Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!
(sits on chair backwards, drinks Mickey’s)
Do you people really think your-ah little faggot teams would have stood a chance against the 2007 Pats jugguhnut?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows the 2007 offseason Red Sawx were-ah the greatest team EVAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Brady. Mawss. Bruschi. WELKAHHHHHH!!! Who do you have to stack up against THAT? Reggie fackin’ Wayne? Pierre FAGGOT? Don’t get wrawng, I LOVE Awstin Collie, and I look farwahhhd to the day he signs with us, HIS RIGHTFUL TEAM! OTHAH TEAMS AHHHH MERELY A FAHHHM SYSTEM FAR US! Belichick knew this was a throwaway yee-ah! That’s why he traded Seymour-ah! Every trade we have ever made has been a brilliant heist! CHECKAHMATE, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKSACKAHS!
(puts on weight belt as dress accessory)
Oh, how good was that 2007 team! YOU HAD TO LOVE THEM! I remember watching them play like it was yestahday! They loved winning far us, AND WE EXPECTED PERFECTION OUT OF THEM! No othah town could pawssibly undahstand that kind of connection! No othah town has had a team go 16-0! Only we know what that’s like, and that’s why it means more-ah to us! We love sparts so much, we don’t even fawllow them anymore-ah!
(turns hat backwards, then forwards, then backwards again)
That’s the difference between ow-ah Pats and your-ah piddly shit Pats and Coolts! You do nawt have the powah of the LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS ON YOUR-AH SIDE! And that will cawst you! In fact, I already made a bet with my buddy HouseO that you would both lose before-ah all was said and done! THUS THE PATS LEGACY WILL BE STILL BE SECURE-AH!
(opens champagne)
You see this champagne? I bought this bawx of Cook’s special from the facking’ Sikh cunt runnin’ the packy store-ah! And I will pop this bubbly whenevah the Saints and Colts both go down, WHICH THEY WILL! And then I will drink a toast in fawnd remembrance of the GREATEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!
(phone rings)
Oh, that’s my phone! It must be my friend HouseO! He and I cawll each othah awll the time and make jokes! NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS!
Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!
Dad! THAT’S MY FACKIN’ DAD! WE HAVE A FAWTHAH-SON BOND THAT’S TIGHT AS SHIT, BECAWSE WE BOTH THINK MY MAWM IS A CUNT!
Tommy Sr.: Tha fack ahhh you doin’?
I’ve gawt this champagne to open when the Saints and Colts lose, Dad! Remembah when we went to that one 2007 Pats game because you gawt free tickets? THAT WAS A SPECIAL TIME AND PEOPLE WOULD IDENTIFY WITH IT!
Tommy Sr.: Oh, champagne! Well, ahhhn’t you a fackin’ rich parson now! Think you’re-ah bettah than yar old man?
It’s nawt like that, Dad! I WANTED TO MAKE FUN OF THOSE FAGGOTS!
Tommy Sr.: You were-ah supposed to go buy me scratch tickets, you little shit! Where-ah ahhh my MASS MILLIONS TICKETS?
I bought this instead.
Tommy Sr.: You little fack! That was my lobstah boat bonus! You know times ahhh tight!
FACK YOU, DAD! I MADE A NICE GESTCHA IN AWNAH OF THE 2007 PATS!
Tommy Sr.: We lawst the Supah Bowl!
NO WE DIDN’T! THE GIANTS GAWT LUCKY! DAVID TYREE IS OUT OF THE LEAGUE! PROOF THAT HIS CATCH WAS NAWT ACTUALLY A CATCH!
Tommy Sr.: Whatevah. I don’t cay-uh. WHY DIDN’T THEO LAND HALLADAY? HE WAS BARN TO BE A RED SAWCK!
Oh, I know! I WILL NEVAH GET OVAH LOSING HALLADAY! NO ONE WILL EVAH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH EXPECTATIONS, ESEPCIALLY FAGGOTS FROM INDY AND DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN!