Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!
(dips)
Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!
Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!
(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)
Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!
NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!
(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)
This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!
FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!
(dials phone)
HouseO: Word.
Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!
HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?
Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?
HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.
Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!
HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.
Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!
HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.
Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!
HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!
Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!
HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?
Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!
HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.
Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!
HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?
Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!
HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.
Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?
HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!
Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!
HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!
Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!
HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!
Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!
HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.
Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!
HouseO: Good one! Latah!
(hangs up)
So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!
(shows off Maori armband tattoo)
So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!