Well, well, well! Lookee what we have hee-ya! Seems that faggot Bill Pahhhhcells has traded far that dahhhhkie Brandon Mahhhshall! I knew that donutfackah would try and trade far that brickchuckah! MATTER OF TIME! TAWMMY SEES THESE THINGS COMING! That means that both Mahhhhshall and Sandongio Holmes were-ah both traded within a week of each othah! And it just so happens that both playahs were traded far pennies on the fackin’ dollah to two teams in the AFC East!
(cranks up POD album)
Well, isn’t that FACKIN’ CONVENIENT?
You think this is mere-ah coincidence? You think this sart of thing just happens randomly? You think the Steelahs trade away Holmes far a fifth roundah (Roundahs! Great flick!) when all they have left is Viet Cawng Welkah? CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH!
(rubs biceps constantly)
OPEN YAR FACKIN EYES, PEOPLE! This is a direct message to the LEGENDARY FANS OF PAPELBON NATION that the NFL is nawt a level playing field! They knew the Pats needed a receivah, so they made sure-ah two of the best ones go to those faggots in New Yark and those wetbacks in Miami! HEY REX RYAN, HAVE ANOTHAH CHESEBURGAH, YOU FAT BAWTTLECUNT! These two trades ahh awll about the Pats! It is the NFL trying to get people interested in lessah teams so the Pats don’t get awll the love! AND YOU GAWTTA LOVE OW-AH FOOTBALL RED SAWX!
(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)
And the scariest pahhht of all this? That Billy Belichick didn’t know this! How did I see this coming, but Belichick did nawt? HE’S SLIPPING! The Belichick of three yeee-ahs ago nevah lets those two dahkies get traded within the division! He’s done! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(phone rings)
Oh! That’s my friend HouseO! Whenevah something happens with the Pats, we must tahhhk about it, becawse people know we have impartant things to say!
HouseO: Word.
Tommy: Fackin they-ah is the man! FACKIN’ AMERICA LOVES HOUSEO BECAWSE WE AHHH FRIENDS!
(slaps the beer out of your hand and laughs)
HouseO: I’m done, Tawmmy. I’m done with this team. What’s the point?
Tommy: I know! GREAT FANS DON’T DESERVE THIS KINDA TREATMENT! THEY STACK THE DECK AGAINST US!
HouseO: I mean, it’s just fackin’ ridiculous. WHY THE FACK IS THAT BITCHTWAT TITO FRANCONA LETTING ARTIZ PLAY? He can’t hit shit! The fack has that giant dahkiespic done far us?
Tommy: Oh! Oh! You were-ah tahkin’ about Artiz! I thawt you were-ah tahkin’ Pats!
HouseO: The Pats? Pfft. Who gives a shit about them? I gave up on those facks two yee-ahs ago! I’m tahhhkin’ JD Drew Nation hee-yah!
Tommy: THE NATION!
HouseO: THE NATION! SALUD!
(TV comes on)
MTV: Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? Do you consider yourself a Masshole? MTV would like to talk to you about our new reality show.
Tommy: OH MY GAWD! HOLY FACK! HOUSEO, AHHHHH YOU WATCHIN’ FRESH MEAT 2 ON MTV RIGHT NOW?
HouseO: Of carse! Everyone ow-ah age watches Real WorldRoad Rules programming!
Tommy: You know how we both had that awesome idea far Massholes! The show?
(drapes towel around neck, pulls on ends while flexing traps)
HouseO: Yeah.
Tommy: MTV RIPPED AWFF OW-AH IDEA! THEY MUST HAVE BUGGED MY BOOST MOBILE! THOSE FACKS! ONLY A TRUE SAWX NATION FAN WOULD BE ABLE TO DREAM UP THAT KIND OF SHOW! FAME HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME JUST LIKE WIFEBEATAH MAHHHSHALL WAS!
HouseO: Fackin’ MTV. Those unoriginal facks.
Tommy: FACKS!
HouseO: You gonna awdition?
Tommy: FACK YEAH I AM! You gawtta come too! Ow-ah lives were-ah made far TV! Remember when I stabbed that spic’s tiahs? THAT’S COMPELLING SHIT! We gawtta bring the whole crew! You! Me! Blueboy! Bug! Sean O’Flahanahacallahan! McMurph! McMurph 3! EVERYONE FROM THE CRAWSS! Fackin’ best reality show evah!
(goes to audition, gets rejected)
Tommy: I saw this coming. WE WERE TOO REAL FAR THEM! FACK YOU!