Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!

(sits on chair backwards, drinks Mickey’s)

Do you people really think your-ah little faggot teams would have stood a chance against the 2007 Pats jugguhnut?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows the 2007 offseason Red Sawx were-ah the greatest team EVAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Brady. Mawss. Bruschi. WELKAHHHHHH!!! Who do you have to stack up against THAT? Reggie fackin’ Wayne? Pierre FAGGOT? Don’t get wrawng, I LOVE Awstin Collie, and I look farwahhhd to the day he signs with us, HIS RIGHTFUL TEAM! OTHAH TEAMS AHHHH MERELY A FAHHHM SYSTEM FAR US! Belichick knew this was a throwaway yee-ah! That’s why he traded Seymour-ah! Every trade we have ever made has been a brilliant heist! CHECKAHMATE, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKSACKAHS!

(puts on weight belt as dress accessory)

Oh, how good was that 2007 team! YOU HAD TO LOVE THEM! I remember watching them play like it was yestahday! They loved winning far us, AND WE EXPECTED PERFECTION OUT OF THEM! No othah town could pawssibly undahstand that kind of connection! No othah town has had a team go 16-0! Only we know what that’s like, and that’s why it means more-ah to us! We love sparts so much, we don’t even fawllow them anymore-ah!

(turns hat backwards, then forwards, then backwards again)

That’s the difference between ow-ah Pats and your-ah piddly shit Pats and Coolts! You do nawt have the powah of the LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS ON YOUR-AH SIDE! And that will cawst you! In fact, I already made a bet with my buddy HouseO that you would both lose before-ah all was said and done! THUS THE PATS LEGACY WILL BE STILL BE SECURE-AH!

(opens champagne)

You see this champagne? I bought this bawx of Cook’s special from the facking’ Sikh cunt runnin’ the packy store-ah! And I will pop this bubbly whenevah the Saints and Colts both go down, WHICH THEY WILL! And then I will drink a toast in fawnd remembrance of the GREATEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!

(phone rings)

Oh, that’s my phone! It must be my friend HouseO! He and I cawll each othah awll the time and make jokes! NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad! THAT’S MY FACKIN’ DAD! WE HAVE A FAWTHAH-SON BOND THAT’S TIGHT AS SHIT, BECAWSE WE BOTH THINK MY MAWM IS A CUNT!

Tommy Sr.: Tha fack ahhh you doin’?

I’ve gawt this champagne to open when the Saints and Colts lose, Dad! Remembah when we went to that one 2007 Pats game because you gawt free tickets? THAT WAS A SPECIAL TIME AND PEOPLE WOULD IDENTIFY WITH IT!

Tommy Sr.: Oh, champagne! Well, ahhhn’t you a fackin’ rich parson now! Think you’re-ah bettah than yar old man?

It’s nawt like that, Dad! I WANTED TO MAKE FUN OF THOSE FAGGOTS!

Tommy Sr.: You were-ah supposed to go buy me scratch tickets, you little shit! Where-ah ahhh my MASS MILLIONS TICKETS?

I bought this instead.

Tommy Sr.: You little fack! That was my lobstah boat bonus! You know times ahhh tight!

FACK YOU, DAD! I MADE A NICE GESTCHA IN AWNAH OF THE 2007 PATS!

Tommy Sr.: We lawst the Supah Bowl!

NO WE DIDN’T! THE GIANTS GAWT LUCKY! DAVID TYREE IS OUT OF THE LEAGUE! PROOF THAT HIS CATCH WAS NAWT ACTUALLY A CATCH!

Tommy Sr.: Whatevah. I don’t cay-uh. WHY DIDN’T THEO LAND HALLADAY? HE WAS BARN TO BE A RED SAWCK!

Oh, I know! I WILL NEVAH GET OVAH LOSING HALLADAY! NO ONE WILL EVAH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH EXPECTATIONS, ESEPCIALLY FAGGOTS FROM INDY AND DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN!

January fackin’ thehhhd! A date that will go down in FACKIN BAWSTON SPARTS INFAMOUSNESS! I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown out! I was busy laughing at the Mets far paying that fack Jason Bay $66 million! BAHAHAHAHA! YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS ALWAYS TAKE OW-AH STAHHHS LAWNG AFTAH THEY WERE-AH GREAT! YOU CANNOT TAKE GREATNESS OUT OF BAWSTON AND GET THE SAME RESULT!

(puts on knit cap, pulls down all the way over eyes)

Anyway, I will nawt fahhhhget what happened yestahday, and neither will you! It was tragedy on pahhhhh with 9/11, or the time that spic cut in front of me in line the line at Mama Kin, or warse, GAME SIX! YOU KNOW THE GAME SIX I MEAN! I don’t even have to refer-ah to the teams or-ah the year. THAT’S HOW LEGENDARY IT WAS! Oh, this terrible injury will simply add anothah black chaptah to Bawston sparts lore-ah! It’ll be right up they-ah with the death of Lenny Bias! Oh, Lenny. WE MISS YOU! CELTICS NATION WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SIX MORE-AH TITLES IF YOU HADN’T GONE ALL DAHHHKIE GOODEN ON US!

(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)

I still can’t believe Welkah is gone. It’s like seeing a membah of yar-ah family gunned down in brawd daylight. BY A BLACK! We’ll nevah be the same! To know that ow-uh beloved football Celtics will have to play those faggot Ravens without BY FAHHHH THE FINEST RECEIVAH IN NFL HISTORY is a crime! This cuts Celtics Nation to the bone!

You people outside of Bawston cannot undahtstand what Welkah meant to us. He was more-ah than a receivah. He was one of us. HE GAWT US! He knew exactly what this city wawnts out of an athlete: Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin! If you were-ah nawt at Gillette to see him play in his prime, THEN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN REAL FOOTBALL! I’ve never seen anyone catch three-yahhhhd passes aftah Randy Mawss has cleared out the middle of the field like WELKAH did! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(smokes Parliaments in own car with windows closed, ashes into Snapple bottle)

I have lawts of friends who ahhhh cool and we have fun togethah! And, to a FACKIN’ MAN, they awl confess to me: “You know, Tawmmy. I’m nawt a Pats fan. But I am a Welkah fan. You’re-ah lucky to have him. I wish we had someone like Welkah awn ow-uh team, and nawt that glass cunt Braylon Edwahhhhhds!” They ALL say that. Has that evah been said about anothah wideout? YOU KNOW IT HAS NAWT! THAT’S WHAT MADE WELKAH DIFFERENT FROM THE REST! Did you see him cry? No one else cries as hahhhd as he does!

(cranks Daughtry record)

Mahhhk my words: Whoevah ends up winning the Supah Bowl this year-ah, if it is nawt the GREATRIOTS, will have their-ah title tahhhhhnished! Are you telling me the Colts would have been able to covah Welkah! I THINK NAWT! Welkah and the Pats would have gone on an easy Supah Bowl run, and would have won the team’s seventh rightful Supah Bowl title! NO ONE DENIES THIS! THE PATS AHHHH THE TEAM OF THE DECADE!

I’m sorry. I’m still choked up ovah this! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OW-AH YEE-AH! WE DESERVED BETTAH! Well, FACK ALL YOU LAUGHING AT THIS INJURY! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!

(spits, flexes)

And nevah undahestimate the powah of Julian Edelman! He may be a hooknose, but at least he’s no fackin’ Reche black fack Caldwell!

It’s ovah! It’s ovah! I can’t believe it! OW-AH PRECIOUS DYNASTY HAS COME TO AN END!

You faggots out they-ah cannawt appreciate what you have just seen! Far the past fackin’ decade, ow-ah beloved footbawll Red Sawx were-ah the DAWNINANT FARCE in the fackin’ National Nawt Baseball League!

(loiters in Store 24)

But aftah wawtching two minutes of last Sunday’s game against those crab faggots from Baltimore-ah, it is clee-ah! THE PATS DYNASTY IS OVAH! I can’t believe it! We, the legendary fans of RED SOX CITY NATION, nevah thawt it would happen! And now, we ahhhh just anothah team that wins division titles regularly and goes to the playoffs! WE AHHH NAWT SPECIAL ANYMORE-AH! You cannot undahstand what that feels like! THIS ONE HIT US HAHHHHHD!

(sits on stoop, drinks 40)

But we Bawston fans ahhh SCHMUCKIN’ FAHHHHHT! You normal, average fans out they-ah thawt this Pats team was just as good as usual. But we knew bettah! We had a fifth sense about them! Even before-ah the team knew they sacked, WE KNEW THEY SACKED! That’s why we didn’t sell out that playawff game on Sunday! We had a sneaking suspicion this could be the end of an ERAH, so we knew to avoid watching it so we could tawk about why Terry Francona is a fackin’ bald cunt! BAWSTON FANS AHHH SMAHT ENOUGH TO STAY AWAY WHEN THEY KNOW THEY-AH IS NO HOPE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We knew. WE KNEW. We knew they were-ah done! Belichick? He’s old! He’s lost his fastbawll! I’ve wawtched Keith Foulke, so I know when fastbawlls ahhh lost! He’s ovah 55, and my special laws of sparts say coaches ovah 55 can’t win DICK! Even when they ahhh as white and shahhhhp as Billy B!

(cuts in line at bar)

And Tawmmy Brady? Done. DONE. He’s fackin’ done! When the last time he played well? 2007? THAT WAS, LIKE, FIVE YEE-AHS AGO! He’s 32! THIRTY FACKIN’ TWO! NO QB OVAH THRITY TWO HAS EVAH WON ANYTHING! AGAIN, I MADE THAT A RULE! NO ONE ELSE NOTICES THESE THINGS BUT ME!

Way-uh ahhh ow-ah blue chippahs?! Do you see any blue chippahs on this rawstah?! EXCEPT FAHHH FACKIN’ WELKAH?! I don’t! I see a cubbard that is BAY-AHHHH!!! We need to staht ovah! Bill Belichick has made too many moves that I now question in hindsight! WE COULD HAVE DRAFTED SHAWNNE FACKIN’ GREENE! I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT!

(walks across street despite DO NOT WALK SIGN, is almost hit by car, throws up hands in anger and gives driver menacing look)

Is it me, or would trading Tawmmy Brady for Big fackin’ Ben make A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF SENSE FAR BOTH TEAMS INVAWLVED?! Or am I crazy? Who would be against this? How could this fackin’ trade nawt go down?! I AM THE VP OF CAWMMON FACKIN’ SENSE! IF I WAS MADE GENERAL FACKIN MANAJAH OF EVERY NFL TEAM, EVERY TEAM WOULD WIN! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I HAVE A PLAYAWFF MANIFESTO THAT IS ACCURATE WHEN ADJUSTED ON A YEARLY BASIS!

(girlfriend is never seen without a Sox hat and ponytail)

This is just such a dahhhhk day! Dahhhkah than Derek Jetah’s blackie ancestahs! I remembah nawt watching the Pats as a kid. IN THOSE CLASSIC PAT PATRIOT UNIS, THE FINEST UNIS IN NFL HISTORY! We didn’t wawtch them back then, because the team knew they had to fight for-ah ow-ah loyalty! THAT’S WHAT MAKES BAWSTON FANS SPECIAL!

(gambles, loses, refuses to pay)

And now, they will have to prove themselves to us again! Because as fahhh as I can see, this team sacks! And I give up awn it! THE SIGNING OF ADRIAN BELTRE IS HUGELY UNDERRATED! IT’S A DEAL I WOULD HAVE MADE AGES AGO! You people bettah remembah these Pats! Bruschi! Vrabel! Troy Brown! You will nevah see a team like that again. And if you ahhhhn’t sad with us today, then YOU DON’T LOVE FOOTBAWLL!

YANKEES STILL SACK!

Why ahhhhhh you people even bawthering to pay attention to this Supah Bowl? This was nawt the Supah Bowl America fackin’ WANTED! These ahhhh two faggot teams from smawll mahhhhhhhkets! Everyone knows this Supah Bowl would have been fahhhh bettah if ow-ah beloved footbawll Variteks had been pahhhht of the game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(comes on to girl, gets rejected, calls her a cunt)

Mahhhhk my words. This yee-ah will nawt be remembahed as the yee-ah of the Colts ar the fackin’ Katrinahs! This will be remembahed as the season the fackin’ Pats dynasty came to a fackin’ end! THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL REMEMBAH! When you ahhhh tahhkin to yar fackin’ little faggot grandkids 20 yee-ahs from now, you will say to them, THAT WAS THE YEE-AH THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS HAD TO SEE THE END OF A FACKIN’ ERAH! You will nawt remembah the facks that won Supah Bowl Farty Far! THE SHADOW BELICHICK AND FOOTBALL BIRD CAST IS FAHHHH TOO STRAWNG!

(never tips the black stripper)

I have said continually that awl the Pats had to do was draft Shawnn Facking Greene aftah I saw him play and we’d be collecting ow-ah rightful seventh straight Lombahhhhdi Trophy! BUT BELICHICK DID NAWT LISTEN TO ME! HE’S LAWST HIS TOUCH! HE’S GETTING OLD, AND HE’S FAHHHH TOO HAPPY JUST TO FACK MILFS!

(says he’d totally plow Scott Brown’s daughters)

Everyone knows this Supah Bowl is ALL ABOUT OW-AH PATS! As you know, the Katrinahs ahhh now playing for-ah ow-ah awnah!!! THEY AHHH PATRIOTS IN SPIRIT! Any team that is nawt a Bawston team that plays far a title is ow-ah prawxy!

People fackin’ email me a lawt. They email me becawse they know WE BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE BEST AT HELPING THEM MAKE SENSE OF SPARTS!

(giggled through screening of “Schindler’s List”)

Many Vikings fans emailed me aftah they lawst to the Katrinahs, becawse they know I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FACKIN’ FIAHHHHHHH!!! The only way to prawpahly follow yar team is to consult with a Sawx fan to know if you ahhhh doing it right! They look to me. I am a fathah figyah! I AM LIKE THE FACKIN GHOST WHISPERAH! They say to me, “Tawmmy, we ahhh hurt! But ahhh we as hurt as you were-ah aftah Game 6?” AND THE ANSWER IS FACK YOU! GAME SIX IS ITS OWN FACKIN’ THING!

(dips)

You see? It awl comes back to us… THE LEGENDARY FANS OF SAWX CITY! SPARTS CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT OW-AH PRESENCE!

(scares women out of bar)

SO FACK THIS GAME! IT IS NAWT IMPAHHHTANT! Who cay-ahhs if a bunch of watahlawggged dahkies finally win a Supah Bowl? Besides, what’s the line? Seven points? I DON’T AGREE WITH THAT FACKIN’ LINE!

Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!

(lifts weights in jeans)

I remembah back when Nomahhh farst arrived awn the fackin’ scene. We were-ah all like HEY, WHAT’S WITH FACKIN’ APACHE CAWKSACKAH FAGGOT GRABBING HIS WRISTS? But he won us ovah that day! AND WE AHHH NAWT EASILY WON OVAH! Everyone in America remembers the day Nomah became a true membah of Papelbawn Nation!

Keep in mind, Nomahhhh joined the fackin’ Red Sawx back befahhhh they won the Series! You people cannawt know that pain! As a Sawx fan, it is my duty to teach othahs how to grieve terrible sparts lawsses! Only we know how to be sparts fans! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(gives bro-hug to bar bouncer)

Anyway, we loved ow-ah Nomahhhh. He was a dipshit with OCD, but he was OW-AH dipshit with OCD. YOU FIND ME A NEW YARK FAGGOT THAT LOVES JETAH LIKE WE LOVED GAHHHCIAPARRAHHHH! The bawnd we had was unshakable, until that faggot turned shitty and married that dude who plays soccah! WHAT A HOMO!

This is terrible day for everyone who evah loved Nomahhh and then made fun of him the second we traded his sorry ass. We nevah would have won the 2004 series without getting rid of that Italian spic whatevah fackin’ type of dahkie he was! HE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE WAS SUCH A PAHHHT OF OW-AH HISTORY!

(orders Snakebite at bar)

What a blow. And awn the same day Corey Haim died. REMEMBAH WHEN COREY HAIM STAHHHHED IN THAT BAD MOVIE? THAT WAS HILARIOUS! LET’S MENTION THAT MOVIE A THOUSAND MAHHHH TIMES!

(pantomimes fucking pinball machine doggy style)

Of carse, Nomah decided to sign with the Red Sawx and retiah as one of us. He said it was his dream. AND IT EVERYONE’S DREAM TO DO THE SAME! Nomah! Schlling! Welkah! That faggot Scawtt Brosius! Babe Ruth! Nixon! THEY AWL WAWNTED TO RETIAH AS RED SAWX! IT IS AN AWNAH UNLIKE ANY OTHAH!

(does immediate podcast with JackO to talk about what Nomar meant to the world)

This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!

Well, well, well! Lookee what we have hee-ya! Seems that faggot Bill Pahhhhcells has traded far that dahhhhkie Brandon Mahhhshall! I knew that donutfackah would try and trade far that brickchuckah! MATTER OF TIME! TAWMMY SEES THESE THINGS COMING! That means that both Mahhhhshall and Sandongio Holmes were-ah both traded within a week of each othah! And it just so happens that both playahs were traded far pennies on the fackin’ dollah to two teams in the AFC East!

(cranks up POD album)

Well, isn’t that FACKIN’ CONVENIENT?

You think this is mere-ah coincidence? You think this sart of thing just happens randomly? You think the Steelahs trade away Holmes far a fifth roundah (Roundahs! Great flick!) when all they have left is Viet Cawng Welkah? CHAHHHHLIE DON’T CATCH!

(rubs biceps constantly)

OPEN YAR FACKIN EYES, PEOPLE! This is a direct message to the LEGENDARY FANS OF PAPELBON NATION that the NFL is nawt a level playing field! They knew the Pats needed a receivah, so they made sure-ah two of the best ones go to those faggots in New Yark and those wetbacks in Miami! HEY REX RYAN, HAVE ANOTHAH CHESEBURGAH, YOU FAT BAWTTLECUNT! These two trades ahh awll about the Pats! It is the NFL trying to get people interested in lessah teams so the Pats don’t get awll the love! AND YOU GAWTTA LOVE OW-AH FOOTBALL RED SAWX!

(thinks Seth Meyers is funny)

And the scariest pahhht of all this? That Billy Belichick didn’t know this! How did I see this coming, but Belichick did nawt? HE’S SLIPPING! The Belichick of three yeee-ahs ago nevah lets those two dahkies get traded within the division! He’s done! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(phone rings)

Oh! That’s my friend HouseO! Whenevah something happens with the Pats, we must tahhhk about it, becawse people know we have impartant things to say!

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Fackin they-ah is the man! FACKIN’ AMERICA LOVES HOUSEO BECAWSE WE AHHH FRIENDS!

(slaps the beer out of your hand and laughs)

HouseO: I’m done, Tawmmy. I’m done with this team. What’s the point?

Tommy: I know! GREAT FANS DON’T DESERVE THIS KINDA TREATMENT! THEY STACK THE DECK AGAINST US!

HouseO: I mean, it’s just fackin’ ridiculous. WHY THE FACK IS THAT BITCHTWAT TITO FRANCONA LETTING ARTIZ PLAY? He can’t hit shit! The fack has that giant dahkiespic done far us?

Tommy: Oh! Oh! You were-ah tahkin’ about Artiz! I thawt you were-ah tahkin’ Pats!

HouseO: The Pats? Pfft. Who gives a shit about them? I gave up on those facks two yee-ahs ago! I’m tahhhkin’ JD Drew Nation hee-yah!

Tommy: THE NATION!

HouseO: THE NATION! SALUD!

(TV comes on)

MTV: Are you between the ages of 18 and 25? Do you consider yourself a Masshole? MTV would like to talk to you about our new reality show.

Tommy: OH MY GAWD! HOLY FACK! HOUSEO, AHHHHH YOU WATCHIN’ FRESH MEAT 2 ON MTV RIGHT NOW?

HouseO: Of carse! Everyone ow-ah age watches Real WorldRoad Rules programming!

Tommy: You know how we both had that awesome idea far Massholes! The show?

(drapes towel around neck, pulls on ends while flexing traps)

HouseO: Yeah.

Tommy: MTV RIPPED AWFF OW-AH IDEA! THEY MUST HAVE BUGGED MY BOOST MOBILE! THOSE FACKS! ONLY A TRUE SAWX NATION FAN WOULD BE ABLE TO DREAM UP THAT KIND OF SHOW! FAME HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME JUST LIKE WIFEBEATAH MAHHHSHALL WAS!

HouseO: Fackin’ MTV. Those unoriginal facks.

Tommy: FACKS!

HouseO: You gonna awdition?

Tommy: FACK YEAH I AM! You gawtta come too! Ow-ah lives were-ah made far TV! Remember when I stabbed that spic’s tiahs? THAT’S COMPELLING SHIT! We gawtta bring the whole crew! You! Me! Blueboy! Bug! Sean O’Flahanahacallahan! McMurph! McMurph 3! EVERYONE FROM THE CRAWSS! Fackin’ best reality show evah!

(goes to audition, gets rejected)

Tommy: I saw this coming. WE WERE TOO REAL FAR THEM! FACK YOU!

Gisele Bündchen’s most prized accessory will reportedly be named as the 23rd coolest man in America by GQ. Brady–a three-time GQ cover boy–was deemed cooler than Demetri Martin, but less so than the star of Bored to Death, who is quite possibly the show’s third coolest regular cast member.

And now for some in depth analysis of the top 23, let’s check in with our correspondent in Quincy.

1. Prince Harry – WHY DID SAMUEL ADAMS AND PAWL RAHVEE-AH FIGHT THE WAHH FAAAH? WHY WE GAWT THE BRITISH FACKING CROWN IN HEE-UH?

2. Robert Pattinson – SACK MY BLOODY DICK

3. Reggie Love (Aide to US President Barack Obama) – MALE SECRATARY!

4. Dizzee Rascal – STOLE EVERYTHING HE KNOWS FROM EVAHLAST

5. Jason Schwartzman (actor) – ALL HIS CLUBS AT RUSHMORE FAILED!

6. Usain Bolt – TERRA-RIST WHO REFUSES TO BE PAY-TREEUTS RETURN MAN

7. Ryan McGinley (photographer) – ANYONE RELATED TO JEFFAHSON DAHHHCY IS AWTAMATICALLY DISQAAHHLIFIED

8. Dustin Lance Black (screenwriter) – LIKES BLACK LANCES, IF YOU CATCH OW-AH DRIFT

9. Matt Helders (Arctic Monkeys drummer) – AN AHHHHTIC MONKEY IS JUST AN AFRICAN MONKEY WHO GAWT UPPITY

10. Wells Tower (author) – THE FACK IS THAT NAME? IT’S LIKE WELLS FAAAHGO AND JOSH TOWAHS HAD A FAT GAY ZYGOTE

11. Brian Burton (aka Danger Mouse, record producer) – NEEDS A BETTAH NICKNAME

12. Jack White – DUNN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

13. Jon Favreau (speechwriter to President Obama) – THE FAT KID FROM RUDY

14. Roger Federer – TOO MANY ARAH’S!

15. Andre Saraiva (artist) – PRETTY COOL BRO, BUT NAWT TOMMY BRADY

16. Nicola Formichetti (Lady Gaga stylist) – QUEE-AH

17. Lionel Messi- QUEE-AH

18. Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook co-founder) – MYSPACE IS BETTAH!

19. Nate Lowman (artist) – NAWT A TRUE CELTIC

20. Shaun White (snowboarder) – GINGAH

21. Tahar Rahim – PRAWBABLE TERRA-RIST

22. Julian Casablancas – MEXICAN

23. Tom Brady – CRIMINALLY UNDAHRATED! BUT PRAWBABLY NAWT HUMBLE ENOUGH

Via

Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST NONBASEBALL FRANCHISE IN BAWSTON SPARTS HISTORY!

You facks bettah appreciate what you ahhh about to bay-ahh witness to tonight! Anathah hahhhd nosed C’s jugguhnut going against those hated LA AIDS FAGGOTS! Fackin’ Magic Jawnson. The only reason yar still alive, dahhhkie, is becawse yar too busy sackin’ cawk to DIE! Ha ha! I just fackin’ tawnted the Lakahs! I’ll drink a Twisted to that!

(cranks Theory of a Deadman album)

This was the series America wanted to see, of carse! No one wanted to see those Ahhlando homos in the Finals! Vince Cahhhtah wouldn’t last a second playing far the legendary FLEETCENTAH crowds! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We expect hahhd work and effart! And Vince Cahhhtah is just a lazy dahhhkie. GO HANG OUT ON THE JUNGLE GYM, DAHHKIE! THAT’S WHERE YOU BELAWNG!

(puts cigarette in mouth, gratuitously waits five minutes to light it)

I have to be awnest with you people. I did NAWT like this Celtics team. I gave up on them this yee-ah. They did nawt play well, and fackin’ Pawl Peee-ace has only won one title far us! We’re Bawston! We’re a brotherhood! We expect a little mar from ow-ah stabbed dahhkies! I hated this team. I sold awll my C’s jerseys, except the 37 Bird jerseys! I stahhhted rooting far the Cavs, because as a Sawx fan, I thought I could help Cleveland assholes undahstand what it takes to be a true fan, AND THEY AHHH NAWT TRUE BASKETBAWLL FANS! I disowned this Celtics team, becawse they SACKED and I should nawt have to put up with it! And my Dad agreed! He said to me, “Son, those dahhkies sack!” My dad is the best! HE SAYS FUNNY THINGS! I SHOULD STAHHHT A TWITTAH FEED!

(acknowledges presence of friend in bar by bobbing chin)

But then these Celtics did a funny thing. Little by little, they began to win me back ovah! They knew what it would take far the hahhhdest fans in sparts to get back on they-ahhh side! They knew we wouldn’t put up with that big housemaid Papi facking up! And that Theo jumped the shahhhk! And that the B’s fackin’ choked on us! It reminds me of Bucknah! If you weren’t they-ah in 1986, YOU COULDN’T PAWSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FAN OF ANYTHING!

So these Birdless half-Celtics had to work hahhhd! And they have! And now they’ve regained ow-ahhh trust! I love you, Piston Honda! YOU AHHH THE GREATEST POINT GAHHHD EVAH!

And do I need to point out that those LA cawkblistahs have only beaten the C’s THREE times in the Finals?! Kobe Bryant has nawt beaten the Celtics in the Finals, and that means he hasn’t won any real titles! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Everyone knows this is awll about the C’s! Owahback! Biiirdddd! That tall dahkie who wasn’t Teddy Ballgame! That’s the NBA, right they-ah! THE CELTICS AHHH AMERICA’S TEAM WHEN THE RED SAWX AHHH LOSING!

You fackin’ Lakahs fans ahhh nawt true fans!

(moves to LA, becomes pompous asshole)

LAKAHS SACK! BUT I’M GLAD I LIVE HEE-AH NOW! IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AWLL THE TIME HEE-AH AND MY LIFE IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AHS! I EAT EXPENSIVE MEALS! FACK YOU!

Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is that fack gawnna make his decision? How’d he get tris like that? I do the tricep press every day, but Tawmmy still has the best triggahs south of Revee-ahh!”

(wears cutout sweatshirt in July)

Well, I’m hee-ahh today to tell you I have given this lawts of thawt! And aftah thinking it ovahhhh, and aftah slapping that camelfackah outside the Store-ah 24-ah, I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE! Bring out HouseO!

HouseO: Okay, so I’m here-ah to interview you about your-ah decision.

Tommy: I know! We’re-ahh spoofin’ that Dahhkie LeBrawn! NO ONE ELSE HAS BEEN CLEVAH ENOUGH TO DO THIS!

HouseO: (snickahs) So have you made your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, HouseO. I have made my decision.

HouseO: (snickahs) When did you make up your-ah mind?

Tommy: (snickahs) This marnin’. WHILE I WAS LISTENIN’ TO CHEVELLE!

HouseO: (snickahs) Are you comfortable with your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, I think I am.

HouseO: (snickahs) Does anyone else know about your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Well, I would have told my mothah, BUT SHE’S A CUNT AND MY DAD HATES HER! HAHAHAHAHA!

HouseO: (snickahs) Are you 100% sure of your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Oh, yes. 100%.

HouseO: (snickahs)

Tommy: (snickahs)

HouseO: (snickahs) Well, I think you’ve kept America waiting lawng enough, you troll-banging sack of fackin’ oystah cum. What is your-ah decision?

Tommy: (snickahs) Well, HouseO. I’m going to take my LEGENDARY ROOTING TALENTS TO FAWXBURROW FAR ANOTHAH YEAR-AH AND ROOT FAR THE PATS AGAIN!

(dry humps bar to get female bartender’s attention)

YOU FACKIN’ NEW YARK FAGGOTS CAN SUCK IT! YOU REALLY THINK I’D EVAH BECOME A JETS FAN? I AM LOYAL TO THE CORE-AH! Sure. I may have flirted with New Orleans. And I also thawt about rooting far Denvah this yea-ah. BUT I’M A LOYAL PATS FAN THROUGH AND THROUGH!

HouseO: Why return to the Pats this year-ah? They fackin’ let us down against Baltimore-ah in the playawffs. Any loyal Pats fan could see it coming and stayed away from the stadium that day. We knew it wasn’t the same. WE weren’t the same. Something was lawst that day. Maybe a pahhht of us awll. And Brady is an LA faggot now! WHY REWARD THEM FAR MEDIAWKRITY?

Tommy: I’ll tell you why, HouseO. Becawse everyone is sleeping on this team! No one is giving the Pats they-ah due!

(girlfriend still listens to Maroon 5)

HouseO: Ahhn’t most preview mags giving them 10 wins and a spawt in the…

Tommy: NO ONE BELIEVES IN THIS TEAM! AND YOU SLEEP ON OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAHS AT YOUR-AH RISK!

(boasts of having large TV in “man cave”)

How many times have Billy B and Tawmmy B come through when people doubted them? EVERY TIME! And even when they came up shart, it was bullshit! How many Supah Bowls has this team clearly deserved? Eight? Ten?

HouseO: I’d say at least nineteen.

Tommy: NINETEEN! I could’ve stawpped rooting far this team in 2010, HouseO. I could have given up and nawt renewed my tickets. I would have been totally justified in doing that. As someone who chee-ahhhed this team to three titles, I’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE, NAWT UNLIKE A VETERAN FREE AGENT.

(makes sure Blackberry screen is visible to all while Blackberrying)

But I chose to stay. Becawse I’m loyal. And, mar impartant… BAWSTON NEEDS THIS. It needs my suppaaht. It needs me to be hee-ah when the chips ahhh down! And they ahh down! No city has endured what we’ve had to endure over the past three yee-ahs!!! The Bruins choked! The Sawx fackin’ sack! And then the gawddamn C’s get shit on by the fackin’ refs in the Finals!

What did Kobe shoot? Six far twenty-fahhh? THAT IS NAWT A LEGIT TITLE! YOU SHOULD NAWT BE ALLOWED TO WIN A TITLE WHEN YOU SHOOT LIKE THAT! Kobe Bryant is just a lucky sack of rapist dogshit. HE’S A DAHHKIE ASSRAPAH! He is a wop dahkie David Tyree! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips and smokes at the same time)

Oh, these ahhh dahk dahk times far us, HouseO. Dahhkah than Moolie Mookie Wilson! Awll ow-ah teams have become shitty and taken ow-ah suppart fahhh granted. And just once, just fackin’ ONCE, I would like to root fahhh a team that gets cawlls from the refs. The refs have it in far us! IT’S SO OBVIOUS! THEY RESENT THAT BAWSTON HAS GREAT TEAMS AND A STRANGLEHOLD ON THE AMERICAN LATE NIGHT TV COMEDY WRITING INDUSTRY!

(promoted to head writer of SNL despite not being funny)

A fackin’ losah New Yark fan would turn tail in this time of crisis. But NAWT me. I’m going to stick to my huge, huge guns, and root fahhh ow-ah Greatriots once again! Although this is just a one yee-ah cawntract. If they fack it up this time around, I’m gone by Week 8!

HouseO: So yar stayin’ with the Pats?

Tommy: That’s right. The Pats ahhh like Mahk Wahlberg. He may make a shitty movie once in a while, but everyone in Hawllywood secretly knows he’s the toughest fackah out they-ah!

HouseO: Oh, speaking of Hawllywood, did you see the trailah far “The Town”?

Tommy: AFFLECK!

HouseO: HAMM!

Tommy: OW-AH HOOD IN QUINZEE IS JUST LIKE THAT! FACKIN’ WELKAHHH TOUGH!

HouseO: GO PATS!

Tommy: UNLESS THEY SACK! I GAWT A FEELIN’ ABOUT CHAD HENNE AND MIAMI THIS YEE-AH!! I like the way Mahhhshall hits dahkie girls with bricks! THEY AHH MY SLEEPAH TEAM!

I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least two faggot dahkie cawllege kids. I was NAWT prepay-uhed to get this news. NONE OF US WERE-AH!

“Tawmmy, did you hear about Brady?”

“What happened?”

“HE WRECKED HIS CAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

So many emotions. How could this be? Why did this happen? Whose the fackin asshole Yankee fan who plowed into ow-ahhhh FOOTBALL TED WILLIAMS?! Why do bad things keep happening to the FACKIN’ LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX GALAXY?! You can’t tell me any fanbase has experienced this kind of wild mix of emotions! First I was scay-uhed! Then I was shaken! Then I was nervous. Then I pissed in an alleyway, just fahh the fack of it. Sure, Tawmmy Brady was okay. But what if he hadn’t been okay? What if he had been hurt? IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUCKNAH TWO POINT OH!!! First Brady gets that faggot hay-uhcut. Now this!

(dips, spits)

The second I gawt awff the phone with my dad, my buddy HouseO called me to commiserate. ONLY BAWSTON FANS AHHH THIS QUICK TO CAWLL EACH OTHAH! We both agreed that this marning’s events ahhh a turning point in the Bawston sparts saga! Not unlike the end of Mistah Holland’s Opus, which I saw 97 times fahhh no reason at all!

(wears bike chain as necklace)

We also agreed that this accident changes my entiah gambling fahhmula far 2010! You see, I bet on games using my patented TAWMBAWTICS method, which totally had me winning money until midseason, when I lawst all my cash to the fackin’ Jew fack bookie my cousin uses! That Jew should be gassed with diarrhea fumes!

(calls bookie in front of people at bar and loudly announces amount of wager for all to hear)

TAWMBAWTICS clearly states that every NFL season has any numbah of teams that can be perfectly matched up with the cast of Road Rules Challenge! The Colts ahhh clearly Ashlee! And the Ravens ahhh clearly Donnie O. NO ONE DENIES THIS! It’s a proven system that only needs thirty-seven tweaks every yee-ah depending on how badly it does. It can’t fail!

(loses bet, blames reality)

But this Brady accident has me shaken up! It makes me wondah what’s next. The Sawx ahhh out of it. Brady and Belichick ahhh oldah. What if they go into the tank? What if that big gorilla Shaq ruins ow-ah C’s? HE’S A DAHHKIE GORILLA! What if “The Town” turns out to suck? No othah city is faced with this kind of turmoil!

(feels biceps)

I’ll tell you this, though. Brady wawked away from that wreck. You find me a tuffah QB than that! I didn’t see Rawthlibergah walk away when some old bitch smacked his Jap bike! HE’S NAWT WELKAH TOUGH! That’s how we handle ow-ah shit in the Back Bay!

So mahhk the day, people. It is a day that live live in Bawston infamy forevah!

Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

(buys 37 Woodhead jerseys for his 37 siblings)

(“Dream Weaver” plays in Tommy’s head)

(rainbows shoot from Woodhead’s asshole)

DANNY WOODHEAD IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHAWT IN THE AHHHHHM THIS GREATRIOT TEAM NEEDS! HE IS OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAH! I can feel it! I always know a playah is special when I know I’ll tell my grandkid that I gawt to wawtch him compete! THAT IS DANNY WOODHEAD! I dunno. There-ah is something about this kid that’s special! I can’t put my finger awn it!

Oh yeah. I know. HE’S NO DAHHHKIE!

Finally, a great white running back to cawll ow-ah own! WE DESERVE THIS AFTAH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS! Danny Woodhead is a folk hero! A legend! ONLY IN BAWSTON COULD HIS STORY BE TOLD!

(would never say the same thing about Kenneth Darby)

I always thawt Welkah was ow-ah non-dahkie Troy Brown. And now, finally, we have TWO non-dahkie Troy Browns! That is just the kind of great chemistry this team needs! You do NAWT win championships with selfish dahkie wideouts. You can only win titles with GRIT and SCRAPPINESS and awll of the qualities of Bawston you saw while wawtching THE TOWN! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips)

Now that we have good ol’ Woody here-ah, we do nawt need that cornrowed jungle monkey Randy Mawss on ow-ah team! THAT MAN IS A CANCAH! CANCAHHHH! We would have awbviously won Supah Bowl Farty Two and gawne 19-0 if we had simply shipped that dahkie back to the Cawngo and had a running back like ol’ Woody on ow-ah side! TYREE NEVAH WOULD HAVE LUCKED INTO THAT HELMET CATCH IN THE FACE OF DANNY WOODHEAD’S TOUGHNESS!

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

I look at these Pats now and I see a real TEAM! BRADY! WELKAH! WOODHEAD! EDELMAN! It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!

I think America will grow to love this Pats team once they see them in action. It’s a real unit now. No egos. No sulking. No dahhhkies complaining far more-ah money! What were-ah you gawnna spend yar money awn, dahkie? RIMS AND CHILD SUPPART, THAT’S WHAT!

Randy Mawss nevah undahstood what it takes to be a true Greatriot. He nevah understood what we, THE LEGENDARY FANS OF FACK THE YANKEES NATION, demand of ow-ah players. He was nevah one of us. SO FACK HIM! I HOPE HE DIES! Belichick is, once again, a genius far shipping him out at just the right time! BILL GETS US. Danny Woodhead is ow-ah new hero!

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!

(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)

It’s true, America. I am proud to repart that Bawston has finally in love with ow-ah Patriots all ovah again! And it’s about goddamn time! Finally, the Patties ahhh back to playing the hahhd-nosed, blue cawllah style of footbawll that MATCHES OW-AH FANBASE TO A FACKIN’ TEE.

(actually grew up in Greenwich)

This ain’t Hawllywood, people. We fight and claw far everything we have here-ah in Chestnut Hill. USUALLY BECAWSE SOME DAHKIE IS TRYIN’ TO STEAL IT! You dahhkies in Roxbury know you took my JVC cahhhh radio last week! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Face it: we weren’t comfortable with being the glamah team. That does NAWT suit us. Maybe that works far you New Yark faggots. But it’s nawt owah thing. We ahhhn’t a bunch of fancy quee-ahs!

(dreams of one day doing a cameo on Entourage)

We’re REAL! And we’re much mar comfortable bein’ the underdawgs. BEIN’ AMERICA’S SWEETHAHHHHTS! You can’t tell me you don’t love this Pats team! Woodhead! Welkah! THAT NIP WHO BLAWKS KICKS! You can tell me this team isn’t much bettah when they’re-ah winning tight games and bein’ content to outsmahhht everyone else. And we ahhh smahhtah than you!

(failed to get enough credits to earn that phys ed degree from Northeastern)

That’s how we ended up with two first roundahs next year-ah! That’s how we ended up getting a third roundah far that stupid dahkie Mawss! Hey Randy, why don’t you go to Atlanta? PLENTY OF KAWLLAHED GREENS AT THE BUFFET THEY-AH FOR YOU, TOUGH GUY!

And you know what the best pahhht of this is? Finally, NO ONE RESPECTS THE PATS AGAIN. I hear it everywhere-ah I go. “They ahhn’t really that good.” “They gawt lucky.” “They sack, but Tawmmy has great lats.” I hear it awll. Well, you faggots just keep on hatin’. Keep on doubtin’ Billy Belichick. He’s always five steps ahead of you. He’s just like Bawbby Fischah! AND I HEAR HE HATES JEWS TO BOOT!

You watch. 2010 is going to go down as the year-ah of the Lunchpail Nation. We’ve gawt ow-ah Pats back. And did I nawt just watch ow-ah Basketball Woodheads clawwbah LeBrawn and his bunch of Miami Cawklickahs? Nice try, LeBrawn, but the path to losing to LA goes through US! YOU GAWTTA DEAL WITH THE FANS IN THAH GAHHHDEN, AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT! I gawt a name far you and Wade and Candian Rawbert Parrish. THE POINTAH SISTAHS! CAUSE YOU AWLL POINT FINGAHS! BOOM! ROASTED!

(only watched first half of Celtics-Heat game)

And do I even need to mention it? I think I do. A little group of faggots everyone knows called that New Yark Yankees gawt they-ah assholes split by Texas! THE RANGAHS WON FAR THE PRIDE OF BOOTSTRAP NATION! The Sawx come out awn top again! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sees Bridget Moynahan walk by)

WHOR-AH! WHOR-AHH! JEZEBEL! YOU TRAPPED OW-AH QB, WHO ISN’T AS BIG OF A FAG NOW THAT HE’S WINNING GRITTY GAMES AGAIN! YOU AHH A SLUT! I INSULT YOU FAR THE PRIDE OF MASSACHUSETTS, YOU SPERM-STEALING OLD MAID! YOU AHHHN’T EVEN THAT HAWT! MAYBE I’D LET YOU BLOW ME BUT YOU’D GET NOTHING IN THE BISCUIT!

FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!

(leaves stadium with over 4 minutes to go)

1. 45-3! 45-3! Farty-five to fackin’ three! The final referendum on this supposed rivalry! Everyone knows the Pats lawst this game and the Jets did nothing to win it! 45-3 is all you need to know about who’s really the bettah team! If fackin’ Pat Nip doesn’t drawp that fake punt, WE AHHH THE ONES WHO AHHH LAUGHING TODAY! It was perfectly set up! That slippery gook could have run fahhh days! Such was the brilliance of the play’s design that it should have been called a first down anyway!

2. CHEATAHS! You had to fake injuries to slow down the legendary DUCK BOAT JUGGUHNAUTS! You fackin’ pansy ass quee-ahs! Hey Bahhht Scawtttt, why don’t you grab your ankles a little more-ah, you flooded cunt! THAT WAS NAWT A LEGITIMATE WAY TO WIN! That means we won ow-ah fifth Supah Bowl! Take a look at the DVOA rankings and you know this to be true!

3. Act like you’ve been they-ah before-ahhhhh, New Yark! Look at Shawnn Greene, sleeping in the end zone like the lazy dahhhkie that he is! You people cleee-ahly have no experience winning titles the way we do in Titletown, USMass!!!! NO CLASS! JIM NANTZ was right about you dahkies! Jumping around like a bunch of wild monkey children! THAT’S WHAT YOU AHHHH! America does nawt like black grandstandahhhhs! They prefer the quiet stoicism of Julian Edelman!

4. TWO FACKIN’ GOLDEN GLOBES FAR THE FIGHTAH! NEED I SAY MORE-AHHH?

5. NAWT FAY-AHHH! We had ovah 500 undrafted free agents on ow-ah rawstah! No first round glory boys fahhh us! We made more-ah with ow-ah talent than you did, and that mattahs!

6. Pitchahs and catchahs repart soon! PITCHAHHHHS AND CATCHAHHHS!!! Cahhhhl Crahhhfahhhd! Adrian Mexicanguy! THEY SAY HE’S THE QUIET MANNY! Tawp that, you Yankee sluts! Oh, by all means, have yar little “football victory.” Enjoy it. You know it doesn’t hurt us! You know that it means NOTHING to us! YOU CAN’T WIN CLUTCH BASEBALL GAMES WHEN IT MATTAHS!

Make no mistake! This game has put the legendary fans of Wahlberg Nation in straight FACK YOU mode! And you don’t want to fack with us when we ahhh in FACK YOU mode! One time I was in FACK YOU mode and two camel jawkeys neeee-ahly gawt beaten to death! NOTHING CAN STAWP UP NOW! OW-PISSED AWFF IS MORE-AH PISSED AWFF THAN YOUR-AH PISSED AWFF! Ow-ah angah shall drive the Sawx to yet anathah AL East Wild Cahhhhd berth! You wawtch! And then we’ll have Danny Woodhead drawp kick the extra home run and Terry Francona will point to Rex Ryan in the stands and say YOU AHHH JUST ANATHAH GUY TO ME! YOU AHHH NOTHING! WE AHHH SO GOOD WE DON’T EVEN THINK OF YOU, BECAUSE WE DON’T REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL! NOW OUTTA MY WAY! And then we’ll have the last laugh! You wawtch!

(directs bank neist movie and films self shirtless for 90% of the running time)

Fackin’ Brady and Belichick. I knew we nevah should have traded Bledsoe!

The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.