The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!
Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!
(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)
The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!
(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)
The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!
THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!
(puts on Saliva CD)
How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!
If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!
(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)
And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!
(grabs dick)
The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(pisses in Snapple bottle)
I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!
I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!
(turns hat backwards, nods)
YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!