, is sealed with a Belichickian seal.

That seal depicts a 40-year old cougar being bent over an overhead projector cart.

“Three games, no punts, 31 points in this game,” said Aaron Rodgers, who’s looking more like Brett Favre than Favre.

Someone’s aiming for a nuzzlin’. Say, what do the Pats think of losing Ted Kennedy?

The NFL loses a very big fan.

And Old Granddad loses half of its market share.

When the Patriots released Ben Coates a decade ago, New England Bob Kraft got a letter from the senior senator of Massachusetts — and a former tight end at Harvard. “I’m available,” Ted Kennedy wrote. “Anything I can do to serve the team.”

“I uh, er uh, could run a flag route. And then I could cornah a cheerleadah and uh, er uh, fondle her-uh private pahhhhts.”

That’s something he did often, write letters.

“Dear-ah Tanqueray, I uh, er uh, love your gin.”

Kraft got quite a few over the years, and Belichick got several too.

“Coach B, let’s uh, er uh, go trolling for wifeys.”

As years went on and Kraft bought the Patriots, Kennedy stayed an ardent fan.

“I uh, er uh, love that Tim Bradley as our-uh quahtahback.”

“He was the third or fourth phone call after we won those Super Bowls. First the president, then [close friend] Elton John, then Teddy.”

Wait, what? Lemme read that again.

“He was the third or fourth phone call after we won those Super Bowls. First the president, then [close friend] Elton John, then Teddy.”

/throws hands up in the air

I don’t even know what to make of that. I’m speechless. Saturday night’s all right for illegal videotaping, I guess.

“There’s no ‘Jay’ in team.”
-Sign at Invesco Field Sunday night, prior to Jay Cutler’s return for a preseason game between Chicago and Denver.

Particularly when that team is about to go 3-13.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Roy Williams, the Dallas wide receiver, wears No. 11 for two reasons:

1. He thinks it makes him look slim.
2. It’s an easy number to write when giving an autograph.

Think about just how lazy you have to be to give that second point serious consideration. Don’t overexert yourself there, Roy. I’d hate to see you waste precious energy writing autographs that have complex numbers like 8’s and 5’s in them.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

You Know You Live In Boston Sign of the Times Dept: Across from each other in Terminal A at Logan International Airport are a Dunkin Donuts and a Starbucks. Last Monday at 5:55 a.m., 17 people were in line at Dunkin Donuts and two at Starbucks.

“THAT’S JUST BAWSTON PRIDE! WE LOVE OW-UH DUNKIN’! You Stahhhbucks faggots can have all the hawt jahvah you wawnt! We go with Dunkin’ becawse it’s more-ah blue collah!!!! No othah city has a bawnd like this with a franchise!”

Ocho is aiming to set some Tweet record. He’s averaging 63 Tweets a day since becoming a Twitterer on May 15. I asked him if he thought he was, well, you know, over-Tweeting, and taking too much time away from the job that pays him a lot of money. “Really, if you think about it, it keeps me out of trouble,” Ocho said. “In this job, we have a lot of time on our hands, and after I study and do my film work, I’m Tweeting. The time when trouble might be happening with other guys, I’m Tweeting.”

“Instead of driving over people’s lawns with Odell Thurman after a Rockstar and vodka, I can just talk about taking a dump!”

Rashied Davis, the Chicago wideout, can be a gunner for my team any day.

He’s tougher than Jack Bowers!

Maybe (Kevin) O’Connell just can’t do it. And if that’s the case, Belichick is doing the smart thing to cut the cord now and go with either Andrew Walter or someone the team will pick up or deal for in the next couple of weeks.

If I were them, I’d wait till Week 14, then sign Phil Simms. It’s a flawless plan.

I think Ron Jaworski, advancing tonight’s Minnesota-Houston game on ESPN, came away very impressed from watching Brett Favre throw the ball over the weekend.

“I think Brett Favre has a chance to be an OUTSTANDING player in the National Football League. The toughness! The arm strength! When I look at Brett Favre, I SEE A CHAMPION’S MENTALITY.”

/dry heaves at the thought of tonight’s telecast

Lou Holtz, on Sirius NFL Radio the other day with me and Bob Papa, said he thought Florida and Notre Dame had the best shot of meeting for the national championship in college football.

“Ith tellth youth whatth th Oonithirthity ofth Nothre Dameth cuth beeth gooth!”

Now, Holtz is a heck of a guy, but I almost barfed when I heard that.

PK’s gettin’ edgy, gang!

Saw Julie & Julia (and am not afraid to admit it).

Ooh! Was it cute?

Cute movie.

It was!

Would anyone argue that Meryl Streep’s not the best actress on the planet?

SHE’S OUR BOGART!

All the different roles she’s mastered, the disparate roles, and never, ever does she look anything but absolutely natural in them.

She’s Jeter with tits.

Who’d have thought she’d play Julia Child better than Julia Child played herself?

Everyone. That’s what actors do.

Coffeenerdness: I continue to be amazed at the lack of attention paid to coffee at hotels and restaurants.

THIS IS IMPORTANT, PEOPLE!

Do the people who run these hotels — these Marriotts, these Days Inns, these Comfort Inns — even taste the coffee they put out? This is not snobbery, but reality: Most of American coffee is swill.

For True Coffee, you have to go to Pete’s. Technically, it’s on Italian soil, you know.

The last few days were pretty emotional around our new home in Boston, with the death of Sen. Ted Kennedy.

He was a good man! He answered my texts! He gave me his gloves! He worried about sun damage!

I stood in the North End with hundreds of locals watching the motorcade go by, and a crying Caroline waving to the crowds. Touching, touching stuff.

Lofty stuff.

I just moved here, and I was captivated by it.

And there you have it. Peter King: Dead Person Bandwagon Jumper.

Well, well, well! Looks like the National FAGGOT League has it in far Patriot Nation once again! You faggots in the New Yark League Headquahhhtahs thought you could get one ovah on us! BUT NEVAH UNDAHESTIMATE THE POWAH OF RED SAWX NATION TO FARCE SOME ASSHOLE FROM FACKIN’ BUFFALO TO COUGH UP THE BALL WITH THREE MINUTES TO GO!

(orders Snakebite at bar)

Oh, you tried to FACK us, NFaggotL, but you couldn’t! You know damn well that hit by Vince Wilfark, and that othah hit by Whatshisdahkieface Thomas were clean! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Those were-ah clean, hahhhd, Welkerian hits! They ahhh a reflection of ow-uh cultahhh! We wark hahhd! We play hahhhd! And we fack hahhhhd!

(puts on Affliction t-shirt with sleeves cut off)

YOU HAVE SET UP THESE NEW RULES TO PUNISH THE PATS FAR BEING SO BAWSTONISH! THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

(sees Aaron Schobel sack Brady)

WHAT THE FACK WAS THAT?! He hit Brady too hahhhhd! THERE NEEDS TO BE A RULE!

(phones rings)

Ooh! Ooh! That’s my friend BlueBug!

(picks up phone)

Who the fack is this?

BlueBug: Tawmmmmmmy!

Tommy: THE BLUEBUG! Hey, remembah when we went to Vegas last weekend? NO ONE DOES VEGAS LIKE WE DO VEGAS! WE DRINK AND STAY UP LATAH THAN EVERYONE, AND PEOPLE NOTICE THIS!

BlueBug: Hey Tawm, what the fack is with these new Patriot unis?

Tommy: Oh, I know! They’re so fackin’ weird-ah! I’ve never seen them before-ah! They look kind of old-fashioned and faggoty, if you ask me! That guy awn the helmet looks like he’s taking a dookah!

BlueBug: I know! I prefer-ah the original Pats design. But I have to tell you, Tawmmy, I dunno about this team. No Bruschi. No Seymour-ah. No Rawdney. I dunno if these guys ahhh good enough. Maybe this team isn’t warth following. I mean, Shaawwn fackin’ Springs?

Tommy: I thought that, too! If they ahhhn’t good enough to win, then they ahhhn’t good enough far us! FACKIN TERRY FRANCONA. WHY AHHH THE SAWX ONLY FAR AND A HALF GAMES AHEAD IN THE WILD CAHHHD! I GIVE UP ON THIS SAWX SEASON, EVEN THOUGH THE TEAM HAS WON FIVE IN A ROW! MLB AND THE NATIONAL FAGGOT LEAGUE DON’T WAWNT US BE HAPPY! FACK YOU!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!

(spits randomly)

You let us down, Pedro. You were-ah pitchin’ far the awn-ah of Sawx Nation! AND YOU FAILED US! This is the warst thing that has evah happened to US! You Philly jizzlawbbahs were-ah supposed to stawp the Evil Empiah so that we, the LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX NATION, could be happy! That’s what America wawnted! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sits on chair backwards, folds arms over top and flexes)

Then again, I figyahhhed this would happen. I knew Pedro would let us down before-ah I even knew it, if that makes sense! THAT’S JUST HOW CLAY-AHVOYANT I AM! You see, even a pitchah of Pedro’s calibah isn’t anyway-ah near-ah as effective without THE SUPPART OF THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS BEHIND HIM! I was they-ah when he pitched far us! It was special. IF YOU WEREN’T THEY-AH, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND! Pedro knew he couldn’t let us down! And we knew he’d come through far us! That’s why his fastball was at least 30 mph FASTAH at Fenway! CHECK THE RADAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(phone rings)

Hey, that’s my friend BawbbyO! HE’S FAGGOT NEW YARK FAN! AND HE HAS A NICE JAWB! ALL MY FRIENDS AHHHH WELL OFF AND VERY PRAWSPEROUS!

(answers phone)

HEYYYYYYYYYYY FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Ah, another Yanks championship. Everything is as it should be. Lucky number 27, baby.

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! YOU GAWT LUCKY AND YOU KNOW IT! You gawt to play a fackin’ National League team to win it all! The National League is inferiah becawse the Sawx ahhhh nawt in it! SHEE-AH LUCK, JUST LIKE TYREE’S CATCH, WHICH WAS ALSO LUCKY! YOU AHHH NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF CHEATAHS!

BawbbyO: No, you’re the cheaters.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!! This bantah we have is HILARIOUS! People should listen to it, because we rib each othah in such manly fashion! YOU FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Let’s not fight. Remember the time we went to Vegas?

Tommy: I DO! WE DRANK AND STAYED UP LATE! OTHAH PEOPLE IN THE CASINO WERE-AH AMAZED BY OW-AH ABILITY TO DO THIS!

BawbbyO: Let’s just enjoy the fact that the media sucks our extremely unlikable team’s dicks more than any other, and revel in the shared attention!

Tommy: Good idea! You should come to my man cave, BawbbyO! I have a fackin’ shitload of TVs, and I told my cunt garlfriend to nevah come in with ow-ah stupid baby, or else I’ll knee her in her fackin’ bawx.

BawbbyO: Then she’d have a Boston Red Box.

Tommy: BAHAHAHAHA! GAWDDAMN RIGHT! RED BAWX NATION! WOMEN AHHH FACKIN’ STUPID, AND NOWHERE NEAR AS COOL AS US!

Seriously though, BawbbyO, this one hurts! Everyone was pulling far the Phils to win far the glory of RED SAWX NATION! And they let us down! We may nevah be the same again! It is up to the Pats to give us redemption! If Belichick coaches the Sawx this yee-ah, they nevah lose! FACKIN’ TERRY FRANCONA KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT BASEBAWL! I WATCH BASEBAWL EVERY WEEKEND! LET’S SEE OTHAH FANS DO THAT!

(cranks Sublime album)

FACKIN’ SUBLIME!

I guess we Bawston fans will just have to take sawlace in the Pats and Celts winning it awl YET AGAIN. BUT I’D TRADE IT ALL IN HAHHHHHTBEAT TO WATCH THAT FAGGOT A-RAWD GO DOWN!

BawbbyO: Isn’t that kind of stupid?

Tommy: YOU’RE kind of stupid! Asshole! Buy all the titles you want! No one likes yar team! The Sawx will always be #1 in America’s hahhhhts! AND THE GIANTS AHHHH SECRETLY TERRIBLE AT PASS DEFENSE! ONLY I KNOW THIS. YANKEE GIANTS SACK! YANKEE GIANTS SACK!

Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!

(sits on chair backwards, drinks Mickey’s)

Do you people really think your-ah little faggot teams would have stood a chance against the 2007 Pats jugguhnut?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows the 2007 offseason Red Sawx were-ah the greatest team EVAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Brady. Mawss. Bruschi. WELKAHHHHHH!!! Who do you have to stack up against THAT? Reggie fackin’ Wayne? Pierre FAGGOT? Don’t get wrawng, I LOVE Awstin Collie, and I look farwahhhd to the day he signs with us, HIS RIGHTFUL TEAM! OTHAH TEAMS AHHHH MERELY A FAHHHM SYSTEM FAR US! Belichick knew this was a throwaway yee-ah! That’s why he traded Seymour-ah! Every trade we have ever made has been a brilliant heist! CHECKAHMATE, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKSACKAHS!

(puts on weight belt as dress accessory)

Oh, how good was that 2007 team! YOU HAD TO LOVE THEM! I remember watching them play like it was yestahday! They loved winning far us, AND WE EXPECTED PERFECTION OUT OF THEM! No othah town could pawssibly undahstand that kind of connection! No othah town has had a team go 16-0! Only we know what that’s like, and that’s why it means more-ah to us! We love sparts so much, we don’t even fawllow them anymore-ah!

(turns hat backwards, then forwards, then backwards again)

That’s the difference between ow-ah Pats and your-ah piddly shit Pats and Coolts! You do nawt have the powah of the LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS ON YOUR-AH SIDE! And that will cawst you! In fact, I already made a bet with my buddy HouseO that you would both lose before-ah all was said and done! THUS THE PATS LEGACY WILL BE STILL BE SECURE-AH!

(opens champagne)

You see this champagne? I bought this bawx of Cook’s special from the facking’ Sikh cunt runnin’ the packy store-ah! And I will pop this bubbly whenevah the Saints and Colts both go down, WHICH THEY WILL! And then I will drink a toast in fawnd remembrance of the GREATEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!

(phone rings)

Oh, that’s my phone! It must be my friend HouseO! He and I cawll each othah awll the time and make jokes! NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad! THAT’S MY FACKIN’ DAD! WE HAVE A FAWTHAH-SON BOND THAT’S TIGHT AS SHIT, BECAWSE WE BOTH THINK MY MAWM IS A CUNT!

Tommy Sr.: Tha fack ahhh you doin’?

I’ve gawt this champagne to open when the Saints and Colts lose, Dad! Remembah when we went to that one 2007 Pats game because you gawt free tickets? THAT WAS A SPECIAL TIME AND PEOPLE WOULD IDENTIFY WITH IT!

Tommy Sr.: Oh, champagne! Well, ahhhn’t you a fackin’ rich parson now! Think you’re-ah bettah than yar old man?

It’s nawt like that, Dad! I WANTED TO MAKE FUN OF THOSE FAGGOTS!

Tommy Sr.: You were-ah supposed to go buy me scratch tickets, you little shit! Where-ah ahhh my MASS MILLIONS TICKETS?

I bought this instead.

Tommy Sr.: You little fack! That was my lobstah boat bonus! You know times ahhh tight!

FACK YOU, DAD! I MADE A NICE GESTCHA IN AWNAH OF THE 2007 PATS!

Tommy Sr.: We lawst the Supah Bowl!

NO WE DIDN’T! THE GIANTS GAWT LUCKY! DAVID TYREE IS OUT OF THE LEAGUE! PROOF THAT HIS CATCH WAS NAWT ACTUALLY A CATCH!

Tommy Sr.: Whatevah. I don’t cay-uh. WHY DIDN’T THEO LAND HALLADAY? HE WAS BARN TO BE A RED SAWCK!

Oh, I know! I WILL NEVAH GET OVAH LOSING HALLADAY! NO ONE WILL EVAH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH EXPECTATIONS, ESEPCIALLY FAGGOTS FROM INDY AND DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN!

January fackin’ thehhhd! A date that will go down in FACKIN BAWSTON SPARTS INFAMOUSNESS! I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown out! I was busy laughing at the Mets far paying that fack Jason Bay $66 million! BAHAHAHAHA! YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS ALWAYS TAKE OW-AH STAHHHS LAWNG AFTAH THEY WERE-AH GREAT! YOU CANNOT TAKE GREATNESS OUT OF BAWSTON AND GET THE SAME RESULT!

(puts on knit cap, pulls down all the way over eyes)

Anyway, I will nawt fahhhhget what happened yestahday, and neither will you! It was tragedy on pahhhhh with 9/11, or the time that spic cut in front of me in line the line at Mama Kin, or warse, GAME SIX! YOU KNOW THE GAME SIX I MEAN! I don’t even have to refer-ah to the teams or-ah the year. THAT’S HOW LEGENDARY IT WAS! Oh, this terrible injury will simply add anothah black chaptah to Bawston sparts lore-ah! It’ll be right up they-ah with the death of Lenny Bias! Oh, Lenny. WE MISS YOU! CELTICS NATION WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SIX MORE-AH TITLES IF YOU HADN’T GONE ALL DAHHHKIE GOODEN ON US!

(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)

I still can’t believe Welkah is gone. It’s like seeing a membah of yar-ah family gunned down in brawd daylight. BY A BLACK! We’ll nevah be the same! To know that ow-uh beloved football Celtics will have to play those faggot Ravens without BY FAHHHH THE FINEST RECEIVAH IN NFL HISTORY is a crime! This cuts Celtics Nation to the bone!

You people outside of Bawston cannot undahtstand what Welkah meant to us. He was more-ah than a receivah. He was one of us. HE GAWT US! He knew exactly what this city wawnts out of an athlete: Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin! If you were-ah nawt at Gillette to see him play in his prime, THEN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN REAL FOOTBALL! I’ve never seen anyone catch three-yahhhhd passes aftah Randy Mawss has cleared out the middle of the field like WELKAH did! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(smokes Parliaments in own car with windows closed, ashes into Snapple bottle)

I have lawts of friends who ahhhh cool and we have fun togethah! And, to a FACKIN’ MAN, they awl confess to me: “You know, Tawmmy. I’m nawt a Pats fan. But I am a Welkah fan. You’re-ah lucky to have him. I wish we had someone like Welkah awn ow-uh team, and nawt that glass cunt Braylon Edwahhhhhds!” They ALL say that. Has that evah been said about anothah wideout? YOU KNOW IT HAS NAWT! THAT’S WHAT MADE WELKAH DIFFERENT FROM THE REST! Did you see him cry? No one else cries as hahhhd as he does!

(cranks Daughtry record)

Mahhhk my words: Whoevah ends up winning the Supah Bowl this year-ah, if it is nawt the GREATRIOTS, will have their-ah title tahhhhhnished! Are you telling me the Colts would have been able to covah Welkah! I THINK NAWT! Welkah and the Pats would have gone on an easy Supah Bowl run, and would have won the team’s seventh rightful Supah Bowl title! NO ONE DENIES THIS! THE PATS AHHHH THE TEAM OF THE DECADE!

I’m sorry. I’m still choked up ovah this! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OW-AH YEE-AH! WE DESERVED BETTAH! Well, FACK ALL YOU LAUGHING AT THIS INJURY! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!

(spits, flexes)

And nevah undahestimate the powah of Julian Edelman! He may be a hooknose, but at least he’s no fackin’ Reche black fack Caldwell!

It’s ovah! It’s ovah! I can’t believe it! OW-AH PRECIOUS DYNASTY HAS COME TO AN END!

You faggots out they-ah cannawt appreciate what you have just seen! Far the past fackin’ decade, ow-ah beloved footbawll Red Sawx were-ah the DAWNINANT FARCE in the fackin’ National Nawt Baseball League!

(loiters in Store 24)

But aftah wawtching two minutes of last Sunday’s game against those crab faggots from Baltimore-ah, it is clee-ah! THE PATS DYNASTY IS OVAH! I can’t believe it! We, the legendary fans of RED SOX CITY NATION, nevah thawt it would happen! And now, we ahhhh just anothah team that wins division titles regularly and goes to the playoffs! WE AHHH NAWT SPECIAL ANYMORE-AH! You cannot undahstand what that feels like! THIS ONE HIT US HAHHHHHD!

(sits on stoop, drinks 40)

But we Bawston fans ahhh SCHMUCKIN’ FAHHHHHT! You normal, average fans out they-ah thawt this Pats team was just as good as usual. But we knew bettah! We had a fifth sense about them! Even before-ah the team knew they sacked, WE KNEW THEY SACKED! That’s why we didn’t sell out that playawff game on Sunday! We had a sneaking suspicion this could be the end of an ERAH, so we knew to avoid watching it so we could tawk about why Terry Francona is a fackin’ bald cunt! BAWSTON FANS AHHH SMAHT ENOUGH TO STAY AWAY WHEN THEY KNOW THEY-AH IS NO HOPE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We knew. WE KNEW. We knew they were-ah done! Belichick? He’s old! He’s lost his fastbawll! I’ve wawtched Keith Foulke, so I know when fastbawlls ahhh lost! He’s ovah 55, and my special laws of sparts say coaches ovah 55 can’t win DICK! Even when they ahhh as white and shahhhhp as Billy B!

(cuts in line at bar)

And Tawmmy Brady? Done. DONE. He’s fackin’ done! When the last time he played well? 2007? THAT WAS, LIKE, FIVE YEE-AHS AGO! He’s 32! THIRTY FACKIN’ TWO! NO QB OVAH THRITY TWO HAS EVAH WON ANYTHING! AGAIN, I MADE THAT A RULE! NO ONE ELSE NOTICES THESE THINGS BUT ME!

Way-uh ahhh ow-ah blue chippahs?! Do you see any blue chippahs on this rawstah?! EXCEPT FAHHH FACKIN’ WELKAH?! I don’t! I see a cubbard that is BAY-AHHHH!!! We need to staht ovah! Bill Belichick has made too many moves that I now question in hindsight! WE COULD HAVE DRAFTED SHAWNNE FACKIN’ GREENE! I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT!

(walks across street despite DO NOT WALK SIGN, is almost hit by car, throws up hands in anger and gives driver menacing look)

Is it me, or would trading Tawmmy Brady for Big fackin’ Ben make A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF SENSE FAR BOTH TEAMS INVAWLVED?! Or am I crazy? Who would be against this? How could this fackin’ trade nawt go down?! I AM THE VP OF CAWMMON FACKIN’ SENSE! IF I WAS MADE GENERAL FACKIN MANAJAH OF EVERY NFL TEAM, EVERY TEAM WOULD WIN! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I HAVE A PLAYAWFF MANIFESTO THAT IS ACCURATE WHEN ADJUSTED ON A YEARLY BASIS!

(girlfriend is never seen without a Sox hat and ponytail)

This is just such a dahhhhk day! Dahhhkah than Derek Jetah’s blackie ancestahs! I remembah nawt watching the Pats as a kid. IN THOSE CLASSIC PAT PATRIOT UNIS, THE FINEST UNIS IN NFL HISTORY! We didn’t wawtch them back then, because the team knew they had to fight for-ah ow-ah loyalty! THAT’S WHAT MAKES BAWSTON FANS SPECIAL!

(gambles, loses, refuses to pay)

And now, they will have to prove themselves to us again! Because as fahhh as I can see, this team sacks! And I give up awn it! THE SIGNING OF ADRIAN BELTRE IS HUGELY UNDERRATED! IT’S A DEAL I WOULD HAVE MADE AGES AGO! You people bettah remembah these Pats! Bruschi! Vrabel! Troy Brown! You will nevah see a team like that again. And if you ahhhhn’t sad with us today, then YOU DON’T LOVE FOOTBAWLL!

YANKEES STILL SACK!

Why ahhhhhh you people even bawthering to pay attention to this Supah Bowl? This was nawt the Supah Bowl America fackin’ WANTED! These ahhhh two faggot teams from smawll mahhhhhhhkets! Everyone knows this Supah Bowl would have been fahhhh bettah if ow-ah beloved footbawll Variteks had been pahhhht of the game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(comes on to girl, gets rejected, calls her a cunt)

Mahhhhk my words. This yee-ah will nawt be remembahed as the yee-ah of the Colts ar the fackin’ Katrinahs! This will be remembahed as the season the fackin’ Pats dynasty came to a fackin’ end! THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL REMEMBAH! When you ahhhh tahhkin to yar fackin’ little faggot grandkids 20 yee-ahs from now, you will say to them, THAT WAS THE YEE-AH THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS HAD TO SEE THE END OF A FACKIN’ ERAH! You will nawt remembah the facks that won Supah Bowl Farty Far! THE SHADOW BELICHICK AND FOOTBALL BIRD CAST IS FAHHHH TOO STRAWNG!

(never tips the black stripper)

I have said continually that awl the Pats had to do was draft Shawnn Facking Greene aftah I saw him play and we’d be collecting ow-ah rightful seventh straight Lombahhhhdi Trophy! BUT BELICHICK DID NAWT LISTEN TO ME! HE’S LAWST HIS TOUCH! HE’S GETTING OLD, AND HE’S FAHHHH TOO HAPPY JUST TO FACK MILFS!

(says he’d totally plow Scott Brown’s daughters)

Everyone knows this Supah Bowl is ALL ABOUT OW-AH PATS! As you know, the Katrinahs ahhh now playing for-ah ow-ah awnah!!! THEY AHHH PATRIOTS IN SPIRIT! Any team that is nawt a Bawston team that plays far a title is ow-ah prawxy!

People fackin’ email me a lawt. They email me becawse they know WE BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE BEST AT HELPING THEM MAKE SENSE OF SPARTS!

(giggled through screening of “Schindler’s List”)

Many Vikings fans emailed me aftah they lawst to the Katrinahs, becawse they know I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FACKIN’ FIAHHHHHHH!!! The only way to prawpahly follow yar team is to consult with a Sawx fan to know if you ahhhh doing it right! They look to me. I am a fathah figyah! I AM LIKE THE FACKIN GHOST WHISPERAH! They say to me, “Tawmmy, we ahhh hurt! But ahhh we as hurt as you were-ah aftah Game 6?” AND THE ANSWER IS FACK YOU! GAME SIX IS ITS OWN FACKIN’ THING!

(dips)

You see? It awl comes back to us… THE LEGENDARY FANS OF SAWX CITY! SPARTS CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT OW-AH PRESENCE!

(scares women out of bar)

SO FACK THIS GAME! IT IS NAWT IMPAHHHTANT! Who cay-ahhs if a bunch of watahlawggged dahkies finally win a Supah Bowl? Besides, what’s the line? Seven points? I DON’T AGREE WITH THAT FACKIN’ LINE!

Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!

(lifts weights in jeans)

I remembah back when Nomahhh farst arrived awn the fackin’ scene. We were-ah all like HEY, WHAT’S WITH FACKIN’ APACHE CAWKSACKAH FAGGOT GRABBING HIS WRISTS? But he won us ovah that day! AND WE AHHH NAWT EASILY WON OVAH! Everyone in America remembers the day Nomah became a true membah of Papelbawn Nation!

Keep in mind, Nomahhhh joined the fackin’ Red Sawx back befahhhh they won the Series! You people cannawt know that pain! As a Sawx fan, it is my duty to teach othahs how to grieve terrible sparts lawsses! Only we know how to be sparts fans! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(gives bro-hug to bar bouncer)

Anyway, we loved ow-ah Nomahhhh. He was a dipshit with OCD, but he was OW-AH dipshit with OCD. YOU FIND ME A NEW YARK FAGGOT THAT LOVES JETAH LIKE WE LOVED GAHHHCIAPARRAHHHH! The bawnd we had was unshakable, until that faggot turned shitty and married that dude who plays soccah! WHAT A HOMO!

This is terrible day for everyone who evah loved Nomahhh and then made fun of him the second we traded his sorry ass. We nevah would have won the 2004 series without getting rid of that Italian spic whatevah fackin’ type of dahkie he was! HE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE WAS SUCH A PAHHHT OF OW-AH HISTORY!

(orders Snakebite at bar)

What a blow. And awn the same day Corey Haim died. REMEMBAH WHEN COREY HAIM STAHHHHED IN THAT BAD MOVIE? THAT WAS HILARIOUS! LET’S MENTION THAT MOVIE A THOUSAND MAHHHH TIMES!

(pantomimes fucking pinball machine doggy style)

Of carse, Nomah decided to sign with the Red Sawx and retiah as one of us. He said it was his dream. AND IT EVERYONE’S DREAM TO DO THE SAME! Nomah! Schlling! Welkah! That faggot Scawtt Brosius! Babe Ruth! Nixon! THEY AWL WAWNTED TO RETIAH AS RED SAWX! IT IS AN AWNAH UNLIKE ANY OTHAH!

(does immediate podcast with JackO to talk about what Nomar meant to the world)

This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!

Well, well, well! Lookee what we have hee-ya! Seems that faggot Bill Pahhhhcells has traded far that dahhhhkie Brandon Mahhhshall! I knew that donutfackah would try and trade far that brickchuckah! MATTER OF TIME! TAWMMY SEES THESE THINGS COMING! That means that both Mahhhhshall and Sandongio Holmes were-ah both traded within a week of each othah! And it just so happens that both playahs were traded far pennies on the fackin’ dollah to two teams in the AFC East!

(cranks up POD album)

Well, isn’t that FACKIN’ CONVENIENT?

You think this is mere-ah coincidence? You think this sart of thing just happens randomly? You think the Steelahs trade away Holmes far a fifth roundah (Roundahs! Great flick!) when all they have left is Viet Cawng Welkah? CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH!

(rubs biceps constantly)

OPEN YAR FACKIN EYES, PEOPLE! This is a direct message to the LEGENDARY FANS OF PAPELBON NATION that the NFL is nawt a level playing field! They knew the Pats needed a receivah, so they made sure-ah two of the best ones go to those faggots in New Yark and those wetbacks in Miami! HEY REX RYAN, HAVE ANOTHAH CHESEBURGAH, YOU FAT BAWTTLECUNT! These two trades ahh awll about the Pats! It is the NFL trying to get people interested in lessah teams so the Pats don’t get awll the love! AND YOU GAWTTA LOVE OW-AH FOOTBALL RED SAWX!

(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)

And the scariest pahhht of all this? That Billy Belichick didn’t know this! How did I see this coming, but Belichick did nawt? HE’S SLIPPING! The Belichick of three yeee-ahs ago nevah lets those two dahkies get traded within the division! He’s done! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(phone rings)

Oh! That’s my friend HouseO! Whenevah something happens with the Pats, we must tahhhk about it, becawse people know we have impartant things to say!

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Fackin they-ah is the man! FACKIN’ AMERICA LOVES HOUSEO BECAWSE WE AHHH FRIENDS!

(slaps the beer out of your hand and laughs)

HouseO: I’m done, Tawmmy. I’m done with this team. What’s the point?

Tommy: I know! GREAT FANS DON’T DESERVE THIS KINDA TREATMENT! THEY STACK THE DECK AGAINST US!

HouseO: I mean, it’s just fackin’ ridiculous. WHY THE FACK IS THAT BITCHTWAT TITO FRANCONA LETTING ARTIZ PLAY? He can’t hit shit! The fack has that giant dahkiespic done far us?

Tommy: Oh! Oh! You were-ah tahkin’ about Artiz! I thawt you were-ah tahkin’ Pats!

HouseO: The Pats? Pfft. Who gives a shit about them? I gave up on those facks two yee-ahs ago! I’m tahhhkin’ JD Drew Nation hee-yah!

Tommy: THE NATION!

HouseO: THE NATION! SALUD!

(TV comes on)

MTV: Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? Do you consider yourself a Masshole? MTV would like to talk to you about our new reality show.

Tommy: OH MY GAWD! HOLY FACK! HOUSEO, AHHHHH YOU WATCHIN’ FRESH MEAT 2 ON MTV RIGHT NOW?

HouseO: Of carse! Everyone ow-ah age watches Real WorldRoad Rules programming!

Tommy: You know how we both had that awesome idea far Massholes! The show?

(drapes towel around neck, pulls on ends while flexing traps)

HouseO: Yeah.

Tommy: MTV RIPPED AWFF OW-AH IDEA! THEY MUST HAVE BUGGED MY BOOST MOBILE! THOSE FACKS! ONLY A TRUE SAWX NATION FAN WOULD BE ABLE TO DREAM UP THAT KIND OF SHOW! FAME HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME JUST LIKE WIFEBEATAH MAHHHSHALL WAS!

HouseO: Fackin’ MTV. Those unoriginal facks.

Tommy: FACKS!

HouseO: You gonna awdition?

Tommy: FACK YEAH I AM! You gawtta come too! Ow-ah lives were-ah made far TV! Remember when I stabbed that spic’s tiahs? THAT’S COMPELLING SHIT! We gawtta bring the whole crew! You! Me! Blueboy! Bug! Sean O’Flahanahacallahan! McMurph! McMurph 3! EVERYONE FROM THE CRAWSS! Fackin’ best reality show evah!

(goes to audition, gets rejected)

Tommy: I saw this coming. WE WERE TOO REAL FAR THEM! FACK YOU!

Gisele Bündchen’s most prized accessory will reportedly be named as the 23rd coolest man in America by GQ. Brady–a three-time GQ cover boy–was deemed cooler than Demetri Martin, but less so than the star of Bored to Death, who is quite possibly the show’s third coolest regular cast member.

And now for some in depth analysis of the top 23, let’s check in with our correspondent in Quincy.

1. Prince Harry – WHY DID SAMUEL ADAMS AND PAWL RAHVEE-AH FIGHT THE WAHH FAAAH? WHY WE GAWT THE BRITISH FACKING CROWN IN HEE-UH?

2. Robert Pattinson – SACK MY BLOODY DICK

3. Reggie Love (Aide to US President Barack Obama) – MALE SECRATARY!

4. Dizzee Rascal – STOLE EVERYTHING HE KNOWS FROM EVAHLAST

5. Jason Schwartzman (actor) – ALL HIS CLUBS AT RUSHMORE FAILED!

6. Usain Bolt – TERRA-RIST WHO REFUSES TO BE PAY-TREEUTS RETURN MAN

7. Ryan McGinley (photographer) – ANYONE RELATED TO JEFFAHSON DAHHHCY IS AWTAMATICALLY DISQAAHHLIFIED

8. Dustin Lance Black (screenwriter) – LIKES BLACK LANCES, IF YOU CATCH OW-AH DRIFT

9. Matt Helders (Arctic Monkeys drummer) – AN AHHHHTIC MONKEY IS JUST AN AFRICAN MONKEY WHO GAWT UPPITY

10. Wells Tower (author) – THE FACK IS THAT NAME? IT’S LIKE WELLS FAAAHGO AND JOSH TOWAHS HAD A FAT GAY ZYGOTE

11. Brian Burton (aka Danger Mouse, record producer) – NEEDS A BETTAH NICKNAME

12. Jack White – DUNN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

13. Jon Favreau (speechwriter to President Obama) – THE FAT KID FROM RUDY

14. Roger Federer – TOO MANY ARAH’S!

15. Andre Saraiva (artist) – PRETTY COOL BRO, BUT NAWT TOMMY BRADY

16. Nicola Formichetti (Lady Gaga stylist) – QUEE-AH

17. Lionel Messi- QUEE-AH

18. Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook co-founder) – MYSPACE IS BETTAH!

19. Nate Lowman (artist) – NAWT A TRUE CELTIC

20. Shaun White (snowboarder) – GINGAH

21. Tahar Rahim – PRAWBABLE TERRA-RIST

22. Julian Casablancas – MEXICAN

23. Tom Brady – CRIMINALLY UNDAHRATED! BUT PRAWBABLY NAWT HUMBLE ENOUGH

Via

Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST NONBASEBALL FRANCHISE IN BAWSTON SPARTS HISTORY!

You facks bettah appreciate what you ahhh about to bay-ahh witness to tonight! Anathah hahhhd nosed C’s jugguhnut going against those hated LA AIDS FAGGOTS! Fackin’ Magic Jawnson. The only reason yar still alive, dahhhkie, is becawse yar too busy sackin’ cawk to DIE! Ha ha! I just fackin’ tawnted the Lakahs! I’ll drink a Twisted to that!

(cranks Theory of a Deadman album)

This was the series America wanted to see, of carse! No one wanted to see those Ahhlando homos in the Finals! Vince Cahhhtah wouldn’t last a second playing far the legendary FLEETCENTAH crowds! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We expect hahhd work and effart! And Vince Cahhhtah is just a lazy dahhhkie. GO HANG OUT ON THE JUNGLE GYM, DAHHKIE! THAT’S WHERE YOU BELAWNG!

(puts cigarette in mouth, gratuitously waits five minutes to light it)

I have to be awnest with you people. I did NAWT like this Celtics team. I gave up on them this yee-ah. They did nawt play well, and fackin’ Pawl Peee-ace has only won one title far us! We’re Bawston! We’re a brotherhood! We expect a little mar from ow-ah stabbed dahhkies! I hated this team. I sold awll my C’s jerseys, except the 37 Bird jerseys! I stahhhted rooting far the Cavs, because as a Sawx fan, I thought I could help Cleveland assholes undahstand what it takes to be a true fan, AND THEY AHHH NAWT TRUE BASKETBAWLL FANS! I disowned this Celtics team, becawse they SACKED and I should nawt have to put up with it! And my Dad agreed! He said to me, “Son, those dahhkies sack!” My dad is the best! HE SAYS FUNNY THINGS! I SHOULD STAHHHT A TWITTAH FEED!

(acknowledges presence of friend in bar by bobbing chin)

But then these Celtics did a funny thing. Little by little, they began to win me back ovah! They knew what it would take far the hahhhdest fans in sparts to get back on they-ahhh side! They knew we wouldn’t put up with that big housemaid Papi facking up! And that Theo jumped the shahhhk! And that the B’s fackin’ choked on us! It reminds me of Bucknah! If you weren’t they-ah in 1986, YOU COULDN’T PAWSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FAN OF ANYTHING!

So these Birdless half-Celtics had to work hahhhd! And they have! And now they’ve regained ow-ahhh trust! I love you, Piston Honda! YOU AHHH THE GREATEST POINT GAHHHD EVAH!

And do I need to point out that those LA cawkblistahs have only beaten the C’s THREE times in the Finals?! Kobe Bryant has nawt beaten the Celtics in the Finals, and that means he hasn’t won any real titles! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Everyone knows this is awll about the C’s! Owahback! Biiirdddd! That tall dahkie who wasn’t Teddy Ballgame! That’s the NBA, right they-ah! THE CELTICS AHHH AMERICA’S TEAM WHEN THE RED SAWX AHHH LOSING!

You fackin’ Lakahs fans ahhh nawt true fans!

(moves to LA, becomes pompous asshole)

LAKAHS SACK! BUT I’M GLAD I LIVE HEE-AH NOW! IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AWLL THE TIME HEE-AH AND MY LIFE IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AHS! I EAT EXPENSIVE MEALS! FACK YOU!

Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is that fack gawnna make his decision? How’d he get tris like that? I do the tricep press every day, but Tawmmy still has the best triggahs south of Revee-ahh!”

(wears cutout sweatshirt in July)

Well, I’m hee-ahh today to tell you I have given this lawts of thawt! And aftah thinking it ovahhhh, and aftah slapping that camelfackah outside the Store-ah 24-ah, I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE! Bring out HouseO!

HouseO: Okay, so I’m here-ah to interview you about your-ah decision.

Tommy: I know! We’re-ahh spoofin’ that Dahhkie LeBrawn! NO ONE ELSE HAS BEEN CLEVAH ENOUGH TO DO THIS!

HouseO: (snickahs) So have you made your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, HouseO. I have made my decision.

HouseO: (snickahs) When did you make up your-ah mind?

Tommy: (snickahs) This marnin’. WHILE I WAS LISTENIN’ TO CHEVELLE!

HouseO: (snickahs) Are you comfortable with your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, I think I am.

HouseO: (snickahs) Does anyone else know about your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Well, I would have told my mothah, BUT SHE’S A CUNT AND MY DAD HATES HER! HAHAHAHAHA!

HouseO: (snickahs) Are you 100% sure of your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Oh, yes. 100%.

HouseO: (snickahs)

Tommy: (snickahs)

HouseO: (snickahs) Well, I think you’ve kept America waiting lawng enough, you troll-banging sack of fackin’ oystah cum. What is your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Well, HouseO. I’m going to take my LEGENDARY ROOTING TALENTS TO FAWXBURROW FAR ANOTHAH YEAR-AH AND ROOT FAR THE PATS AGAIN!

(dry humps bar to get female bartender’s attention)

YOU FACKIN’ NEW YARK FAGGOTS CAN SUCK IT! YOU REALLY THINK I’D EVAH BECOME A JETS FAN? I AM LOYAL TO THE CORE-AH! Sure. I may have flirted with New Orleans. And I also thawt about rooting far Denvah this yea-ah. BUT I’M A LOYAL PATS FAN THROUGH AND THROUGH!

HouseO: Why return to the Pats this year-ah? They fackin’ let us down against Baltimore-ah in the playawffs. Any loyal Pats fan could see it coming and stayed away from the stadium that day. We knew it wasn’t the same. WE weren’t the same. Something was lawst that day. Maybe a pahhht of us awll. And Brady is an LA faggot now! WHY REWARD THEM FAR MEDIAWKRITY?

Tommy: I’ll tell you why, HouseO. Becawse everyone is sleeping on this team! No one is giving the Pats they-ah due!

(girlfriend still listens to Maroon 5)

HouseO: Ahhn’t most preview mags giving them 10 wins and a spawt in the…

Tommy: NO ONE BELIEVES IN THIS TEAM! AND YOU SLEEP ON OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAHS AT YOUR-AH RISK!

(boasts of having large TV in “man cave”)

How many times have Billy B and Tawmmy B come through when people doubted them? EVERY TIME! And even when they came up shart, it was bullshit! How many Supah Bowls has this team clearly deserved? Eight? Ten?

HouseO: I’d say at least nineteen.

Tommy: NINETEEN! I could’ve stawpped rooting far this team in 2010, HouseO. I could have given up and nawt renewed my tickets. I would have been totally justified in doing that. As someone who chee-ahhhed this team to three titles, I’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE, NAWT UNLIKE A VETERAN FREE AGENT.

(makes sure Blackberry screen is visible to all while Blackberrying)

But I chose to stay. Becawse I’m loyal. And, mar impartant… BAWSTON NEEDS THIS. It needs my suppaaht. It needs me to be hee-ah when the chips ahhh down! And they ahh down! No city has endured what we’ve had to endure over the past three yee-ahs!!! The Bruins choked! The Sawx fackin’ sack! And then the gawddamn C’s get shit on by the fackin’ refs in the Finals!

What did Kobe shoot? Six far twenty-fahhh? THAT IS NAWT A LEGIT TITLE! YOU SHOULD NAWT BE ALLOWED TO WIN A TITLE WHEN YOU SHOOT LIKE THAT! Kobe Bryant is just a lucky sack of rapist dogshit. HE’S A DAHHKIE ASSRAPAH! He is a wop dahkie David Tyree! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips and smokes at the same time)

Oh, these ahhh dahk dahk times far us, HouseO. Dahhkah than Moolie Mookie Wilson! Awll ow-ah teams have become shitty and taken ow-ah suppart fahhh granted. And just once, just fackin’ ONCE, I would like to root fahhh a team that gets cawlls from the refs. The refs have it in far us! IT’S SO OBVIOUS! THEY RESENT THAT BAWSTON HAS GREAT TEAMS AND A STRANGLEHOLD ON THE AMERICAN LATE NIGHT TV COMEDY WRITING INDUSTRY!

(promoted to head writer of SNL despite not being funny)

A fackin’ losah New Yark fan would turn tail in this time of crisis. But NAWT me. I’m going to stick to my huge, huge guns, and root fahhh ow-ah Greatriots once again! Although this is just a one yee-ah cawntract. If they fack it up this time around, I’m gone by Week 8!

HouseO: So yar stayin’ with the Pats?

Tommy: That’s right. The Pats ahhh like Mahk Wahlberg. He may make a shitty movie once in a while, but everyone in Hawllywood secretly knows he’s the toughest fackah out they-ah!

HouseO: Oh, speaking of Hawllywood, did you see the trailah far “The Town”?

Tommy: AFFLECK!

HouseO: HAMM!

Tommy: OW-AH HOOD IN QUINZEE IS JUST LIKE THAT! FACKIN’ WELKAHHH TOUGH!

HouseO: GO PATS!

Tommy: UNLESS THEY SACK! I GAWT A FEELIN’ ABOUT CHAD HENNE AND MIAMI THIS YEE-AH!! I like the way Mahhhshall hits dahkie girls with bricks! THEY AHH MY SLEEPAH TEAM!

I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least two faggot dahkie cawllege kids. I was NAWT prepay-uhed to get this news. NONE OF US WERE-AH!

“Tawmmy, did you hear about Brady?”

“What happened?”

“HE WRECKED HIS CAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

So many emotions. How could this be? Why did this happen? Whose the fackin asshole Yankee fan who plowed into ow-ahhhh FOOTBALL TED WILLIAMS?! Why do bad things keep happening to the FACKIN’ LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX GALAXY?! You can’t tell me any fanbase has experienced this kind of wild mix of emotions! First I was scay-uhed! Then I was shaken! Then I was nervous. Then I pissed in an alleyway, just fahh the fack of it. Sure, Tawmmy Brady was okay. But what if he hadn’t been okay? What if he had been hurt? IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUCKNAH TWO POINT OH!!! First Brady gets that faggot hay-uhcut. Now this!

(dips, spits)

The second I gawt awff the phone with my dad, my buddy HouseO called me to commiserate. ONLY BAWSTON FANS AHHH THIS QUICK TO CAWLL EACH OTHAH! We both agreed that this marning’s events ahhh a turning point in the Bawston sparts saga! Not unlike the end of Mistah Holland’s Opus, which I saw 97 times fahhh no reason at all!

(wears bike chain as necklace)

We also agreed that this accident changes my entiah gambling fahhmula far 2010! You see, I bet on games using my patented TAWMBAWTICS method, which totally had me winning money until midseason, when I lawst all my cash to the fackin’ Jew fack bookie my cousin uses! That Jew should be gassed with diarrhea fumes!

(calls bookie in front of people at bar and loudly announces amount of wager for all to hear)

TAWMBAWTICS clearly states that every NFL season has any numbah of teams that can be perfectly matched up with the cast of Road Rules Challenge! The Colts ahhh clearly Ashlee! And the Ravens ahhh clearly Donnie O. NO ONE DENIES THIS! It’s a proven system that only needs thirty-seven tweaks every yee-ah depending on how badly it does. It can’t fail!

(loses bet, blames reality)

But this Brady accident has me shaken up! It makes me wondah what’s next. The Sawx ahhh out of it. Brady and Belichick ahhh oldah. What if they go into the tank? What if that big gorilla Shaq ruins ow-ah C’s? HE’S A DAHHKIE GORILLA! What if “The Town” turns out to suck? No othah city is faced with this kind of turmoil!

(feels biceps)

I’ll tell you this, though. Brady wawked away from that wreck. You find me a tuffah QB than that! I didn’t see Rawthlibergah walk away when some old bitch smacked his Jap bike! HE’S NAWT WELKAH TOUGH! That’s how we handle ow-ah shit in the Back Bay!

So mahhk the day, people. It is a day that live live in Bawston infamy forevah!

Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

(buys 37 Woodhead jerseys for his 37 siblings)

(“Dream Weaver” plays in Tommy’s head)

(rainbows shoot from Woodhead’s asshole)

DANNY WOODHEAD IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHAWT IN THE AHHHHHM THIS GREATRIOT TEAM NEEDS! HE IS OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAH! I can feel it! I always know a playah is special when I know I’ll tell my grandkid that I gawt to wawtch him compete! THAT IS DANNY WOODHEAD! I dunno. There-ah is something about this kid that’s special! I can’t put my finger awn it!

Oh yeah. I know. HE’S NO DAHHHKIE!

Finally, a great white running back to cawll ow-ah own! WE DESERVE THIS AFTAH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS! Danny Woodhead is a folk hero! A legend! ONLY IN BAWSTON COULD HIS STORY BE TOLD!

(would never say the same thing about Kenneth Darby)

I always thawt Welkah was ow-ah non-dahkie Troy Brown. And now, finally, we have TWO non-dahkie Troy Browns! That is just the kind of great chemistry this team needs! You do NAWT win championships with selfish dahkie wideouts. You can only win titles with GRIT and SCRAPPINESS and awll of the qualities of Bawston you saw while wawtching THE TOWN! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips)

Now that we have good ol’ Woody here-ah, we do nawt need that cornrowed jungle monkey Randy Mawss on ow-ah team! THAT MAN IS A CANCAH! CANCAHHHH! We would have awbviously won Supah Bowl Farty Two and gawne 19-0 if we had simply shipped that dahkie back to the Cawngo and had a running back like ol’ Woody on ow-ah side! TYREE NEVAH WOULD HAVE LUCKED INTO THAT HELMET CATCH IN THE FACE OF DANNY WOODHEAD’S TOUGHNESS!

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

I look at these Pats now and I see a real TEAM! BRADY! WELKAH! WOODHEAD! EDELMAN! It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!

I think America will grow to love this Pats team once they see them in action. It’s a real unit now. No egos. No sulking. No dahhhkies complaining far more-ah money! What were-ah you gawnna spend yar money awn, dahkie? RIMS AND CHILD SUPPART, THAT’S WHAT!

Randy Mawss nevah undahstood what it takes to be a true Greatriot. He nevah understood what we, THE LEGENDARY FANS OF FACK THE YANKEES NATION, demand of ow-ah players. He was nevah one of us. SO FACK HIM! I HOPE HE DIES! Belichick is, once again, a genius far shipping him out at just the right time! BILL GETS US. Danny Woodhead is ow-ah new hero!

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!

(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)

It’s true, America. I am proud to repart that Bawston has finally in love with ow-ah Patriots all ovah again! And it’s about goddamn time! Finally, the Patties ahhh back to playing the hahhd-nosed, blue cawllah style of footbawll that MATCHES OW-AH FANBASE TO A FACKIN’ TEE.

(actually grew up in Greenwich)

This ain’t Hawllywood, people. We fight and claw far everything we have here-ah in Chestnut Hill. USUALLY BECAWSE SOME DAHKIE IS TRYIN’ TO STEAL IT! You dahhkies in Roxbury know you took my JVC cahhhh radio last week! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Face it: we weren’t comfortable with being the glamah team. That does NAWT suit us. Maybe that works far you New Yark faggots. But it’s nawt owah thing. We ahhhn’t a bunch of fancy quee-ahs!

(dreams of one day doing a cameo on Entourage)

We’re REAL! And we’re much mar comfortable bein’ the underdawgs. BEIN’ AMERICA’S SWEETHAHHHHTS! You can’t tell me you don’t love this Pats team! Woodhead! Welkah! THAT NIP WHO BLAWKS KICKS! You can tell me this team isn’t much bettah when they’re-ah winning tight games and bein’ content to outsmahhht everyone else. And we ahhh smahhtah than you!

(failed to get enough credits to earn that phys ed degree from Northeastern)

That’s how we ended up with two first roundahs next year-ah! That’s how we ended up getting a third roundah far that stupid dahkie Mawss! Hey Randy, why don’t you go to Atlanta? PLENTY OF KAWLLAHED GREENS AT THE BUFFET THEY-AH FOR YOU, TOUGH GUY!

And you know what the best pahhht of this is? Finally, NO ONE RESPECTS THE PATS AGAIN. I hear it everywhere-ah I go. “They ahhn’t really that good.” “They gawt lucky.” “They sack, but Tawmmy has great lats.” I hear it awll. Well, you faggots just keep on hatin’. Keep on doubtin’ Billy Belichick. He’s always five steps ahead of you. He’s just like Bawbby Fischah! AND I HEAR HE HATES JEWS TO BOOT!

You watch. 2010 is going to go down as the year-ah of the Lunchpail Nation. We’ve gawt ow-ah Pats back. And did I nawt just watch ow-ah Basketball Woodheads clawwbah LeBrawn and his bunch of Miami Cawklickahs? Nice try, LeBrawn, but the path to losing to LA goes through US! YOU GAWTTA DEAL WITH THE FANS IN THAH GAHHHDEN, AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT! I gawt a name far you and Wade and Candian Rawbert Parrish. THE POINTAH SISTAHS! CAUSE YOU AWLL POINT FINGAHS! BOOM! ROASTED!

(only watched first half of Celtics-Heat game)

And do I even need to mention it? I think I do. A little group of faggots everyone knows called that New Yark Yankees gawt they-ah assholes split by Texas! THE RANGAHS WON FAR THE PRIDE OF BOOTSTRAP NATION! The Sawx come out awn top again! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sees Bridget Moynahan walk by)

WHOR-AH! WHOR-AHH! JEZEBEL! YOU TRAPPED OW-AH QB, WHO ISN’T AS BIG OF A FAG NOW THAT HE’S WINNING GRITTY GAMES AGAIN! YOU AHH A SLUT! I INSULT YOU FAR THE PRIDE OF MASSACHUSETTS, YOU SPERM-STEALING OLD MAID! YOU AHHHN’T EVEN THAT HAWT! MAYBE I’D LET YOU BLOW ME BUT YOU’D GET NOTHING IN THE BISCUIT!

FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!

(leaves stadium with over 4 minutes to go)

1. 45-3! 45-3! Farty-five to fackin’ three! The final referendum on this supposed rivalry! Everyone knows the Pats lawst this game and the Jets did nothing to win it! 45-3 is all you need to know about who’s really the bettah team! If fackin’ Pat Nip doesn’t drawp that fake punt, WE AHHH THE ONES WHO AHHH LAUGHING TODAY! It was perfectly set up! That slippery gook could have run fahhh days! Such was the brilliance of the play’s design that it should have been called a first down anyway!

2. CHEATAHS! You had to fake injuries to slow down the legendary DUCK BOAT JUGGUHNAUTS! You fackin’ pansy ass quee-ahs! Hey Bahhht Scawtttt, why don’t you grab your ankles a little more-ah, you flooded cunt! THAT WAS NAWT A LEGITIMATE WAY TO WIN! That means we won ow-ah fifth Supah Bowl! Take a look at the DVOA rankings and you know this to be true!

3. Act like you’ve been they-ah before-ahhhhh, New Yark! Look at Shawnn Greene, sleeping in the end zone like the lazy dahhhkie that he is! You people cleee-ahly have no experience winning titles the way we do in Titletown, USMass!!!! NO CLASS! JIM NANTZ was right about you dahkies! Jumping around like a bunch of wild monkey children! THAT’S WHAT YOU AHHHH! America does nawt like black grandstandahhhhs! They prefer the quiet stoicism of Julian Edelman!

4. TWO FACKIN’ GOLDEN GLOBES FAR THE FIGHTAH! NEED I SAY MORE-AHHH?

5. NAWT FAY-AHHH! We had ovah 500 undrafted free agents on ow-ah rawstah! No first round glory boys fahhh us! We made more-ah with ow-ah talent than you did, and that mattahs!

6. Pitchahs and catchahs repart soon! PITCHAHHHHS AND CATCHAHHHS!!! Cahhhhl Crahhhfahhhd! Adrian Mexicanguy! THEY SAY HE’S THE QUIET MANNY! Tawp that, you Yankee sluts! Oh, by all means, have yar little “football victory.” Enjoy it. You know it doesn’t hurt us! You know that it means NOTHING to us! YOU CAN’T WIN CLUTCH BASEBALL GAMES WHEN IT MATTAHS!

Make no mistake! This game has put the legendary fans of Wahlberg Nation in straight FACK YOU mode! And you don’t want to fack with us when we ahhh in FACK YOU mode! One time I was in FACK YOU mode and two camel jawkeys neeee-ahly gawt beaten to death! NOTHING CAN STAWP UP NOW! OW-PISSED AWFF IS MORE-AH PISSED AWFF THAN YOUR-AH PISSED AWFF! Ow-ah angah shall drive the Sawx to yet anathah AL East Wild Cahhhhd berth! You wawtch! And then we’ll have Danny Woodhead drawp kick the extra home run and Terry Francona will point to Rex Ryan in the stands and say YOU AHHH JUST ANATHAH GUY TO ME! YOU AHHH NOTHING! WE AHHH SO GOOD WE DON’T EVEN THINK OF YOU, BECAUSE WE DON’T REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL! NOW OUTTA MY WAY! And then we’ll have the last laugh! You wawtch!

(directs bank neist movie and films self shirtless for 90% of the running time)

Fackin’ Brady and Belichick. I knew we nevah should have traded Bledsoe!

The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.