Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice, and it’s great day to talk some Texans football. Training camp is underway, and we wanna hear from you! What do you think of the Texans this year? Can Matt Schaub stay healthy? Can Andre Johnson bounce back? Let’s take some calls. Bobby! You’re on Sports Talk 610 with Adam Clanton.
Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?
Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?
Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…
Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?
Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!
Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?
Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???
Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?
Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!
Adam Clanton: What?
Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!
Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?
Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!
Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.
Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…
Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.
Tommy: FACK YOU!
Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?
Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!
Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.
Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!
Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.
Tommy: FACK YOU!
Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?
Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!
Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.