I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…

(lying)

…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!

(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)

V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

Tommy: OH MY FACKIN GAWD! I TOTALLY REMEMBAH THIS GAME! THE OILAHS PUSSIED OUT AFATAH GOING UP 35-3! WHAT A BUNCH OF FACKIN’ LOOSAHS!!!

(dips ashes of deceased grandfather)

You would nawt believe the impact this game had on the LEGENDARY FANS OF WAHLBERG NATION!!! I remembah wawtching that game with my dad, and my dad was like, “You know what this reminds me of, sonny boy?” And I knew what he was tawking about! He knew what he was tawking about! WE KNEW. We sensed it in the ay-ahhhh! This game was clearly awll about…

BUCKNAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, to remembah that night. Simple ground bawll. A play a child could make. In a way, we were awll children then. EXCEPT FAR ME BECAUSE I WAS BUSY TAKING SEANDRA O’FITZGERALD TO POUNDTOWN BEHIND QUINZEE ELEMENTARY! She was fackin’ fat as shit, but that was a good startah pussy!!!

(cranks up Breaking Benjamin)

Then the bawll went through Bucknah’s legs and things were-ah NEVAH the same! Even now, as Bawston has risen from the ashes to become AMERICA’S FAVORITE AND MOST DAWMINANT SPARTS CITY! We could nawt enjoy ow-ah fifty-six titles in three yee-ahs prawpahly becawse of the trauma! If you ahhhhn’t from hee-yah, you don’t get that!

(was actually born in Greenwich)

Awll the Stanley Cups and awll the Warld Series titles and awll the Spartswritah of the Year-ah awards cannot make the HURT go away! AND NOW THE FACKIN’ CHOKESAWX AHHHH ABOUT TO LOSE THE WILD CAHHHD! To Tampa Bay! Who the fack cay-ahs about Tampa Bay? THAT IS A FAGGOT TOWN AND A FAGGOT TEAM OF FAGGOTS! Turn in your-ah Red Sox Nation cahhhhd if you like the Rays! You ahhh nawt one of us!

Oh, these a dahhhhk times. Dahhhkah than Mookie Wilson’s skin! THESE MAY BE THE DAHHKKEST TIMES IN OW-AH BAWSTON HISTORY! Can you believe we lawst to the Bills? Billy Belichick has lawst his edge! And Tawmmy Brady has gone too Hawllywood now! And nawt the good, “Entourage” kind of Hawllywood! The gay kind of going Hawllywood! I’ll nevah root fah them again! Even when we ahhhh dawminant, we ahhh still tahhhhtured! Don’t you see we ahhh so complex and deep? JETAH SUCKS CAWKS IN HELL! AND YOU TELL HIM I SAID THAT TO HIS FACKIN’ KID N’ PLAY LIGHT DAHK SKIN!

V/O: Uh, Tommy?

Tommy: What?

V/O: Do you want to talk at all about the Oilers-Bills game? It is kinda the subject of this documentary.

Tommy: I don’t know if I can. SHADES OF BUCKNAHHHH!

V/O: I think we should maybe talk about it a little.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You ahhh nawt going through what I am going through right now! America needs to know how worried I am about the Sawx and Pats and how much I fackin’ wish Jawn Lackey would get Jawn Lester’s cancah!!!! Besides, the greatest comeback in sparts history? 2004. Yankees up 0-3. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? DO THE MATH. GREATEST COMEBACK EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!

Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!

-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh

TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!

Q: Last month, you told Tim Tebow, to his face, “Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them!” And then the Pats won! I can’t decide if this is amazing, or if it’s even MORE amazing.

-Wendell, Newton

TFQ: It’s nawt amazing. Nawt if you simply pay attention to the lines and know footbawll the way I do! Everyone knew that little Timmy Christblowah was no match fahhhh the powah of the GRAWNK. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone thawt the Pats would lose that game. EVERYONE. And now everyone expects them to lose this game, making them the first #1 seed evah to NAWT GET RESPECT. You wawtch. You wawtch Tawmmy Brady treat Vawn Millah like the packie store-ahhhh Kanye West that he is!!!

Q: I think we should call Gronk “Jem,” after Jem from “The Town.” Think about it. He’s tough. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. He puts himself in harm’s way. THERE CANNOT BE ANY OTHER NAME FOR HIM.

-”The Matt”, Manchester

TFQ: I love it. It’s perfect. MY READAHS COME UP WITH BETTAH NICKNAMES AND BETTAH CATCHPHRASES THAN YOUR-AH READAHS!!! My only beef with that nickname is that Jeremy Rennah is NAWT a true movie stahhhhh!

Q: How fast can Tawmmy Cruise run in the 40? DON’T YOU THINK HE’D MAKE A GOOD GUNNAH FOR-AHHH THE PATS’ PUNT TEAM?!

-Bobby33, Woburn

TFQ: People have ahhhh-gued about this for-ah yeeee-ahs. The nation is firmly divided into pro-Cruisahhhhs and anti-Cruisahhhhhs. NO ONE DENIES THIS. IT’S A STANDARD AHHHGUMENT IN AWLL HOUSEHOLDS. Now, I don’t think he’s any Jason Preistley, WHO CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OLYMPIAN IF NAWT FOR-AH 90210. I think he’s more-ah of an overly competitive assfag who prawbably ovah-estimates his own athletic ability. In othah news, I TOTALLY DRAWPPED 15 POINTS ON MY BOY HOUSE-O AT THE Y THE OTHAH DAY! I KNOW BASKETBALL. Also, don’t you think that Tebow and Cruise ahhh exactly alike? Good call, me!

Q: Don’t you think that NFL teams should be able to trade their first round draft pick in exchange for winning all playoff tiebreakers the following season? Wouldn’t the Chargers have done this? TELL ME THE DOWNSIDE!

-Random Fuckhead, San Diego

TFQ: FACKIN’ BRILLIANT! WHY AM I NAWT IN CHAHHHGE OF AWLL SPARTS? On anothah note: I wish I had gawn to cawllege in San Diego, becawse I would have facked lawts of blawnde chicks! AM I RIGHT?!

Q: I love you! I love you so fucking much!!!!!!!!

-Bob, Miami

TFQ: (backing away slowly, becawse you ahhh a fag. I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!)

Q: Why didn’t the NBA make every rule change you said they should make? WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Andy, Charlotte

TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)

Q: I’ve gawt a great name for any group of girls who come into a bahhh and stahhht singing real loud: BAG O’ CUNTS. Perfect, right?

-Charlie, LA

TFQ: I’ve been using this term for-ah yeee-ahs! Why ahhh the rest of you so fahhh behind me on this?!

Q: Deosn’t Alex Smith remind you of Alex Van Halen?

-Linda, Boca Raton

TFQ: NO YOU STUPID CUNT! He is just like Neil fackin’ Peart! So typical of a stitched-up cunt to fack up that analogy!

Q: I was plowing this fackin’ harse-faced twat from Guatercio or whatevah the othah week, and the bitch was wearing my commemorative Pedroiah MVP t-shirt! And as I was stickin’ in her-ah poop chute, I gave Pedrioah the thumbs up and let him I was hitting that Hershey highway good! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?!

-Denis, Scituate

TFQ: Yup, these ahhh my little tawnstahs!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM AWESOME!

FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!

(dips)

I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.

(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)

THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.

(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)

Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!

(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)

And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!

(pisses on nearby lamp post)

I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!

(prior to Joel Ward’s goal last night)

Well well well, anathah crucial Game 7 fahhh the citizens of FIAH BAWBBY V NATION. No othah city has had more-ah moments of high sparts drawma than ow-ahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

(sits spread eagle on own couch with hat sideways)

But I’m nawt worried. Ow-ah beloved SNOW PEDROIAHS will pull this one out. You see, we Bawston fans have been through this time and again. This doesn’t faze us. The moment might be too big fahhhhh you Caps fans, but we know just how to act in times like these. We ahhhh hopeful. We ahhh nervous. We ahhhh cawnfident but nawt too cawnfident. We’ve been through the Sawk game. We’ve been through Kobe going 6 fahhh 24. We’ve been through it awll. NONE OF THIS SURPRISES US. So I’m just gawnna sit back, pawp a Twisted Tea, and have my girl suck my cawk while I wawtch this ovahtime. I always get my dick sucked at the end of regulation, tie or-ah no tie! SUCK AWAY, HONEYBUN.

(Ward scores)

WHAT THE FACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO?

WHAT?!

THAT WAS A DAHKIE!

THEY LET A DAHKIE AWN THE ICE!

(puts in fresh dip)

This is NAWT happening! This is NAWT happening! This is a Level XXXVII Subset 12 Cawkpunch! Sure-ah, we won the title last year-ah, but in this town, you need to win TWO titles to earn ow-ah love! And this PACK OF FACKIN’ LOSAHS FAILED TO DO IT! Worst of awll, they let some dahkie break out of Rawxbury and get one ovah on them!

(begins randomly slapping own biceps)

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!! IT’S THE WORST THING THAT’S EVAH HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF MY BRUINS FANDOM, WHICH BEGAN LATE LAST SUMMAH!

Oh, no! The ghosts! the ghosts ahhh coming back! I can see them awll now! MOOKIE! TYREE! MANNINGHAM! BIAS! Don’t you see why I can’t stand dahkies? IT’S BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STAND SEEING US HAPPY!!!!!

(Walks past young couple, makes that fake I’m-gonna-punch you motion to the guy)

(sees guy flinch)

(laughs hysterically)

This is a curse! I bet some voodoo dahkie chick is mixing up chicken bones in a bowl and laughing at us! CURSING US TO BE SCREWED OVAH BY BLACKS TIME AND AGAIN! How could Gary Bettman let this happen? I should be the commissionah of hawkey, along with 75 othah sparts! I’m the only person in the world who has any cawmmon sense! You think any othah GM or-ah ownah has more cawmmon sense than me? STAWP, JUST STAWP. And you haven’t kept dahkies out of the game WHY, Gary Bettman?!

(cranks up the Chevelle)

And now the Sawx ahhh 7-10! And Tawm Brady is still a Hawllywood faggot who betrayed us by being from California! And I’m mildly awptimistic about the resurgence of my beloved C’s (the C stands for Coloreds!) , but nawt too optimistic because the C’s awlways let me down except when they won 17 titles. And you nevah know if David Stern will think that we play too tough and set his stupid woman ref on us to screw us ovah! HE DOESN’T LIKE OW-AH LUNCH PAIL STYLE! Our dahkies players play like they-ah white, and that’s why we love them!

In conclusion, Joel Ward is a black! FACK YOU!

For years, the above Getty image of a Patriots fan cheering shirtless in the snow has served as the visual representation of a fan base as well as parenthetical-heavy KSKharacter Tommy from Quinzee. Given the popularity of the character and how often we use the image, we assumed it was only a matter of time until the actual person in the photo was made aware that he’s been an unsuspecting blog celebrity.

Just because you have a general expectation for something to happen doesn’t mean you’re ever ready for it when it actually goes down. And so it was this weekend when Tommy ceased to be just a stereotype-reinforcing still image and became a real person who is very much in support of the stereotypes attached to that image. A reader from Boston reached out to Drew on Twitter and said he discovered that the guy from the photo is on his softball team. Of course, the real Tommy was then made aware of his Internet celebrity. He loves it, as evidenced by this new photo of him doing the pose, and the fact that he’s joined Twitter as Tommy. This came as something of a surprise to the already existing Tommy parody account.

Mind you, the original image from 2002, but Tommy looks remarkably unchanged over the course of a decade. The main difference being the addition of a bicep tat. That seems appropriate.

The Patriots once again lost in the Super Bowl to the Giants thanks to yet another late 4th quarter comeback drive orchestrated by Eli Manning. And there was a great rejoicing. Since then, the Patriots have been mostly busy getting trying to suppress the events of the Summer of Gronk, as well as signing eight thousand other tight ends.

Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:

- Josh McDaniels has returned to the fold to once again take credit for Tom Brady being good. You know the world isn’t fair when McDaniels gets this job again, while Bill O’Brien get the privilege of sorting out the rubble of Sandusky’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

- The Patriots recently signed Olympic sprinter Jeff Demps, which excited Pats fan until someone suggested he might take Julian Edelman’s roster spot. NO DAHHKKIIEE, NO MATTAH HOW FAST HE RUNS FROM THE CAWPS, CAN REPLACE JEWKAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

- Bob Kraft’s next screen test will involve donkey punching a 16-year-old virgin in a Tebow jersey while Gronk takes her over a Dunkin Donuts counter.

- George R.R. Martin said the Patriots are the Lannisters of the NFL, which hopefully means The Rog is mere days away for banning them all for life in a ruinous team incest scandal.

- Wes Welker spent the off-season getting married, having a hair transplant and being thrown out of wine festival in Aspen. Wes Welker is everyone’s seediest uncle.

Notable acquisitions: Brandon Lloyd, Dont’a Hightower, Chandler Jones, Jabar Gaffney, Visanthe Shiancoe, Jake Ballard, Daniel Fells

Notable departures: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Chad Johnson, Mark Anderson, Kevin Faulk, Gary Guyton

Vegas win total over/under: 12 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Brandon Lloyd

The Patriots passing game runs through its tight ends. They have arguably two Top 5 fantasy tight ends on one team. Of course, with how prolific the passing attack is, anyone slated to be a starting receiver opposite Welker is thought to be a great fantasy option, but that hasn’t really been the case in a while. New England brought Deion Branch back two years ago and he and his stupid perm have had middling production. They took a chance on Ocho last year and he was a huge bust. Now it’s B-Lloyd, whose one good season in his 10-year career came while paired with famed shitheel Josh McDaniels, so surely he’ll be great again.

Fan forecast, by the the real life Tommy from Quinzee:

Shirts off to the Pats-

Hey, you know what’s fackin awesome? This Patriots team. Last year we were one stop/one lucky ass Luigi Manningham circus catch away from havin as many Supah Bowl Rings as tha amount of beers I chug in my funnel all at once (That’s foah for all you tahds that don’t know how we do it in the Q.) And that was with tha Gronk playin wit a broken dick from runnin with TFQ. Now this year they went on a shoppin spree like that time we left Grandma (God rest her soul) home alone watchin QVC.

Remembah what happened last time Brandon Lloyd (What the fack is wit the 2 Ls? He ain’t spanish. We call him Loyd in tha Q) was teamed up with Belichick’s Golden boy McDaniels? Well let me tell ya. He had a staggerin 1448 receivin yads while leadin tha league wit 18.8 yads per catch. Yup Tommys fackin pumped!! Oh and don’t forget he had that bum Kyle Orton throwin him tha ball that year. Just imagine what will happen with Brady at the helm, who just happens to be the best quarterback in the history of the game! With Loyd, Welkah, Branch, Stallworth, and the two-headed Monstah that is Gronk-nandez, the “otha” Tommy has more to look at than my Uncle Charlie at that playground he’s always hangin at. Creep show tha peepshow get ya head right and tighten shit up.

“Okayy Okayyyy”, The defense last year had more holes than my favorite blow up doll, but the all knowin Yoda-Belichick will use the force to fix that shit right up. Trust and believe tha defense we see this year will have a swagga all its own. We got good middle linebackahs for the first time since the Beast known as Bruschi and that tradah Vrabel where patrollin the middle of the field down at the Boro, plus neitha of those guys eva had the stones to get a BJ on camera like my boy Brandon Spikes. Combined with supah stud OJ-Mayo, (also two of ya boy Tommy’s favorite dishes) and that guy Hightowah from those police academy movies, we got the core of our ‘D’ back. And Tommy knows core strength, just ask ya mama she’ll tell ya.

So what do ya get when ya combine a sick defense and unfaih offense with an evil genius who dresses like Friah Tuck? You get the next Supah Bowl champs. Yah I said it, but I’m no Bobby V (He shoulda been slapped when he said that about the shitty disappointin Sawxs this year.) Someone needs to shut his mouth or I will fill it wit my jock strap! But that’s anotha story for anotha time. Keep ya heads up and ya eyes open when you head to tha thaRough Boro this year. Cuz you already know ya boy Tommy from Quinzee will be there strikin “tha pose,” chuggin 40’s, shirt off chearin on the Pats and THAT’S THAT!!!!!!

Tommy Out.
Much Love

I’ve said before that sports gaffes are the absolute last thing you should judge a political candidate on. Sports team allegiance, however, that’s totally an understandable reason to distrust someone. And Mitt Romney likes the Patriots, which makes sense for someone who is both a former governor of Massachusetts and the whitest man on the planet.

Romney might also not know how many Super Bowl titles the Patriots have won. Chris Berman pressed Romney to name his favorite NFL team during ESPN’s Boomer-stroking halftime prattle, though he prefaced the question by saying the Patriots won two Super Bowls during Romney’s tenure as governor.

Romney responded by joking that since he’s lived in Massachusetts for 40 years, he takes full responsibility for the Patriots “two Super Bowl wins”. That he referenced his 40 years of Masshole living makes it seem more like he doesn’t actually know how many titles the Patriots have won. At best, it’s very awkward phrasing. Either way, it doesn’t actually matter.

“IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES MATTAH! WE CANNAWT TRUST ANY CAWMMANDAH WHO DOES NAWT KNOW THE PROPAH AMOUNT OF GREATRIOTS SUPAH BOWL TITLES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”

WHAT THE FACK IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I can’t believe Welkah could be awn anothah team next ye-uh. WELKAH! THE HAHHHTTT AND SOUL AND GRITTY GUTTY GUTS OF SCRAP SAWX NATION! Sure, he once played for those face-eating Miami faggots, but that was before Welkah became WELKAH. WE MADE HIM A FACKIN STAHHHH. Before he joined farces with JAWNNY FARRELL NATION, Welkah just another in a long line of drifter Oklahoma nobodies with cactus needles in his pissah.

[Thinks Oklahoma is in the Southwest]

When Deion Branch cashed in on the Greatriot Way back in 2005, I knew it was just another uppity dahhkkieeee seeing dollah signs and rap videos instead of the good of his cah-reeah. As soon as that parch monkey got done stealing millions from Seattle, he was ready to win again, so he marched back to Bahhston with his dangling dahhhkie dick between his legs. We found it in ow-ah hahhhts to welcome him back but we nevah forgot his treachery. It was confahmation that the team comes befahhh the individual.

What spartswriters often fahget is that dealing with disloyal dahhhkies is a reality of sparts. That’s why the blue-collah fans of HANRAHAN NATION know nawt to cheer them. Whereas most would hear applause from a crowd and feel pride for a job well done, a daaahhhkkkieeee just hears the cash registah ring and thinks of how many mo-ah rims and rawks he can buy.

[Emails suggestions for slurs to writers at "The Jeselnik Offensive"]

That’s why I am in SHAWK and DISBELIEF to the news that Wesley Fackin Welkah wants to hit the free agent mahhhket. This is why I said bringing in Aqueen Talib was a bad idea. It is clear that he cah-rupted the team with shiftless shucking and jiving. NO ONE DENIES THIS! All becawse Belichick was desperate for a cornahback. IF YOU NEEDED A DAHHHKIE CORNAH SO BAD, GO GET TROY BROWN! HE WAS THE RARE HAHHHD-WORKING DAHHKIEEE. YOU DON’T LET THOSE GO! THEY AHHH LIKE UNICAHNS. Talib was a big gamble and it didn’t pay off so now the team is poisoned with dahhhkieeocity and we may lose Welkah as a result.

Tawmmy Brady might be a cawk-hungry mincy faggot like Seth MacFahhhlane without the KILLAH BOOB SONGS, but he came through fo-ah the team. He took less money, because Tawmmy, even when on his diva period pussy cramps, knows he owes everything he has to FUTURE BRIAN HAHTLINE NATION. He gets it. He’s a team playah. Unfortunately, Tawmmy’s gestcha was too little, too late. Welkah was already hopelessly cawntaminated with dahhkieee bling lust.

Bahston is a brotherhood. Once you leave, even if it is tempahrahree and for good reason, you ahhh cast out forevah in ow-ah minds! Welkah may think he’s gaining but in reality he is losing something fahhhhh mo-ah valuable than money: OW-AH RESPECT! No longah ahhh you the beloved undersized son of a city, you ahh just ivory dahhkieee Deion Branch PAHT TWO!

Strange as it may sound, before this momentous signing happened, I had already been thinking about Gawd. After the Reject Soviet Sand Dahhhkies bowmbed the Marathon, I was at a lawss. My whole worldview was shaken. It felt like there was nothing good left in the world.

[Gets BAHSTON STRONG airbrushed on the side of his car in Red Sox font]

But when I saw THE MIGHTY B’S OF ICE SAWX NATION rally from the brink of being eliminated by a pack of maple dick Canadians to the do-ahstep of yet another Cup, I knew it was a sign from above. Gawd sawr how much Bawston suffahed and how we persahvered. He was in ow-ah cornah once again. HE OWED US FOR OW-AH PAIN! WE EARNED GAWD’S RESPECT WITH OW-AH GRIT AND DETERMINATION IN TIMES OF STRUGGLE!

[Blasts "My Sacrifice"]

It only makes sense that Tebow came he-ah. Sure, the jokahs will have their laughs, but deep down everyone knows this is anothah classic case of the PAYTREEUTS being smartah than everybody. Belichick knew the only thing capable of canceling Tebow’s mystical Jesus powers was THE FACKIN SINFUL CAWKSUCKING NEW YARK FAGGOTS. That’s why he was useless awn on the Jets. The rest of the league was too blind to see, but nawt Billy B. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

I was talking about this yesterday at the strip club when someone said to me, “But Tawmmy, how is Boston any mo-ah spiritual than New Yark?” I just had to elbow him in the teeth for his ignorance. We ahhh an undahrated holy land. The Catholic roots he-ah run deep. It’s impahtant to note that Catholicism is oldah than othah types of Christianity and therefore bettah. Sure, it has a bunch of stupid saints nobody cahhhs about and priests who guzzle kiddie dicks, but remembah that yo-ah faith was ow-ah faith first.

You wouldn’t know it, but there’s a lawt we can teach Tebow about Jesus.

[Only been to church in the last five years for court-mandated AA meetings]

Best of awl, the media has to feel good fo-ah us when we win, because we give them precious Tebow material to yack on about. Back in the days of the Pats juggahnawt of 2007, people used to get on ow-ah case fo-ah running up the score0ah. Nawt anymo-ah! When Timmy Tebow comes in to put up the last 10 points in a five-score-ah victory, the Paytreeuts will be praised throughout the land.

I’m already excited for this. Just look at Belichick! He’s shooting dusty troll cum in his draws. He can’t contain his excitement fo-ah awl the FACK YOU TOUCHDOWNS he’s gonna put on the Jets with ow-ah new VICTORY CIGAH BACK! I bet Tebow gets five against the Jets and the Broncos. Then we put Tebow in own defense to knock out that traitorous honorary dahhhkiiee, WELKAH. The media will never cawl him dirty! Belichick knows this! It’s all paht of his master plan.

Did I say his master plan? I meant GAWD’S MASTER PLAN. BECAUSE WE AHHHH GAWD SAWX NATION FROM THIS POINT FAHHWAHHHD!

Kathie Lee Gifford: HELLOOOOOO, everybody!

Hoda Kotb: If you’re just joining us, thanks for tuning in on this wonderful little Tuesday we’re having. One more day ‘til hump day, right Kath?

Kathie Lee: Finally.

(drinks half a bottle of wine)

Hoda: You said it.

(drinks other half)

Kathie Lee: We’ve got Amy Adams joining us today. And, Hoda? Let me tell you, I just LOVE her look in American Hustle. LOVE.

Hoda: LOVE.

In unison: LOVE

(pours six more glasses of wine)

Hoda: Also, coming up later we’ll be joined in studio by Lady Antebellum. Kath, I bet you haven’t seen them since they played your 60th birthday soirée last fall, huh?

Kathie Lee: Sure haven’t. Boy, that was a fun night, wasn’t it? The pinot was flowing, there was dancing, fabulous food, and the venue was GORGEOUS.

Hoda: GORGEOUS.

In unison: GORGEOUS

Kathie Lee: Had one too many of these little guys…

(drinks from two wine glasses simultaneously)

…and could have sworn I heard Frank trying to talk you into a THREE-WAY.

Hoda: He, uh, (awkward chuckle) that’s crazy talk.

(Empties flask into half-full wine glass)

Kathie Lee: I know, right? WINE!

(punctures Franzia box with a straw)

Kathie Lee: Anyway, before we get to our guests, we’ve got a very special caller for y’all today. Hoda, did you watch any football this weekend?

Hoda: Heavens no. But I’m sure you and Frank did!

Kathie Lee: You bet we did! I’ll say this much: Cialis can choke the engine, but nothing gets Frank’s motor running like the NFC Championship game.

Hoda: TMI, Kath.

(pulls five gallon bucket filled with wine out from underneath the desk)

Kathie Lee: Oh, is he on the line? Great. Here to join us today is a young man from Boston, who’s got a few thoughts of his own on this past weekend’s NFL action. Caller?

Tommy from Quinzee: HOLY FACKING SHIT, KICK ME IN THA PISSAH!!! KATHIE LEE GIFFAHD!!!

Kathie Lee: Oh my. Aren’t you a rascal?

(funnels a glass of wine)

Tommy: Your-ah husband is one of the awwl time great play-ahs in the league, just too bad he played fah those CUM GUZZLING KWEEAHS up in NEW YAHK. THE HELMET CATCH WAS FACKING BULLSHIT! That was cleahly a PANTHEAWN LEVEL 76 CAWKPUNCH game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Hoda: Wow, uh…well, you certainly do have a unique perspective, that’s for sure. You’re a Patriots fan, right?

Tommy: Gawd damn right I am. These colahs don’t run. Ain’t that right DAWSKY SAHNAHV, you pussy BAWSNIAN FACK!

(dips)

And that FACKIN game. Six yeahs. Six yeahs a guy plays his heaht out fah you. First to show up in the mahning, last to leave at night. Welkah had it all. Charactah. Grit. Pehfect skin colah. Then? He bolts to go play fah those FAGGOT HIPPIE PAWT SMOKAHS in Denvah, and how does he repay MACFAHLANE NATION? That retahded, big helmet weahing FACK blindsides ow-ah best cornah awn a pick play. You know who levels a fella when he’s nawt lookin’? CHEATAHS AND BAWRAHK OSAMA, that’s who!

Kathie Lee: Well, I’m sure we’ll be hearing from the FCC about this one.

(does a line of red wine)

Hoda: You seem to be full of opinions, young man. The social media world has been abuzz since Sunday’s NFC Championship game. Tell me: what’s your stance on Richard Sherman?

Tommy: ONCE A DAHKIE ALWAYS A DAHKIE!

(Cranks Papa Roach CD)

Listen heah. Up in Bawston we play ow-ah sparts the right way. Look at Tawwmy Brady. He used to be some pretty boy Hawllywood DICK SNIFFAH, but Lawd Belichick showed him the light: you keep your-ah mowth shut, leave it awn the field, go home, drink 15 or-ah 16 Bud Light Limearitas, throw in a lippah, and try to convince your-ah significant othah to give you a CAWK RUB while you watch The Town. That’s THE PATRIOT WAY! None of this me-first GLAWRY BOY chest-thawmping.

(re-loads dip)

Kathie Lee: Well, Amy Adams is here, so that’s about all the time we have. Tommy, is there anything you’d like to add?

Tommy: Sawx nation rise up! 2014 is ow-ah year-ah. If we don’t win back-to-back, the curse of Bucknah will nevah be lifted. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Hoda: Thanks Tommy. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing from you again.

Tommy: This side ah the othah.

(Gets on stage at a strip club)

IF TOMORROW ALL THE RINGS WERE GONE
WE’D WORKED FOR AWL THESE YE-AHS
AND WE HAD TO STAHT AGAIN
LIKE SOME NEWBIE FACKING KWEEAHS
I’D GRAB A COUPLE TAWL BOYS
AND LACE UP MY K-SWISS
GRAWNK NATION WOULD RISE UP AGAIN
NO ONE DENIES THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS

(Ices his bro)

AND I’M PROUD TO BE A PATRIOT
AND NAWT A DAHKIE FROM NEW YAHK
AND IF YOU BADMOUTH TAWMMY BRADY
THEN I’LL STAB YOU WITH A FAHK
AND I’D GLADLY STAND UP
NEXT TO YOU
UNLESS YOU AHHH A GAY
PEDROIAH/MAHKY MAHK IN 2016
GAWD BLESS THE USA

(Lights a road flare)

FROM THE PAH-KAY IN THE GAHDEN
TO THE MONSTAH IN FENWAY
INSIDE THE BAHS IN SOUTHIE
TO MY BOY HOUSE-O’S DRIVEWAY
FROM MEDFAHD DOWN TO QUINZEE
AND IN THE T EVERYDAY
I’VE HAD YOU-AH SISTAH IN AWL THESE PAHTS
THAT’S JUST THE PATRIOT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY

(Has never left Boston)

AND I’M PROUD TO BE A SAWX FAN
AND I ALSO LIKE THE CELTS
AND WE CARRY SIXAHS OF BUD LIGHT LIME
AROUND IN OW-AH TOOL BELTS
WORK HAHD, PLAY HAHD
THAT’S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY
AND SAWKAH AIN’T A FACKIN’ SPORT
GAWD BLESS THE USA

(Dips)

getty + ps

CAWL OFF THE WITCH HUNTS! STAWP THE PRESS CAWNFERENCES! I GAWT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

[places cigarette behind each ear]

That’s right. It’s wasn’t Belichick; it wasn’t Tawm Terrific; it wasn’t any of ow-ahhh many gutsy hahhd-working receivahs or Brandon LaFell eithah. It was yo-ahs truly, Tawmmy from Quinzee, who broke into the Razah and let the a-yah out of those balls. I shrank those balls like they was dipped awl the way in yo-ah ma’s clammy butthole.

[takes 10 seconds to crack all his knuckles and his neck]

You wanna know how I did it? Easy. My boy J-Bud used to sell weed to awl the Pay-tree-uts – EVEN HAHNANDEZ! That is, he did until his skank garlfriend snitched on him in to the cawps when they threatened har with a hooking chahhhge for nothing mo-ah than sleeping with some dudebros she met on Craigslist in exchange fo-ah Dunkin gift cahhds. DIRTY CAWPS! IT IS NOT PROSTITUTION UNLESS CASH IS EXCHANGED! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Anyway, at the stadium I dropped J-Bud’s name with security. When that hardo security gahhd tried to act like he didn’t know the legend of J-Bud, I flexed on him and as quick as you can say AMENDOLER, I was in. It didn’t take long before-ah I gawt my hands awn those balls. I made shoe-wah the refs had already did the ref-type shit on ‘em, so they wouldn’t know the balls was saggy when the game stahhted. I was straight up kung-fu ninja with that shit.

[hums the Asian riff while doing karate chops]

Why’d I do it? ‘Cawse I thought the Patriots needed help to beat the faggot Colts and their new autistic caveman version of Peyton Manning? MOST CERTAINLY NAWT. We coulda housed the Colts if we glued ow-ah dicks to ow-ah hands. That’s nawt the point.

What I was doing was saving the Supah Bowl for the Pay-tree-uts. It’s been a dahhhk year for the NFL. Dahk because dahhhkie playahs keep beating up they-ah bitches and hoes and it gawt everyone awl sad because NFL fandom these days is appahhhently is mo-ah concerned with Ani DiFranco than Franco Harris (Steelahs suck).

If I could convince the world the Pats ahhh cheating again, the world would stawp being worried about being awahhhe of domestic violence and stahht worrying about being jealous of the Pats dickstomping losah teams again. THE PAY-TREE-UTS FEED AWF HATE. YO-AH JEALOUSY MAKES US BETTAH, LIKE RITALIN OR WHATEVAH DOES FO-AH THE SEAFAGGOTS!

And it worked. Now, when the Pats win, it’ll prove Spygate and Deflategate didn’t even mattah! We’ll take awl yo-ah precious asterisks and shove up straight up yo-ah butthurt asses. You’ll wish yo-ah team cheated as good as ow-ah team, but they nevah will because YOU CANNAWT MATCH WITS WITH CHEAT SAWX NATION. It’ll be the ultimate Fack You victory according to my Ironclad Rules of Postseason Victory Awesomeness, Version 12.6.

THE NFL IS MUCH BETTAH WHEN THE PATS AHH DOWMINANT AND WHEN WE AHHH THE BAD GUY THE WORLD IS JEALOUS OF! NO ONE DENIES THIS! RUSSELL WILSON LIKES WHITE GARLS WITH BIG DUMPAHS! FACKIN GROSS!

The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.

FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those faggot fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT MY CAWK! Ow-ah non-NBA non-lazy dahkie Tim Tawmmas showed you what Bawston Pride is awll about!

(dips)

Oh, how we’ve suffahed through the year-ahs waiting fahhh this title! THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HAWKEY TOWN! Except when the B’s ahhh losing, then hawkey is fahhh quee-ahs! And if you ahhhn’t from heee-ah, well then there-ah is no way you could pawssibly undahstand what this means to us, the legendary fans of Bruinland Nation!

They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O’Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget…

They won it for you.

At this hour, Everyman Thomas is Tom Brady, Bill Russell, and Curt Schilling. And the Bruins are Stanley Cup champs…

Today would be a good day to call your out-of-town friends and tell them you live in a city that just won its seventh championship in 11 years. You live in the only hamlet that’s won the Grand Slam of North American trophies within seven years.

FACK YES IT WOULD!

(takes out phone)

HouseO: Hello?

FACKIN’ GRAND SLAM OF SPARTS CHAMPIONS, YOU YANKEE LOVING ASSLICKAH!!!!!

HouseO: Dude, you bought that sweater four days ago.

FACK YOU!

(hangs up)

NO TOWN DESERVED TO ACT LIKE FRONT-RUNNAHS MORE-AH THAN US! No othah town has suffahed through such cheap ownahship! We always loved ow-ah hawkey Schillings! We ahhh nawt fair-ah weathah fans! We were-ah just… dormant! Yeah! We knew one day the B’s would make it up to us, and then we’d be there-ah for them! MY DAD IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! AHHHHN’T YOU HAPPY FAHHH HIM TOO? MY DAD IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH DAD![1]

[1] – He used to take me to the Gahhhhhhhden to watch the B’s when I was a kid. It’s how I learned to punch people, which came in handy the first time I evah saw a fackin’ Indian move into ow-ah hood!

(loves those Miller Liteguard ads)

We nevah thawt we’d see this day. A dahhhk cloud hung ovah us fahhh 39 yeee-ahs. And today, that cloud is finally gawn. The Curse is no longah with us! I feel like I could rape a THOUSAND dahhkie whore-ahs! This one is fah Cam Neely. This one is fah Ray fackin’ Bahhhk. This one is fah… Well, I don’t remember any othah Bruins BUT THAT WAS BECAWSE I WAS SO TRAWMATIZED! THIS IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH AMERICAH BECAWSE IT IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH BAWSTON! RED SOX IN FIRST PLACE! EAT SHIT AND DIE, LUAWGO! YOU WERE-AH OW-AHH FRENCH JETAH!

I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…

(lying)

…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!

(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)

V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

Tommy: OH MY FACKIN GAWD! I TOTALLY REMEMBAH THIS GAME! THE OILAHS PUSSIED OUT AFATAH GOING UP 35-3! WHAT A BUNCH OF FACKIN’ LOOSAHS!!!

(dips ashes of deceased grandfather)

You would nawt believe the impact this game had on the LEGENDARY FANS OF WAHLBERG NATION!!! I remembah wawtching that game with my dad, and my dad was like, “You know what this reminds me of, sonny boy?” And I knew what he was tawking about! He knew what he was tawking about! WE KNEW. We sensed it in the ay-ahhhh! This game was clearly awll about…

BUCKNAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, to remembah that night. Simple ground bawll. A play a child could make. In a way, we were awll children then. EXCEPT FAR ME BECAUSE I WAS BUSY TAKING SEANDRA O’FITZGERALD TO POUNDTOWN BEHIND QUINZEE ELEMENTARY! She was fackin’ fat as shit, but that was a good startah pussy!!!

(cranks up Breaking Benjamin)

Then the bawll went through Bucknah’s legs and things were-ah NEVAH the same! Even now, as Bawston has risen from the ashes to become AMERICA’S FAVORITE AND MOST DAWMINANT SPARTS CITY! We could nawt enjoy ow-ah fifty-six titles in three yee-ahs prawpahly becawse of the trauma! If you ahhhhn’t from hee-yah, you don’t get that!

(was actually born in Greenwich)

Awll the Stanley Cups and awll the Warld Series titles and awll the Spartswritah of the Year-ah awards cannot make the HURT go away! AND NOW THE FACKIN’ CHOKESAWX AHHHH ABOUT TO LOSE THE WILD CAHHHD! To Tampa Bay! Who the fack cay-ahs about Tampa Bay? THAT IS A FAGGOT TOWN AND A FAGGOT TEAM OF FAGGOTS! Turn in your-ah Red Sox Nation cahhhhd if you like the Rays! You ahhh nawt one of us!

Oh, these a dahhhhk times. Dahhhkah than Mookie Wilson’s skin! THESE MAY BE THE DAHHKKEST TIMES IN OW-AH BAWSTON HISTORY! Can you believe we lawst to the Bills? Billy Belichick has lawst his edge! And Tawmmy Brady has gone too Hawllywood now! And nawt the good, “Entourage” kind of Hawllywood! The gay kind of going Hawllywood! I’ll nevah root fah them again! Even when we ahhhh dawminant, we ahhh still tahhhhtured! Don’t you see we ahhh so complex and deep? JETAH SUCKS CAWKS IN HELL! AND YOU TELL HIM I SAID THAT TO HIS FACKIN’ KID N’ PLAY LIGHT DAHK SKIN!

V/O: Uh, Tommy?

Tommy: What?

V/O: Do you want to talk at all about the Oilers-Bills game? It is kinda the subject of this documentary.

Tommy: I don’t know if I can. SHADES OF BUCKNAHHHH!

V/O: I think we should maybe talk about it a little.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You ahhh nawt going through what I am going through right now! America needs to know how worried I am about the Sawx and Pats and how much I fackin’ wish Jawn Lackey would get Jawn Lester’s cancah!!!! Besides, the greatest comeback in sparts history? 2004. Yankees up 0-3. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? DO THE MATH. GREATEST COMEBACK EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!

Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!

-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh

TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!

Q: Last month, you told Tim Tebow, to his face, “Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them!” And then the Pats won! I can’t decide if this is amazing, or if it’s even MORE amazing.

-Wendell, Newton

TFQ: It’s nawt amazing. Nawt if you simply pay attention to the lines and know footbawll the way I do! Everyone knew that little Timmy Christblowah was no match fahhhh the powah of the GRAWNK. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone thawt the Pats would lose that game. EVERYONE. And now everyone expects them to lose this game, making them the first #1 seed evah to NAWT GET RESPECT. You wawtch. You wawtch Tawmmy Brady treat Vawn Millah like the packie store-ahhhh Kanye West that he is!!!

Q: I think we should call Gronk “Jem,” after Jem from “The Town.” Think about it. He’s tough. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. He puts himself in harm’s way. THERE CANNOT BE ANY OTHER NAME FOR HIM.

-“The Matt”, Manchester

TFQ: I love it. It’s perfect. MY READAHS COME UP WITH BETTAH NICKNAMES AND BETTAH CATCHPHRASES THAN YOUR-AH READAHS!!! My only beef with that nickname is that Jeremy Rennah is NAWT a true movie stahhhhh!

Q: How fast can Tawmmy Cruise run in the 40? DON’T YOU THINK HE’D MAKE A GOOD GUNNAH FOR-AHHH THE PATS’ PUNT TEAM?!

-Bobby33, Woburn

TFQ: People have ahhhh-gued about this for-ah yeeee-ahs. The nation is firmly divided into pro-Cruisahhhhs and anti-Cruisahhhhhs. NO ONE DENIES THIS. IT’S A STANDARD AHHHGUMENT IN AWLL HOUSEHOLDS. Now, I don’t think he’s any Jason Preistley, WHO CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OLYMPIAN IF NAWT FOR-AH 90210. I think he’s more-ah of an overly competitive assfag who prawbably ovah-estimates his own athletic ability. In othah news, I TOTALLY DRAWPPED 15 POINTS ON MY BOY HOUSE-O AT THE Y THE OTHAH DAY! I KNOW BASKETBALL. Also, don’t you think that Tebow and Cruise ahhh exactly alike? Good call, me!

Q: Don’t you think that NFL teams should be able to trade their first round draft pick in exchange for winning all playoff tiebreakers the following season? Wouldn’t the Chargers have done this? TELL ME THE DOWNSIDE!

-Random Fuckhead, San Diego

TFQ: FACKIN’ BRILLIANT! WHY AM I NAWT IN CHAHHHGE OF AWLL SPARTS? On anothah note: I wish I had gawn to cawllege in San Diego, becawse I would have facked lawts of blawnde chicks! AM I RIGHT?!

Q: I love you! I love you so fucking much!!!!!!!!

-Bob, Miami

TFQ: (backing away slowly, becawse you ahhh a fag. I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!)

Q: Why didn’t the NBA make every rule change you said they should make? WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Andy, Charlotte

TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)

Q: I’ve gawt a great name for any group of girls who come into a bahhh and stahhht singing real loud: BAG O’ CUNTS. Perfect, right?

-Charlie, LA

TFQ: I’ve been using this term for-ah yeee-ahs! Why ahhh the rest of you so fahhh behind me on this?!

Q: Deosn’t Alex Smith remind you of Alex Van Halen?

-Linda, Boca Raton

TFQ: NO YOU STUPID CUNT! He is just like Neil fackin’ Peart! So typical of a stitched-up cunt to fack up that analogy!

Q: I was plowing this fackin’ harse-faced twat from Guatercio or whatevah the othah week, and the bitch was wearing my commemorative Pedroiah MVP t-shirt! And as I was stickin’ in her-ah poop chute, I gave Pedrioah the thumbs up and let him I was hitting that Hershey highway good! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?!

-Denis, Scituate

TFQ: Yup, these ahhh my little tawnstahs!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM AWESOME!

Aside from all the blame for Ballghazi being heaped on Tom Brady, it’s important to remember the minor functionaries who made it all possible: Jim McNally and John Jastremski, two Patriots employees who, according to Ted Wells report, conspired with Tom Brady to deflate the game balls. Reading their texts, it becomes immediately apparent that our jokey theory was correct that Tommy from Quinzee was responsible for this whole mess. Make that TWO Tommys from Quinzee.

They really are the two greatest surly henchmen ever. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

Wells Report

AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)

Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.

But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!

(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)

The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!

(spits into Fruitopia bottle)

To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!

(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)

But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!

We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.

(spits on floor)

Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!