January fackin’ thehhhd! A date that will go down in FACKIN BAWSTON SPARTS INFAMOUSNESS! I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown out! I was busy laughing at the Mets far paying that fack Jason Bay $66 million! BAHAHAHAHA! YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS ALWAYS TAKE OW-AH STAHHHS LAWNG AFTAH THEY WERE-AH GREAT! YOU CANNOT TAKE GREATNESS OUT OF BAWSTON AND GET THE SAME RESULT!
(puts on knit cap, pulls down all the way over eyes)
Anyway, I will nawt fahhhhget what happened yestahday, and neither will you! It was tragedy on pahhhhh with 9/11, or the time that spic cut in front of me in line the line at Mama Kin, or warse, GAME SIX! YOU KNOW THE GAME SIX I MEAN! I don’t even have to refer-ah to the teams or-ah the year. THAT’S HOW LEGENDARY IT WAS! Oh, this terrible injury will simply add anothah black chaptah to Bawston sparts lore-ah! It’ll be right up they-ah with the death of Lenny Bias! Oh, Lenny. WE MISS YOU! CELTICS NATION WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SIX MORE-AH TITLES IF YOU HADN’T GONE ALL DAHHHKIE GOODEN ON US!
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
I still can’t believe Welkah is gone. It’s like seeing a membah of yar-ah family gunned down in brawd daylight. BY A BLACK! We’ll nevah be the same! To know that ow-uh beloved football Celtics will have to play those faggot Ravens without BY FAHHHH THE FINEST RECEIVAH IN NFL HISTORY is a crime! This cuts Celtics Nation to the bone!
You people outside of Bawston cannot undahtstand what Welkah meant to us. He was more-ah than a receivah. He was one of us. HE GAWT US! He knew exactly what this city wawnts out of an athlete: Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin! If you were-ah nawt at Gillette to see him play in his prime, THEN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN REAL FOOTBALL! I’ve never seen anyone catch three-yahhhhd passes aftah Randy Mawss has cleared out the middle of the field like WELKAH did! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(smokes Parliaments in own car with windows closed, ashes into Snapple bottle)
I have lawts of friends who ahhhh cool and we have fun togethah! And, to a FACKIN’ MAN, they awl confess to me: “You know, Tawmmy. I’m nawt a Pats fan. But I am a Welkah fan. You’re-ah lucky to have him. I wish we had someone like Welkah awn ow-uh team, and nawt that glass cunt Braylon Edwahhhhhds!” They ALL say that. Has that evah been said about anothah wideout? YOU KNOW IT HAS NAWT! THAT’S WHAT MADE WELKAH DIFFERENT FROM THE REST! Did you see him cry? No one else cries as hahhhd as he does!
(cranks Daughtry record)
Mahhhk my words: Whoevah ends up winning the Supah Bowl this year-ah, if it is nawt the GREATRIOTS, will have their-ah title tahhhhhnished! Are you telling me the Colts would have been able to covah Welkah! I THINK NAWT! Welkah and the Pats would have gone on an easy Supah Bowl run, and would have won the team’s seventh rightful Supah Bowl title! NO ONE DENIES THIS! THE PATS AHHHH THE TEAM OF THE DECADE!
I’m sorry. I’m still choked up ovah this! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OW-AH YEE-AH! WE DESERVED BETTAH! Well, FACK ALL YOU LAUGHING AT THIS INJURY! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!
(spits, flexes)
And nevah undahestimate the powah of Julian Edelman! He may be a hooknose, but at least he’s no fackin’ Reche black fack Caldwell!