Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE DIEHAHHHD FANS OF CELTIC NATION could get fackin’ shut out of the fackin’ playawffs even if they win 11 games. WHAT THE FACK?!
THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!
(tucks entire pack of Red Man in left cheek)
I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah! And let me tell you something, yah fackin’ CAWKLICKAH! You will nawt find a more-ah gritty, gutty, GRUTTY team! NO ONE DENIES THIS! How can you deny this scrappy, scruffy, scraffy awganization they-ah rightful due with a playawff spawt? THIS IS A FACKIN’ CRIME WARSE THAN ANY CRIME COMMITTED BY ANY DAHHHKIE EVAH!
(flexes triceps for no reason)
LOOK AT THESE FACKIN’ TRIS! MY FACKIN’ GARLFRIEND WAHHHSHIPS THESE!
The Pats have earned they-ah way into these playawffs! You tell me anothah team that could suhvive the lawss of Tawmmy Brady – ONLY THE GREATEST QB IN FACKIN’ HISTORY, YOU FACKIN’ DICKSIPPAH! – and still beat underrated opponents like the Raidahs, and the Cahhhhdinals, and the Rams! NO OTHAH TEAM IN THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE IS IN THEY-AH STRATOSFEE-AH!!!
When I think of awl that we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, have had to suffah through this yee-ah, I am flabbahghasted! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD SURVIVE THIS! THAT’S A FACT! You think back to Septembah. Only these GREAT BEANTOWN fans could lift a team like this to whey-ah they-ah ahhh now. In any othah town, this team goes 5-11. It took all my rooting powah just to get them to this point. It has drained awl my fackin’ enahgy! So much so that I cannot tawnt my buddy JackZ about the Sabathia signing as much as I would like! HA HA YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS SIGNED A FACKIN’ FATASS PITCHAH! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T WAWNT HIM! THEO EPSTEIN IS THE SMAHTEST MAN IN AMERICA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(chokes dog)
I’ll tell you what this fackin’ is. It is yet anothah conspiracy by the nawt fay-uh league! They go out of they-ah way to make life as easy as pawssible far thah Dolphins, Jets, Bills, Titans, Steelahs, Browns, Bengals, Ravens, Colts, Jagwahhs, Texans, Raidahhs, Chiefs, Chahhhjahhs, Brawncos, Vikings, Bay-uhs, Packahhs, Lions, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, Cahhdinals, Seahawwwwks, Farty Ninahs, Bucs, Falcons, Saints, and Panthahhhhhhs!!!! IT’S SO TRANSPARENT! THEY AHHH FAVAHHING AWL THE OTHAH TEAMS!
(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)
WAWTCH ME CRADLE!
I know why this is. The League knows that, if the Pats gawt in, they would clee-ahly run the table. Who would they play in Round 1? Those faggots from Denvah? Easy win! Then they go to Tennessee? THAT TEAM IS NAWT PREPAY-UHED TO HANDLE A BELICHICK D IN THE PLAYAWFFS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
Then they get Pittsburgh? I feel like they could win that game by at least farty points! The league knows this. That is why they arranged the playawff system like this all those yee-ahs ago! SPECIFICALLY TO SHUT US OUT THIS YEE-AH! And that’s why they sent Ryan Clahhhk to cheap shawt my beloved WELKAHHH! Liitle do they know he’s MADE OF STEEL! YOU CAN’T HURT THE UNHURTABLE!
He’s as hahhhd as the streets I wawk on! THAT WAS A DIRTY HIT! WES EASED UP BEFORE-AH THE WHISTLE BLEW AND DIDN’T KEEP HIS HEAD UP! THAT MEANS HE GETS SPECIAL PROTECTION! Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!
(urinates on nearby car)
This playawff system needs to be fixed! You know a playawff is facked when the Colts get in and the Pats don’t! That Colts team is lucky to be 11-4! They ahhh only 27 plays away from being 0-15! It’s so obvious to anyone who knows footbawll! THEY SACK! Only the Pats don’t need luck to win. Everyone else only wins because it’s a fluke! Like the Giants last yee-ah! That Tyree catch was pure luck! Extending yar bawdy to catch the bawl, and then secure it against yar helmet while absorbing a blow from the defendah? THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF LUCKY!
It’s clee-uh what has to happen hee-ah. The playawff system must be rejiggahed! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS JIGGAHED! Farst awff, no mar Colts in the playawffs. EVAH! Secondly, the entrants should be determined by a Blue Ribbon council headed by myself, TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE, along with various Bawston people who KNOW WAY MAR ABOUT SPARTS THAN YOU DO! FAGGOT! Like thah Chahhjahhs could evah beat the Pats! What a joke!
(pulls sink out of wall)
That way, we can avoid a season as tainted as this one. If the Pats do nawt make the playawffs, it’ll be the greatest injustice of ow-uh time! That Super Bowl winnah will nawt be legit! NO ONE WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ TEABAGGAHS!