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WE AHHHHHH HAWNTED!!!!
FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK! Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?! (dips) I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you...
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WHO LET THAT DAHKIE ON THE ICE???!!!
(prior to Joel Ward’s goal last night) Well well well, anathah crucial Game 7 fahhh the citizens of FIAH BAWBBY V NATION. No othah city has had more-ah moments of high sparts drawma than ow-ahs. NO...
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Meet The Real Life Tommy From Quinzee
For years, the above Getty image of a Patriots fan cheering shirtless in the snow has served as the visual representation of a fan base as well as parenthetical-heavy KSKharacter Tommy from Quinzee....
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KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: New England Patriots
The Patriots once again lost in the Super Bowl to the Giants thanks to yet another late 4th quarter comeback drive orchestrated by Eli Manning. And there was a great rejoicing. Since then, the...
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Mitt Romney Is A Patriots Fan Who Might Not Know How Many Titles They Have
I’ve said before that sports gaffes are the absolute last thing you should judge a political candidate on. Sports team allegiance, however, that’s totally an understandable reason to distrust someone....
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WELKAH TESTING THE MAHHKET IS A REMINDAH THAT SPARTS IS PURELY A BUSINESS
WHAT THE FACK IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I can’t believe Welkah could be awn anothah team next ye-uh. WELKAH! THE HAHHHTTT AND SOUL AND GRITTY GUTTY GUTS OF SCRAP SAWX NATION! Sure, he once played for...
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GAWD IS ON OW-AH SIDE AGAIN!
Strange as it may sound, before this momentous signing happened, I had already been thinking about Gawd. After the Reject Soviet Sand Dahhhkies bowmbed the Marathon, I was at a lawss. My whole...
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The Today Show gets a call from a very special guest
Kathie Lee Gifford: HELLOOOOOO, everybody!Hoda Kotb: If you’re just joining us, thanks for tuning in on this wonderful little Tuesday we’re having. One more day ‘til hump day, right Kath?Kathie Lee:...
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And Now a Very Special Holiday Message From America’s Loudest Patriot
(Gets on stage at a strip club) IF TOMORROW ALL THE RINGS WERE GONE WE’D WORKED FOR AWL THESE YE-AHS AND WE HAD TO STAHT AGAIN LIKE SOME NEWBIE FACKING KWEEAHS I’D GRAB A COUPLE TAWL BOYS AND LACE UP...
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IT WAS ME! I WAS THE BALL DEFLATAH!
getty + ps CAWL OFF THE WITCH HUNTS! STAWP THE PRESS CAWNFERENCES! I GAWT A CONFESSION TO MAKE! [places cigarette behind each ear] That’s right. It’s wasn’t Belichick; it wasn’t Tawm Terrific; it...
View ArticleTHE CURSE IS OVAH!!!!
FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those faggot fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT...
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FREE WHITEY!
I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS! People may think of Whitey as a murderah....
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ESPN 30 For 30 Presents: “Catching Up: The Bills-Oilers Comeback”
V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that...
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TOMMY FROM QUINZEE WILL NOW ANSWAH YOUR-AH FACKIN’ QUESTIONS!
Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from...
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Texts From Ted Wells Report Shows Tommy From Quinzee Really Did Deflate The...
Aside from all the blame for Ballghazi being heaped on Tom Brady, it’s important to remember the minor functionaries who made it all possible: Jim McNally and John Jastremski, two Patriots employees...
View ArticleHey ESPY AWAAAAAHDS, WHAT THE FACK?!!!!
You fackin’ Yankee-lovin’ faggots in Bristol have gawt sam fackin’ nerve! Last night was supposed to be ow-uh night! The fackin’ Red Sawx nation has waited YEE-AHS for you to recognize that ow-uh...
View ArticleDoes Anyone Here Want To Talk About Houston Texans Football?
Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice,...
View ArticleOMIGAWD! I’ve Always Felt Like Jawn Fackin’ Lynch Was A True Pay-tree-ut!
Well well well, here we ahhhh poised far anathah fackin’ awtumn of Sawx and Pats dawminance. You fackin’ faggots in New Yark ah about to get yar fackin’ comeuppance! I can’t fackin’ wait to… What’s...
View ArticleIntroducing Our New NBC Sideline Reporter
Al: Welcome back to another NFL season everyone. Alongside John Madden, I’m Al Michaels. A great one tonight. A EE-YUGE NFC East matchup between the Washington Redskins, and the improbable Super Bowl...
View ArticleCOMMISHUNAH GOODELL, YOU MUST SUSPEND THE FACKING SEASON!
Dee-ah Rawjah Fackin’ Goddell, It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?! The...
View ArticleIf You Facks Can’t Appreciate What Bawston Fans Ahh Going Through, YOU CAN GO...
You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the...
View ArticleFarst Brady Goes Down, Then The Sawx Get Rawbbed, AND NOW WE GAWT A DAHHKIE...
FACK YOU, AMERICA! If you love dahhkies mar than you love the fackin’ Sawx and Pats, then you ahhh nawt true America fans! This could be ow-uh dahhhkest ow-uh! Adam Vineteiri, you ahhh a fackin’...
View ArticleYOU FACKIN’ TENNESSEE FACKS AHH STEALING OW-UH THUNDAH!!!
You fackin’ Tennessee faggots have gawt some fackin’ narve! Just one yee-ah after my beloved Paytreeuts take they-ah rightful place on footbawl lor-ah by going 16-0, you facks have the bawls to try...
View ArticleRyan Clark Gets A Most Unwelcome Visitor
Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and...
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WHOA WHOA WHOA. You Got My F—king Stereotype ALL WRONG
Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT? (sits on hood of car) First off, I am...
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THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!
Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE...
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YOU FACKS DO NAWT KNOW HOW TO GAMBLE!
Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you...
View ArticleOW-UH ATHLETES WILL MAKE THE GREATEST SPAHTS RUSHMO-AH
You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness! Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen. Bettah than Bunkah Hill! NO ONE...
View ArticleThe Fackin’ Cahhdinals? WHAT THE FACK?!
The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED! Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams...
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Warst. Fackin’. Supah Bowl. EVAH!!!!
Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM...
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WHAT THE FACK??!!!!
Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!! Wait. What’s this? “Vrabel...
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Gisele And Bridget, Why Don’t You Two Kiss And Make Up? And Then Kiss Some More?
Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of...
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OW-UH FACKIN’ HAHHHHTS AHHH BROKEN!
NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!! THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH! You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a...
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Peter King Loves Himself Some Meryl Streep
When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly...
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YOU CAN’T FACK US OVAH, NATIONAL FA—OT LEAGUE!
Well, well, well! Looks like the National FAGGOT League has it in far Patriot Nation once again! You faggots in the New Yark League Headquahhhtahs thought you could get one ovah on us! BUT NEVAH...
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GIANTS SACK! GIANTS SACK! GIANTS FACKIN’ SACK!
Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S...
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YOU FACKS AHHH NAWT THE TRUE 16-0 TEAM!
Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of...
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OW-AH HAHHHHHTS AHHH BROKEN!
January fackin’ thehhhd! A date that will go down in FACKIN BAWSTON SPARTS INFAMOUSNESS! I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown...
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THIS IS THE END OF A FACKIN’ ERAH!!!!!
It’s ovah! It’s ovah! I can’t believe it! OW-AH PRECIOUS DYNASTY HAS COME TO AN END! You faggots out they-ah cannawt appreciate what you have just seen! Far the past fackin’ decade, ow-ah beloved...
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KSK Celebrity Pickakk… FACK YOU!!!
Why ahhhhhh you people even bawthering to pay attention to this Supah Bowl? This was nawt the Supah Bowl America fackin’ WANTED! These ahhhh two faggot teams from smawll mahhhhhhhkets! Everyone knows...
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NO NOMAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION! (lifts weights in jeans) I remembah back when Nomahhh farst arrived...
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THIS IS A FACKIN’ CONSPIRACY, YOU FACKS!
Well, well, well! Lookee what we have hee-ya! Seems that faggot Bill Pahhhhcells has traded far that dahhhhkie Brandon Mahhhshall! I knew that donutfackah would try and trade far that brickchuckah!...
View ArticleTom Brady Is ‘Cool’ According to Magazine That Once Posed Tom Brady With a Goat
Gisele Bündchen’s most prized accessory will reportedly be named as the 23rd coolest man in America by GQ. Brady–a three-time GQ cover boy–was deemed cooler than Demetri Martin, but less so than the...
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YOU FACKS DO NAWT APPRECIATE THESE C’S!
Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST...
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I HAVE MADE A FACKIN’ DECISION!!!!
Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is...
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YOU WILL REMEMBAH THE DAY BRADY GAWT IN A FACKIN’ CAHHHH WRECK!
I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least...
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RANDY MAWSS WAS NAVAH A TRUE GREATRIOT!
Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now… FACK THE YANKEES! CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP! FACK...
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THE FACKIN’ PATRIOTS AHHH FINALLY THE GREATRIOTS AGAIN!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a...
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I AM NOW IN FACK YOU MODE!
FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things! (leaves stadium with over 4 minutes to...
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