getty + ps
CAWL OFF THE WITCH HUNTS! STAWP THE PRESS CAWNFERENCES! I GAWT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!
[places cigarette behind each ear]
That’s right. It’s wasn’t Belichick; it wasn’t Tawm Terrific; it wasn’t any of ow-ahhh many gutsy hahhd-working receivahs or Brandon LaFell eithah. It was yo-ahs truly, Tawmmy from Quinzee, who broke into the Razah and let the a-yah out of those balls. I shrank those balls like they was dipped awl the way in yo-ah ma’s clammy butthole.
[takes 10 seconds to crack all his knuckles and his neck]
You wanna know how I did it? Easy. My boy J-Bud used to sell weed to awl the Pay-tree-uts – EVEN HAHNANDEZ! That is, he did until his skank garlfriend snitched on him in to the cawps when they threatened har with a hooking chahhhge for nothing mo-ah than sleeping with some dudebros she met on Craigslist in exchange fo-ah Dunkin gift cahhds. DIRTY CAWPS! IT IS NOT PROSTITUTION UNLESS CASH IS EXCHANGED! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Anyway, at the stadium I dropped J-Bud’s name with security. When that hardo security gahhd tried to act like he didn’t know the legend of J-Bud, I flexed on him and as quick as you can say AMENDOLER, I was in. It didn’t take long before-ah I gawt my hands awn those balls. I made shoe-wah the refs had already did the ref-type shit on ‘em, so they wouldn’t know the balls was saggy when the game stahhted. I was straight up kung-fu ninja with that shit.
[hums the Asian riff while doing karate chops]
Why’d I do it? ‘Cawse I thought the Patriots needed help to beat the faggot Colts and their new autistic caveman version of Peyton Manning? MOST CERTAINLY NAWT. We coulda housed the Colts if we glued ow-ah dicks to ow-ah hands. That’s nawt the point.
What I was doing was saving the Supah Bowl for the Pay-tree-uts. It’s been a dahhhk year for the NFL. Dahk because dahhhkie playahs keep beating up they-ah bitches and hoes and it gawt everyone awl sad because NFL fandom these days is appahhhently is mo-ah concerned with Ani DiFranco than Franco Harris (Steelahs suck).
If I could convince the world the Pats ahhh cheating again, the world would stawp being worried about being awahhhe of domestic violence and stahht worrying about being jealous of the Pats dickstomping losah teams again. THE PAY-TREE-UTS FEED AWF HATE. YO-AH JEALOUSY MAKES US BETTAH, LIKE RITALIN OR WHATEVAH DOES FO-AH THE SEAFAGGOTS!
And it worked. Now, when the Pats win, it’ll prove Spygate and Deflategate didn’t even mattah! We’ll take awl yo-ah precious asterisks and shove up straight up yo-ah butthurt asses. You’ll wish yo-ah team cheated as good as ow-ah team, but they nevah will because YOU CANNAWT MATCH WITS WITH CHEAT SAWX NATION. It’ll be the ultimate Fack You victory according to my Ironclad Rules of Postseason Victory Awesomeness, Version 12.6.
THE NFL IS MUCH BETTAH WHEN THE PATS AHH DOWMINANT AND WHEN WE AHHH THE BAD GUY THE WORLD IS JEALOUS OF! NO ONE DENIES THIS! RUSSELL WILSON LIKES WHITE GARLS WITH BIG DUMPAHS! FACKIN GROSS!